Need some advice…my fiance is going through something

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this.  It sounds to me like you’re putting in more effort than he is. Even if he is busy, a relationship works both ways.  I suppose you two have to figure out how you really feel about each other. If you really love each other, then I say fight for it, you’ll have to talk through a lot of issues, I think counseling will help. But, it sounds like he’s getting hung up on little things you do, which doesn’t seem fair. If he is depressed, maybe you can help him seak treatment? It might help him see everything, including how he feels aobut the relationship more clearly, if people are unhappy with themsleves, it makes it difficult to be happy about anything else. I hope everything works out for you, but don’t lose yourself in all this either, make sure you are getting what you want and need as well.

Post # 3
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Well I’ll be honest: this doens’t sound good. 

The two of you have lots of issues, some of them situational, some of them communication-related, many of them fairly serious… but if he can’t get himself to start the counseling, it’s going to be more or less impossible to sort them out.

I think you’re going to have to give him some space. So I would not, for example, wake up at 4 a.m. to make him waffles. When he’s ready, you need to have a serious conversation about therapy. It sounds like he needs individual as well as couples’. I really hope he will see the light and agree to go; if not, I don’t know what to tell you. 

A relationship is bound to have ups and downs and difficult patches, but this just sounds much more difficult than it should be. I wish you luck and send virtual hugs!

Post # 5
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If he is depressed, it is no surprise that he is not the man he used to be. I would stop hovering- no making waffles at 4 am, no notes. He may be feeling smothered. It’s only been a few days. I wouldn’t be holding him to any promised changes yet.

I can also understand why he may be reluctant to seek counselling or medical assessment. There is  so much stigma about mental health, especially within police forces, that he may fear that it will affect his dream of being a police officer. Even though he is in the reserves, he might not be accepted into the regular force if a diagnosis of depression is known.

 ps I tried to PM with you with another thought that I don’t want to post, but when I try to bring up your profile, I am unable to do so.

Post # 6
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If someone told me they didn’t want to be with me anymore, I would believe them.  I think you’ve done what you can – and he has chosen to not do the things you discussed he could do to remedy things.  I think he has made his choice and you now need to make yours.

Post # 7
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Dialysate:  So you asked him what was wrong and he blamed everything on you and now you are busting your butt to make the relationship work while he just sits there?  

It sounds like he moved to be with you and he isn’t satisfied with his current situation at work and as a result he is questioning (and blaming) your relationship which is why he moved in the first place.  I’m sorry but for him to get up enough courage to tell he that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore that feeling doesn’t appear or disappear overnight.  I wouldn’t be planning the wedding but I would be getting signed up for couples therapy (he needs to find the time) or individual therapy for you if he flat out refuses to go.

Post # 11
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You need to pull it together- seriously

If you want this relationship to work you need to become less dependent on him for attention especially when he is stressed. If you can’t handle this now, I worry how you will be when he does become a police officer? Nagging at him to help more is not going to help, and if all of your recent interactions have been arguments/crying/nagging there is no wonder he probably wants/needs some space

Sorry for the tough love but its the reality of being with someone who does this line of work. My FI is a cop,  lately hes been pulling 80 hour weeks ( last week he worked 24 hours of OT in 3 days, all over his normal days off). On top of that he is on 2nd shift right now and I work 1st shift so you can guess how much time we have had together this month!

Give it some time, return to acting normal. It is really really hard, but every relationship has its ups and downs-if you guys are committed to being together you will get through it

What helps me alot is I have my own things to do and I am really used to doing things on my own..mrs independent?…lol. Yeah it sucks alot of the time but you need to be strong and not let it bring you down.

Sometimes they will be grouchy just give him space and live your own life too…waking up at 4 am to make him waffles has to go lol, if he has plans you go out on your own with your friends too…Get a hobby. Seriously. Start working out, join crossfit, join a knitting club- anything to get your out of the house and not moping around

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 13
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Dialysate:  Also its OK to have rough patches too..totally normal..maybe part of your freaking out is OMG were fighting we arent meant to be/everything sucks..ect 

Post # 15
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Dialysate:  If you PM me, I can reply with what I wanted to say. I don’t want people to jump all over my reply and hijack your original concern.

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