(Closed) Need some advice (regarding porn)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Can you elaborate what negative impacts it’s had on your relationship?

 

Post # 5
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hmmmm.  Here is how I feel about this:  His personal masturbation habits are just that, personal.  And none of your business, now or ever.  Do you read romance novels or anything like that?  It’s kind of the same thing. 

Watching porn has nothing to do with cheating, those are two separate issues.  Not all porn watchers cheat and not all cheaters watch porn.

Why does this bother you so much?  Is it affecting your sex life with him?  Unless he’s pushing you away sexually in favor of porn I think you’re making too much of a big deal about it.

If he has a true addiction, he needs to seek counseling.  Calling you if he feels the urge isn’t the answer – if he’s an addict he needs professional help.  If he’s just a normal guy wanting to watch porn on occasion, you should lighten up.

Post # 6
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Sunfire:  Everything you said here.

Post # 7
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I understand why you’re upset, but I do think it’s typical guy stuff. In moderation. But your last comment about being pushy with sex isn’t cool at all. 

Post # 8
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Sunfire:  Extremely well put. If it’s truly an addiction and is affecting his and your life (as in, he will skip work to stay home and watch porn), he needs to speak to someone.

OP, you say he gets pushy about sex after looking at porn and doesn’t want to stop as easily. It sounds like you’re waiting for marriage? If so, he needs to respect your boundaries and know what your limits are (I assume yall have talked about this before). I really do think it’s just a typical guy thing (they’re all kinds of horny at 21!), but at the same time he knows it makes you upset, so maybe he should take that into consideration.

Post # 10
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@geekofseaweedia:  Your having a poor body image means you need to work on improving that – from inside yourself.  That has nothing to do with him.  You’re being unfair to him.  You don’t want him to watch it simply because you don’t – and that is why he lies about it – does that make sense?  You’re trying to control something about someone else’s life that is not your place to try to control.  If you keep this up you’ll create a vicious cycle of his trying to please you, getting sexually frustrated, watching porn, lying to you about it, feeling guilty, etc.  That is not a healthy relationship.

The main thing you should realize about porn is that it is no reflection on you in a negative way, at all.  He does not prefer those images to the flesh-and-blood you.  But I do understand where you’re coming from, when I was younger porn skeeved me out, too.  Now that I take it for what it’s worth (not much) it doesn’t bother me. 

It’s ok to express your feelings of being uncomfortable with porn.  You don’t have to watch it if you feel it’s degrading to women (it really is not).  But to try to control someone else’s behavior just isn’t right.  If he wants to watch it, he has every right to.  Obviously he loves and cares about you enough to TRY to stop watching it.  But let me let you in on a little clue about men.  Especially men in their 20’s – they have more testosterone than they do blood, practically.  Anything and everything will get them aroused and if he has eyes at all just his daily life will give him ample fantasy material.  He’s a normal human male, this happens.  Be understanding of that.  Women are different in that way, our sex drives typically take a little longer to kick in.  Respect him for attempting to please you and let him off the hook about this a little.  That alone will improve your relationship.

You don’t have to ever be ok with him watching porn.  But don’t make him feel like he’s a bad person for doing so, because he isn’t.  He’s just a normal man.

Post # 12
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@geekofseaweedia:   Ohhhh.  He doesn’t lie about watching porn, he lies about wanting to stop watching it.  Interesting.  How about this – maybe he isn’t lying and does really want to stop watching it.  But then he gets horny and you know the rest.  Honestly, if the two of you don’t live together it’s understandable that he would want to watch, at least sometimes. 

But you can ask him that when the two of you are married and living together that he not keep any secrets from you.  My FI and I only watch porn together, not separately.  But neither of us would have a problem with it if we did, so that’s a moot point.  What I’m saying, though, is porn can be part of a healthy sex life if you choose to make it so.

Men can be normal horny men and be respectful and responsible at the same time.  Those things are not mutually exclusive. 

And I cringe every time you call him a “boy.”  That sounds very disrespectful.  He is a grown man whom you supposedly want to marry.  Also, grown men watch porn, just as much as boys do, and are just as horny. 

Post # 13
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think Sunfire has given you some really great things to think about!  I hope you take it to heart.

Post # 14
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Unless he is withholding sex from you to instead masturbate, you actually have no right to be upset about his PERSONAL masturbation choices. You are upset because  you have low self esteem, that’s not his problem that is your problem. Getting jealous of porn stars is ridiculous, these aren’t real women who he would ever have a chance of attaining. You don’t have to like the pron he chooses to watch, but you get no say in him choosing to watch it.

He’s a 21 year old hormone raging boy!

Post # 15
Member
11352 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@geekofseaweedia:  I will tell you up front that what I’m going to say will not be a popular response to your post.

Although I do not believe in censorship in the general marketplace, I believe that women and men have the right to expect that their spouses will not be viewing pornographic images of others. I believe that viewing pornography of any kind at any time (once married or while single) is not a good or healthy idea and that such viewing usually has some negative affects on the viewer’s current or future marriage relationship. 

Pornography sets up very unrealistic expectations that the average person (and not even the models themselves) can attain in real life. I believe that viewing someone as a sexual object is ultimately degrading to that person, even if he or she willingly chose to pose for those images.  Although certain types of “softer” images may indeed have beauty to them, simply because the design of the human body is beautiful, I believe that an individual’s body is precious and should only be viewed in an intimate manner by his or her spouse. Likewise, I believe that it is not good for husbands and wives to have archives of intimate images of other people engrained in their minds.   

The challenge for someone who began viewing pornography at a young age and who is now addicted to it is very great, however. Sexual temptation its extremely powerful. Your FI will likely not find it easy to make the difficult choice to do what you’re asking, even if he sees your point and really wants to comply.  He may even experience relapses and, depending on the communication and situation between you, he could even try to hide evidence of his not feeling able to comply with your request. However, I definitely do believe that there is hope for your relationship, if your FI truly wants to honor you by relinquishing his involvement with pornography. However, if he does not, I think you may be in for some serious heartache.

Are you and your FI involved in a particular faith or are you undergoing any pre-marriage counseling? If so, perhaps you could discuss this issue with your pastor/priest/rabbi/cleric. 

 

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