Post # 1
Okay ladies. I’m not really sure what to do here. I have a very big knot in my guy telling me I shouldn’t be going through with this (the wedding) and it just keeps growing. It’s like one issue pops up, and then another, and another. I already know that we got engaged too soon. We hadn’t known each other that long, but at the time it just felt right. We both had that moment of “wow, this is the person I want to spend my life with.” And now that we’ve been engaged for a while, things don’t seem all that right anymore. I keep making excuses for the stupid things he does, to make myself okay with it and get over it. But I can’t keep doing that. I have a feeling he’s not growing up any time soon. Let me first explain that I am a pretty independent person. I moved out before graduating high school, and had been taking care of myself well before that. He, on the other hand, was spoiled by his mother until the day he moved in with me. Bad idea number 1 on my part. He can’t handle his money. He doesn’t know how to pitch in around the house. He doesn’t know how to communicate. He doesn’t know how to be an adult, basically. And I’ve been trying to be patient and help him learn how the real world works, but it never seems to get us anywhere. He is a great guy, the kind of guy you would picture yourself marrying and having kids with. But, as a husband, I don’t know if he’ll ever give me the support I need. I can’t do everything. I don’t want to be a mother to him. I’ve tried talking to him about it, many times. And things get better for a short time, and then go right back into old patterns. I’m so stressed, and the wedding is only 5 months away now. I’m just not sure I can go through with it anymore. I love him, I do. I admire the kind of person he is, and we were wonderful when it was just dating. But husband material? I’m not so sure. Oh, and can I mention that we haven’t had sex in SEVERAL months. I joke about how it’s great that I can’t get pregnant, and have made excuses about stress and busy lives, but really? That’s a long time- there’s obviously underlying issues with it. And honestly, I know part of it is the immature thing. His hygiene isn’t always the best, and he doesn’t ever seem to even want to try to pleasure me. So I just gave up a long time ago.
So.. do I stick it out, knowing that he’s the kind of person that would always devote himself to me and love me just the way I am, would be a perfect dad, etc etc, and hope that he will mature along the way? Or do I just quit while we’re ahead?
I’m so confused. And I hate having to make this decision. I just feel lost. Any advice would help, especially from those who have also been in the situation of possibly giving up altogether. Thanks ladies.
Post # 3
Follow your gut! I know it’s hard but you have everything you need to make your decision…. and believe me that without the understanding of the action/sacrificial kind of love, marriage does NOT get better than dating. As my mom always said “If he doesn’t do it while ya’ll are dating he’s NOT going to do it when you’re married”
Believe me when I say I know what you’re in… I was married once before to a man that all the way down the aisle I heard in my head “don’t do it don’t do it”… he was the father of my son.. not evern 2 yrs later we were divorced.
Marriage is not about “love” that makes us feel good, but a real companionship to working it through life together.
There’s obviously alot of underlying issues with your Fiance and his validation as a “man” given he doesn’t take care of the things he needs to… and it’s not likely that that gets any better when it’s time for some real decision making.
I know it’s hard, but I would really back up now while you still can…. because once you’re married it’s going to be even worse and harder for you to set up the correct kind of marriage boundaries.
Sorry if I was rough… I just know the position and don’t want ANYone to make the same mistakes I did.
Post # 4
if I have learned anything from the school of hard knocks it is LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. I thank god that I backed out of my first proposal almost 10 years ago and held out for the right guy.
If I had just listened to my heart and gut on more occasions, I prob would have been way better off than I am now and I prob wouldnt have met my Fiance but either way, do what you know is right and not what you think might be ok but arent really sure about.
Post # 5
Stick it out! Every relationship has ups and downs. And some people are better at communicating than others. Your guy must care about you because after you have talks, things improve for a while.
Have you had much premarital counseling? That’s a very normal and healthy thing to do, imo, so give it a try. It is important to work on these concerns before you’re married, but they aren’t a reason to call it off, imo.
Marriage will be the hardest thing you ever do. Do you have passion and trust in this relationship? Well, it’s worth it to keep it going.
For me, what matters is I can fall asleep in the arms of a person I know really cares about me.
Also, talk to women that are around you about their journey with their husband. I think you’ll find some women that were in the same boat as you are and are happy today with their husbands.
(Sorry for all the “imo”s. Earlier there was ugliness in disagreement on the board, so I’m covering my tail.)
Post # 6
girl…. run…. i always follow my gut and it has never led me wrong…. sounds to me like you two just had a ‘honeymoon’ period in your dating relationship that everyone has, and were moving way to fast…. and things wont change just because youre signing a piece of paper that says youre married. if it doesnt feel right its probably isnt.
Post # 7
Sounds like the infatuation phase is wearing off and reality is setting in. ALWAYS trust your instinct. Always.
Post # 8
I would like to add.. guys are not like girls, they WILL stay in a relationship that they aren’t satified in. They find their outlets in other ways and tend to become passive aggressive, but never do anything to change the issues.
Perfect Example: My mother and father were married for 18 years before she filed for divorce. My dad is NOT a bad man but was a passive checked out man. My mom final couldn’t take anymore being “alone” in the marriage and raising kids so she left. They will BOTH tell you that even knowing things were wrong my Dad would’ve NEVER left my Mom… He would have stayed unsatisfied.
If you still aren’t sure you could and SHOULD do some pre-marriage counseling.. it will solidify either what you’ve been feeling or the relationship. I think EVERYONE should be REQUIRED to do marriage counseling….
If you don’t know where to go you could always do a few exercises just between the 2 of you. My Fiance and I are following a book called “Preparing For Marriage” it is a Christian book but if nothing else there are two worksheets in the beginning that I think would work for anyone… 1. A Personal History: Goes through your family life/childhood b/c these are the things that have made you work the way you do.. same with him. and 2. a Great Expectations Worksheet: making sure you and your Fiance are on the same page with things like finances, household duties, children, extended family, religion, and even sex…. definitely worth the few hours of going through it and talking it out… then you AND him will know where ya’ll stand.
Just a thought*
Post # 9
@KatyElle: I totally agree. The honeymoon stage is so easy…it’s the long term part that can be challenging.
@Barefootedkisses, you definitely should not be getting married if you feel this way. Yes, there are ups and downs in every relationship – but to not even be married yet and be second guessing your choice? Huge red flag. Trust your gut. Marriage does NOT fix a relationship. Children do NOT fix a relationship. All they do is put more stress on the current issues.
I’m all for standing by your man and trying to work things out – but please – for your own sake, postpone your wedding. Take your time, this is the most important decision of your life!
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you have to make this decision. I have to agree with the previous posters about this. It sounds like you need to do some soul searching and then have a conversation with him. I wish you the best of luck. Please do what you think is right, don’t let society or anybody pressure you.
Post # 11
I would suggest postponing the marriage at this time and starting couples counselling. If after that you feel like your love for this man is strong enough to live with him for life, AND he has made some positive changes you can always reschedule the marriage.
Do not just go ahead and get married with all these doubts. It is so much easier to prevent mistakes than to fix them.
Post # 12
Thank you for all your comments. I feel like a quitter backing out, and like I’ll be letting a lot of people down- I think that’s one of the hardest things about this (which probably tells you something right there..)
I actually tried talking to him about it before posting this and we didn’t really get anywhere. I don’t think he quite understands the severity of my concerns right now. So, while waiting for some responses, I wrote a very long letter explaining everything I am currently feeling. I basically said I need to see where he stands and where he thinks we should go after reading how I feel. I hate to just give up on him. I did offer, in my letter, that maybe we should just postpone the wedding for now, get back to actually enjoying each other and see how it works out from there. I think that’s a fair compromise, right? Not completely giving up, but also not making what could be a big mistake either..?
Ugh, growing up just sucks, doesn’t it? lol
Post # 13
Yes, growing up can suck 🙁 Sorry you are in this situation.
Have you done any sort of premarital or couples counseling? I would look into this before making any huge decisions. I’ve had friends in similar situations and it has helped immensely.
Post # 14
@SerenaSF: No we haven’t, but I don’t see how we could pay for it if we wanted to. Though, if we’re postponing the wedding, we might as well use the money saved for that, huh? Funny how life works.
Post # 15
If a Pastor/Minister is marrying you should be able to do counseling through him or someone else at that church… or he should atleast be able to direct you to someone.
I would think that counseling through a church would be free of charge…. maybe find a non-denominational church in your area?…
Post # 16
@runsyellowlites: I thought about that, but I can’t really bring up any sex problems there, can I? haha, did I mention we haven’t had sex in months? Like.. since last summer? I think that’s a problem.