Need some advice….

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Maybe you should sit down and talk to him about a timeline.  Is it possible that the approximate date you chose is too soon for him?  Is it possible that he felt pressured to get engaged?  There are many possibilities for his disinterest and resistance to everything venue….  You should figure out the root of the issue before making any quick decisions.

Post # 3
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

While it’s not unusual for the groom to be ho hum about the wedding planning, your FI sounds extreme.  I agree that it’s time to sit down for an honest discussion with him.

Post # 4
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

MissZToMrsG:  “I’m not leaving him but I’m starting to think we just shouldn’t get married at all and just remain life partners without the title”  <— That is a little extreme. Just because he is not interested in planning a wedding, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to get married. He proposed because he wants to spend his life with you. There are some men that are not interested in planning a wedding/party. They see it as a “girly” thing to do, and thats ok. 

OR it could be like PP said, maybe there is an underlying issue. I would have a sit down talk with him to see what he is thinking and if its simply just him not into the details of the wedding, you need to accept that. There are plenty of men who just want to get a tux, show up on the right day and time and marry the love of their life 🙂

Post # 5
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It might also be that you had different expectations about the engagement period?! It’s only been 2 months. 

Obviously you were expecting wedding planning to start immediately, but perhaps he thought there would be more time?

I’ve been engaged about a year now, but we’d discussed beforehand that we would have that year before we started proper wedding planning.

Post # 6
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Does he want to have a wedding? Not get married, but does he want a big wedding with all the fanfare? Have you guys talked about that? If he does, have you talked about what kind of wedding he wants? 

I would recommend taking a step back and discussing what you both want. Sit down with a bottle of wine and a pad of paper and talk about what you want from a wedding and what you priorities are. What do you each want from a wedding. Big vs small. Local vs destination. Formal vs informal. Day vs evening. Season. Etc. You don’t have to agree and you don’t have to stick to all this, but I think it’s very valuable to talk about it and write it down so you can remember what you each wanted and what your priorities are. And if they’re different, then you’ll have an excellent opportunity to learn about compromise, which is an invaluable skill in any marriage. 

Sometimes brides have been thinking about wedding so much and that once the get engaged, they just assume their fiance has the same desires and priorities, when that isn’t always the case. Maybe he wants an intimate wedding at home. Maybe he wants a destination wedding. Maybe he wants to elope with just the two of you. Maybe he wants to go to the justice of the peace. You won’t know unless you ask him. And don’t let him cop out and say that he doesn’t care. Because, clearly, he does.

So talk about what you guys want from a wedding and then about how you’re going to acheive that. It’s not unusual for guys to be less excited about wedding planning, but that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t help. Give him specific projects, but that also means that you have to be okay with relinquishing some control. Sometimes that is easier than trying to both work on a single project. For example, if his priority is awesome food and your priority is a beautiful venue, then you pick the venue and he picks the caterer!

Post # 7
Member
888 posts
Busy bee

Some people just aren’t big into planning, I dont think that means that he doesn’t want to get married though. If he doesn’t help pick, then you will just have to pick things yourself and he will HAVE to accept them even if he doesnt like them! Otherwise, get a planner or how would he feel about a small destination wedding? or something similar? Would that make him more involved? 

Post # 9
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MissZToMrsG:  So my FI, now DH, was NOT interested in the planning at all.  In fact, he only seemed legit excited about the wedding (need NOT be confused with the marriage, because I knew he was ready for it, and excited to spend his life wth me, which IS the MOST important!!) until 2-3 weeks out from the wedding day.  It was only then he was ‘giddy’, asking what *I* needed help with, etc, etc.  

There were times I was bummed by it, but honestly, when I really thought about it, did I expect my FI to magically WANT to plan, and execute this party?!  Sure, it is the BIGGEST one we would ever throw, but when I compare it to all the other parties we have put together, he never did much – invites, food, set-up, etc.  It was all me!!!  

IF he did have an opinion after I had done the legwork, as far as not ‘liking’ my choices, or final picks, I would pretty much laugh at him.  Unless HE wanted to find more options, and/or do further research, then I would take his opinions into considerations. But, since I had asked if he wanted to be involved, and he said ‘no thanks’, then my options of A or B will stand!!  

And that is how we rolled throughout the planning 🙂  There were a few times where he vocalized his desire to make the final choices; the tuxes, and the cake (oddly enough), and I let him make those choices.  ANd, of course, I always always updated him on the budget.  What we have spent, what is left to go.  There was not going to be a time where I would make him feel he did not know what we were spending!

I just put him in his place when he disagrees with the choices you are presenting, after agreeing that he did not want to help in the first place, honestly!!

Post # 10
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with PPs, that my DH was more excited about the wedding a month or two before the wedding. I think that it is odd that he has all of these opinions, but he doesn’t care?! It makes no sense. Does he want a wedding at all. Perhaps you should elope or do something far away where all he can see are lovely destination wedding pics and he won’t know the difference. It sounds like it is important for you to have your family there, though… Something has to give somewhere… Otherwise, I would wonder if he wants to be married at all.

Post # 11
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

Oh so sorry you’re going through this with your FI.  My FI was very similar (I don’t know why some men have such a bad attitude about wedding planning!) and it was literally like pulling teeth with him in the beginning stages of our planning.  He didn’t want to visit any of the venues it took hours of research for me to find because they looked “too expensive.”  He cares a LOT about the quality of photos yet bitched and complained about every photographer we met at a bridal expo saying it looked like crap, yet when I found a quality top notch photographer whose work we both loved, he fought me tooth and nail that the price was too much (even though it’s standard for where we live).

Seriously, I feel your pain.  There were numerous times I wanted to quit and the fights we had made me feel so alone and like sh*t, it was a very very painful time for me.  But NOW, my FI got a harsh reality check after our latest fight over invitations, and now his motto for anything wedding related is:  “if Shina did most of the research and work for ________ (fill in blank; i.e. “wedding photography”) then she gets the final say and I will go along with it and support her 100% with a GOOD attitude.”  

From my experience (yours could be different) it’s going to take several heart-to-heart talks (the ones you had in the beginning are not enough), a few more fights and blow-ups, patience on your part that for whatever reason this is what it is for your FI, and continual expressing of how sh*tty and terrible his crappy attitude is making you feel.  

For me, I’ve had to express to my FI that my caring “so much” about wedding planning is not because I want the perfect wedding, but because I plan on only getting married once and so I want to give my best for something as special and important as this once in a lifetime event. I also expressed to him that I understand my FI doesn’t care about the details as much so I will try to not overwhelm him with little things I can take care of on my own, but that HIS input is absolutely invaluable since this is HIS wedding too — doesn’t he want to give it his all for such an important event in HIS life as well?  

I hate to tell you to not expect a total attitude change overnight.  There are just some men who just do not react well when it comes to wedding planning.  Unfortunately, your FI is also one of those men.  The best tip I can give you is to really get clear on what elements/parts of the wedding is super important to you and to just let the rest go.  Once I got clear on that mine (like venue/ambience, food, my dress, music, and photography)  it was much easier for my FI to stop being so difficult/resistant and support me in what was important to me.  But the key here was because I was very laidback about the rest, he felt like he had room to breathe and was not overwhelmed by everything we had to do.  In the end, it greatly affected how supportive he is and now that we’re less the  2 months from our wedding, he is all-hands-on-deck and has been super involved and proactive in everything we need to get done.  (It’s a million times better now — thank god!!)

Post # 12
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

MissZToMrsG:  since you have already had sit down discussions with him, I would learn to accept the fact that planning a wedding is not something that interests him. He is a guy! So I would tell him the only thing you need from him is the people he wants to invite. 

I am sure you have other people that would be more than glad to help you out and go with you to see venues. 

Don’t be stubborn and throw away what you want and elope bc you are not getting him to do what you want, which is to “pretend” to want to help you plan a wedding. Its obvious you want a wedding with your friends and family

Post # 13
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

if he doesn’t care.  book the vendors you want and be done with it.

before i started planning. i asked DH what he was interested in.  he replied food and music. when i asked him for input on other aspects, he said whatever i decide will be perfect.

i went to 10 or so venues.  he only went to 2 with me.  1 that i really liked, and the one that we ended up booking. 

Post # 14
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My FI always tells me “I don’t care, its YOUR day”. Frustrating? Yes. But, I’ve noticed him jumping into action when I start planning details. Once I make a decision, its like he gets that this is it, something’s getting set in stone. So, if he has anything to say, its now or never. I’m still doing most of the leg work, but that’s because he’s going with my vision. He’s still convinced 10 months is forever away. I can see him really start moving in the new year. 

Just be patient. Some guys just take this type of thing more seriously than others. And as pp said, if he’s never been into party planning before, he’s probably not going to be as interested as you for this either.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  hippopotamus.
Post # 15
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

First, I think you need to accept his lack of interest, and not equate that to a lack of caring.  Not everyone is enthusiastic about the same things and it’s definitely not uncommon at all for the whole wedding planning process to be completely uninteresting to some folks. Especially men, who are raised in this culture to not care about frilly, fancy, pretty things (which describes probably 75% of wedding stuff).

Then, I think you and your fi need to have a calm, rational talk about must have’s and do-not-want’s.  Everything from the size of the event to the level of formality to what features and amenities would be in the perfect venue.  Your fi might not be interested in the planning but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t or shouldn’t get some say in how things turn out. But you are not a mind reader, nor should you be expected to be, so you are going to have to communicate.   

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