Post # 1
Hey ladies. This will be long- sorry.
My FI lived with another girl before we dated. They dated for 2 1/2 years, and broke up about a month before we met because he doesn’t want kids and she does. He moved out a few weeks after we met and started dating (it’s hard to find an open place in a college town in Sept!). She continued to call, text, and e-mail him. I hated it, but I lived with it because my FI and I weren’t close enough for me to say anything.
Fast forward to now. It’s been nearly 3 years since they broke up. I tried to let them be friends, but I found out she was sending sexy text messages to my FI. I told him that I didn’t want them talking anymore, but she is all alone in this town with no friends (she works way out of town). There are countless other instances of her chasing my FI (including pasting a picture of the ring she wanted to his car window…CRAZY!!) Now, it’s been long enough that she has had plenty of time to move on and make new friends and connections. Instead, she CONTINUES to call my FI, even calling him by his old pet name! She makes me so angry.
His side of the story is that they are just friends. I trust him totally. I know nothing is going on. I don’t care. I hate this girl for trying to tear him away from me and I don’t want them to even be friends. I think it’s wrong to be friends with an ex (where there was so much history and a really rough breakup).
I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I contact her and tell her to leave my husband and I alone? Do I tell him that I’m not sure I can stay in this relationship with her hanging around? We’ve fought about this so many times, but it’s reaching a breaking point for me and I’m just lost…
Thanks in advance for your help.
Post # 3
I would tell him that you are not comfortable with continued contact with her and that he can’t have both of you. SHe is trying to ruin what you have a putting a stress on your relationship. Maybe contact her and tell her that you don’t want her to continue being pysho wtih him! (HAHA, not liek that though!)
Hope it gets better for you!
Post # 4
I am sorry you are going through this.
If it were me and this was going on, I wouldn’t put up with it at all. Have you asked him if she knows you two are getting married? I would give him an ultimatum. Her or you. Sorry, that is harsh, I know, but it will only get worse. Have you asked him if the situation was reversed, how he would feel? From what you are saying, it would seem that he is not ready to give her up. It is up to you how much you can handle of this, but in my opinion what he is doing to you by allowing this to continue is totally wrong. It seems like he is keeping her around just in case things don’t work out with you. He should have cut off all contact long ago.
Post # 5
Ok, first of all- he should not be allowing her behavior, he just shouldn’t be comfortable with it. I can’t imagine letting my ex call me by my old pet name! Yuck. I don’t see anything wrong with being friends with an ex, as long as its appropriate… sexy text messages is NOT! And it’s not his responsibility to be her only friend, he has to respect your relationship. You have every right not to be accepting of her behavior, but it could get ugly if you’re the one to confront her. I’m not a jealous person and I’m sure you’re not either but this seems like something you’re really going to have to put your foot down about. I’d insist that the friendships ends, there should be no reason you guys continue to fight over an ex after THREE years. I’m so sorry if this sounds harsh, I hope it all works out. keep us posted 🙂
Post # 6
I wouldn’t contact her – this is something you need to deal with your FI directly on. He should be willing to understand that his relationship with his ex is not healthy for his relationship with you – which should be the priority! Given the circumstances it is more than reasonable for you to expect him to cut it off.
Post # 7
Your FH needs to cut all contact with her. Explain to him that you’re reaching your breaking point & that you feel like you shouldn’t have to compete against her for attention. How would he like it if you kept in contact with your ex & he was constantly sending you sexy messages, etc? He’s chosen you to be his wife- why does he need to stay in contact with her?
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Stay strong 🙂
Post # 8
oh tat totally sux. i went thru the same thing. I didn’t put up with it and neither should u. it’s inappropriate. end of story and ur guy should have enough respect for u to ask her to stop.
in my situation i contacted the girl and she was smart @$$ and then thats when the problem between he and i began…he soon changed his number and now has no further contact with her.
Post # 9
Ick. Maybe it’s time for your FI to confront her regarding her nutty behavior? Does she know he’s engaged?
Post # 10
Yes, she knows we’re engaged… We’ve been engaged for 18 months!
Post # 11
I’m friends with a good number of my exes and do think it’s possible. However, it’s ONLY possible when both people have moved on. For me, moving on necessitates cutting off all contact until the romantic feelings have totally ceased. Often, this involves meeting someone new, but sometimes, it’s just a matter of time and distance.
In your fiance’s case, this girl is CLEARLY not over him, and that’s a huge red light to them maintaining a friendship. I agree what multiple other people have posted – ask your fiance to put himself in your shoes. How would he honestly feel if an ex of yours was sending you racy messages, calling you by old pet names, etc?
He needs to cut off all contact with this girl and make it painfully clear that there’s no chance of friendship until she’s completely over him. And in her case, that might be never.
Post # 12
i would NOT contact her – its not a good place to be and it will only give her more fuel to talk to your FI about it
this has to come from your FI. if she is sexting him, speaking to him inappropriately and doing inappropriate things (ie the wedding pic on the car window) then she needs to be told that the behaviour is wrong.
if it was me, FI would cut her out of his life – my hubby had a female friend before us and i’ll be honest, she is gone because i told my then DB how it was going to be and he agreed that for “us” it was the best choice.
yes you trust him 100% right now but life is hard at times, there is stress and problems and issues and i would not want this woman to be around waiting to give him a shoulder because i would rather he communicate with me than find solice with someone else – yes im seeing way into the future but thats how these things start (not everyone will agree with me but thats how i feel)
the fact that you and your FI are arguing about this is worrying – why does he not want to cut ties with this woman? why does he think her behaviour is acceptabe? how would he feel if it was a guy friend stalking you this way?
im sorry but i would not marry this man with this unresolved
Post # 13
You need to be firm with him. Some people are not comfortable with confrontation, and it sounds like your FI is one of them. It is his responsibility to get her to leave him alone. He may not like it, but you are going to be his wife and it is a matter of respect for you that he takes care of this situation which is obviously causing you a great deal of pain. Sit him down and calmly explain to him how much her presence in his life hurts you and tell him that her behavior is absolutely unacceptable. It’s not. Not by any standards. It’s going to be okay, you just need to be very very clear about what he needs to do to fix the problem. Lots of hugs–I’m sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 14
By letting her crazy behaviour continue, he’s making her more of a priority than YOU! He knows you don’t like how she’s acting, that it makes you uncomfortable, but he lets it continue?!? Has he ever said anything to her about it?
In my mind, the mere fact that you’re uncomfortable with their “friendship” should mean that he limits his contact with her, AND either works to make you comfortable with it if it’s important to him, or cuts it off entirely.
This just sounds like a set-up for a bad movie.
Post # 15
I would make everything come to a complete stop now before it causes more emotionally turmoil for you, you dont deserve to stress over another woman, you are getting married soon, thats the last thing any bride would want to worry about. The FI should give you enough respect to rid of her
Post # 16
Her behavior is not appropriate and disrespectful to you. Your FI should have already put a stop to it instead of excusing her behavior. Maybe she has no friends because she is psycho and spending all her time flirting with your FI. I would put my foot down here, either he tell her to quit contacting him or you are gone. This is not good for your relationship, nothing good will come out if she continues to be allowed to talk to him.