Post # 1
I feel like I’m being a broken record but I really do need to get some advice on how to deal with a SIL.
Let me start out by saying that my SIL lives over 8 hours away and she hardly ever comes home for holidays or even just to visit, so its not like I see her or have to deal with her often, but when I do, just the idea of being in the same room as her puts me in defense mode. And I DO NOT like feeling that way.
So we started out forging a fairly strong relationship when my husband and I (her brother) first started dating. We’d go out to dinner or lunch every once in a while, she’d invite me to go shopping etc. and I thought that this was really nice and I was really looking forward to having a SIL (being from a fairly awkward family dynamic, I was looking forward to having a possible girl my age that was family to confide in and all of that)– until I noticed her parents were a bit distant and found out why… she was telling them wild lies about me including that I force her to drink, I was forcing my husband to get a dog, I was forcing my husband to have a Catholic ceremony, I was only interested in her brother for his money (I make the same he does…) It took years to undo that damage. After that I kept my distance from her. She moved 8 hours away and I thought with the distance, we might have a relationship one day… and then we got engaged and my SIL called her parents before WE had a chance to tell them we were engaged (I made the STUPID mistake of updating FB before we called them.) When we did call you could hear how hurt my MIL and FIL were that we didnt tell them first and it put my then FH in an awkward situation. I have thick skin and I am only forced to tolerate her through marriage…but what she did to my husband? her brother? I was livid.
We had a beautiful wedding, but people have been telling me all sorts of smatterings of some of her antics during the wedding (sobbing uncontrollably telling anyone who would listen what a mistake it was, taking bets on how long it would last etc.) She didnt even get us a wedding gift or even a card! Never congratulated her brother. Nothing. I’ve actually had to force myself to tell people not to tell me any more about what happened behind the scenes (even though there is a very shallow part of me that wants to know what she says about me…) My husbands parents dont seem to buy it, and her antics at the wedding didn’t affect my positive relationship with them, but I’ve never heard them tell her she’s wrong (although they might, since I really didnt catch any of her nonsense anyway..)
So my motto is “kill ’em with kindness” until further notice, but its really hard, especially when I try to be nice and she’s cold and talks down to me (I’m going for my doctorate right now and she only has an associates degree and her acting like I’m an idiot hits a nerve). I’m already internally preparing for the day we are pregnant and tell everyone bracing myself for her to start the rumors of who the father is etc.
So aside from keeping a level head (as best I can) thanking my lucky stars I dont have to see her often or at all, and killing her with kindness, any other advice?
Post # 3
Honestly, I would want to sit down with her and ask her what her motivations are and let her know what she has done has been very hurtful. There has to be a reason why. List out all of the things that have made you unhappy. Tell her you’re hurting. Ask her what you did to her or said to her that made this happen. People aren’t this nasty without reason, however petty.
Post # 4
Out of sight, out of mind. That’s my motto with my SIL. She’s not quite as unbearable, and it helps that the whole family knows she’s just a little nutty, but when I don’t have reason to think of her, things just go a lot smoother.
Also, I find that it helps to have somebody to complain about her to, when we do have occasion to interact….and that person can’t be my husband…because while he knows she’s obnoxious, she’s also his sister, and he feels love for her, as he should.
When I am around her, I just sort of let her spew her nonsense and I don’t argue, because I’ve learned, it just doesn’t get me anywhere. She’s gonna do her, and I’m confident enough in my relationship with DH to know that what she says/thinks matters not.
Post # 5
Unfortuntely there isn’t really any advice to give. Your SIL in a liar and a minipulatpr and there is nothing that you can do or say to change her.
I can’t say that I know exactly what you are going through but I know my SIL (actually both of them) are not pleasant to deal with.
First we will start with my brothers wife (I will keep it short because I can honestly go on forever). She is an attention seeker, unappriciative, rude, inconciderate and everything not nice. She expects us to give her the world so whenever we did get her something we wouldn’t even get a thank you.
My husband sisters goes thru these moods where she can’t stand me or husband and she will be rude. She always makes sures that everyone is always paying attention to her. If the attention is not on her for any point in time she is either miserable or does whatever she can to put the attention back onto her. On mine and DH wedding day she avoided me like the plague, didn’t get us a gift nor sign her name on the card from her parents, and she left the wedding extremely early because her knee hurt.
I know that there is nothing that I can do to change them or even change the way that they treat me. (trust me I have tried). The best you can do is tolerate her when you have to and pay no mind to her when you don’t
Post # 6
Wow she sounds horrible. And your DH knows that she says all this crap and puts up with it? He needs to call her out on her BS (not you) and tell her to either get with the program and that you are his wife and you will be respected and not gossiped about to anyone that will listen or she need not have any contact at all with you guys. She sounds like a huge bitch.
Post # 7
I’m sorry this is happening, but the world is full of difficult people, they’ve got to be someone’s sisters and daughters, don’t they? Too bad this one is your problem, really.
I really think your in laws are doing their best to stay neutral on all of this silliness, they can’t take sides because it will only make things worse, and as someone with in laws that will actually call, “Same sides and the Labor Day Feud!” I can tell you, they’re wise people to just float along and ignore both you and your SIL, this kind of stuff gets worse with attention.
Onto you my dear, a fight only works if both people are in the ring, otherwise, you’ve got this lone guy in a pair of shiny shorts taking swings at nothing…get out of this fight and forget about her…you said she’s not around much, as awful as she sounds it should be a relief to declare to yourself that she’s not allowed in your space, head space, heart space, family space….her actions and what comes out of her mouth should be met with a slightly amused yet completely uninvested focus and consideration and then forgotten as quickly as a nightclub in New York….I’d be cordial but just a little distant, like she’s there to fix the furnace, you know you have to talk to her, and be nice, but it shouldn’t be too enthused…she’ll find someone else to freak over, and even if she doesn’t, if you don’t engage, she’s fighting someone who isn’t there.
Post # 8
@Nona99: No definitely, my in-laws are real troopers here, particularly since they are doing their very best to stay the hell out of it– and I think I don’t retaliate at her as often as I want to BECAUSE I don’t want to do that to them or my husband. The times they have chimed in is more because the things she’s told them are a big concern. What mother or father wouldn’t want to make sure that their son is not dating some money-grubbing lush with control issues? I get that, but it took years to undo that damage. It’s just soo hard not to snap back at her. And I hate hate hate feeling the tension when she is there, since there is a mutual dislike there. I know I’m doing the right thing and letting it go and ignoring it but man its hard! thanks for the advice from everyone. I just wish I could turn off the frustration and knot in my stomach when she is around. I want to let her have it but that will only make it worse and not solve a thing.
Post # 9
I would have my husband deal with his sister. His sister, his problem. As far as our interactions, it would be hi and bye.
I think you have a great attitude.
Post # 10
also stop adding things to your facebook trust me she is probarly checking on you everyday, Delete your account and use a different name and dont add her as your friend. Why add stress to your happy life, ignore her and enjoy your husband