- 5 years ago
- Wedding: February 2015
Hi Fellow Bees,
So I am not new to the Bee but I decided to go anonymous for this….
My SO and I are very opposite in how we approach communication and sharing our feelings/emotions. I am very open and my emotions are always really close to the surface, especially when the topic or the person is really important to me (which I realize is a pretty usual thing for a lot of people). My SO is much more introverted and he rarely shares how he feels in any situation and he gets overwhelmed sometimes with how much I can express my feelings (and how easily I cry LOL).
We also have our own interests that don’t really coincide. For instance, he loves beer, a variety of genres of music (but very obscure indie rock type music is his favorite), and he’s a foodie. My interests are literature (HUGE bookworm), activism, animals, and art/culture. We are both open to learning about each others’ interests and doing things with each other.
The only area that seems to be a problem is the music thing. I love music but I don’t tend to go seeking out unheard music and I’m not someone who cares if a song or band is “too popular”. If I hear a song and I like it, I don’t tend to care if it’s by Lady Gaga or the most obscure punk band ever. I just like it.
It hadn’t become an issue until I learned that lately he and his ex-girlfriend have been texting each other. She knows about and loves music as much as my SO does so they share that….and that really makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really mind that they text, although I would definitely rather it be on Facebook, but it’s not that I think that something is or will go on (I trust him totally), it’s that it is like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me about music and she can have a whole text conversation with him about it. That hurts since it is already hard to get him to talk about anything! Also, I’ve only met her once and she seemed fine but I have heard how awful she was to him from my SO, a little bit (see: pulling teeth to get him to talk), and his sisters ( things like she cheated on him, would get drunk then call him to pick her up and he’d take care of her until she’d sober up and call him a stalker and throw him out of her house). So I kind of feel that she doesn’t deserve to get to have so much conversation with him since she was not very nice to him.
So I mentioned to my SO that I was uncomfortable with how much they text each other even though I know it is only about music and, as usua,l before I could even say why he got defensive and said “I don’t know what the big deal is, she is just a friend” and then as usual I got upset and he stopped listening to me because I am “emotional”. I only mentioned how I felt because I usually keep it in until it stews and I get even more emotional than I should about it and I was trying to stop that from happening. But once he gets defensive, I kind of loose track of why I was mad and all reasonable support for my feelings go out the window.
I do not want you to get the idea that he is horrible to me and never listens because that is not true. He is wonderfully supportive of everything except when it comes to talking about the feelings in our relationship. This obviously needs to be improved upon for us to be happy in our marriage but I am having trouble getting him to see why that is true and to stop him from thinking that I am blaming him for everything when we do talk about our feelings.
So sorry for the book of a post but any advice, or even just thoughts, are truly appreciated! Thanks Bees 🙂