Need some advice/opinion.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think anything that makes you feel insecure is harmless, and I think having constant conversation or early-morning conversation with a female friend is, at bare minimum, opening the door for something bad. If the pictures are all just normal goofy stuff then it probably is just innocent – now. But I wouldn’t let it continue. I would tell him you think it’s inappropriate to spend so much time texting another woman, no matter who she is or what the conversations are about, and ask him to tone down his friendship with her. Be sure to not sound like you’re accusing him of something he didn’t do, though, and make sure he knows it makes you uncomfortable and insecure. Don’t tell him to stop talking to her or anything like that. Make the issue about the frequency/method/time of communications, not just about her in general.

Post # 4
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

@figgnewton:  didn’t you two have some issues with his infidelity in the past? Taking that into account, yes– I would be highly suspect and seriously, seriously consider getting into see a professional ASAP. Cleary, there is a lack of trust between you two [ which I can see why] and he has some relational boundaries that he keeps crossing. I would not let this go.

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would definitely find this super-sketchy. Maybe it’s how he’s coping with the expecting a baby stress?

Post # 6
Member
7275 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Not okay. That’s really excessive communication in my opinion. Most affairs begin at work too = My dad was sexting/talking to one of his coworkers constantly. I’m the one who found out about it and had to tell my mom about it, so I’m very mistrusting about excessive phone conversations when it’s not between a man and wife.

Edit: This woman had met my mom many many times at different work parties and because my mom had to pick up/drop off my dad at work everyday because he couldn’t drive for medical reasons. My dad even introduced her to my younger sister when she ran into them while they were at Starbucks together. He said it was a “work meeting”, which it wasn’t. Some people really don’t care if you’re married or have a family.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@figgnewton:  I don’t think it’s harmless and I always think you should trust your gut. I don’t think sending that many texts and pictures, regardless of the content, is appropriate for a married man and a female who isn’t his wife. I don’t think this at ALL. It doesn’t matter if people at work know he’s married – think of sites like Ashley Madison and the morals of a whole lot of people. Some women just don’t care.

My question is, are the long text conversations taking him away from things he should be doing, i.e. going to sleep with his wife, taking care of his daughter, being a good husband and father? I can’t see how it wouldn’t be and I also can’t see how anyone – other than you – is important enough to stay awake through all hours of the night to talk to. Also, if it was so harmless, he wouldn’t have been hiding it from you (choosing not to tell you is the same thing). 

Post # 8
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Cory_loves_this_girl:  +1. I work in an office and I cannot even begin to tell you how many affairs and inappropriate conduct goes on. It’s just sickening. You spend more time with the people you work with than your family anyway…so why spend family time with coworkers too? :-

Post # 9
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MrsPanda99:  I completely agree… why does he have to spend working, family and sleeping hours communicating with this lady? This is not fine with me. Ask him to see the conversation. 

He obviously thinks that chatting with her is more important than sleep. 1,000 texts in one week! Does he communicate with you as often? 100 pictures? No way!

Ask to see his phone. Do it openly and do not snoop. If the phone memory is empty, I would still be suspicious!

I’m so sorry for you to be in this.

Post # 10
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@figgnewton:  Whatever is going on, it’s a little extreme and I think regardless of propriety or untoward intentions, staying up till three in the morning talking with someone on your phone is excessive and if I’m being honest, kid stuff.

Post # 11
Member
7275 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I also want to add that even if it is just pictures of GIFS or tattoos that they find funny/interesting, they are probably using those as ways to get closer to each other or more bonded. It’s not necessarily just the content of what they are sending each other, but the frequency of the communication is going nowhere good very quickly.

Post # 13
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the number he is sending is a little excessive – I don’t text my fiance that much and it is our main line of communication!! 

A question I would ask is…Is he naturally awake at that time and so is she so they text each other, or is he staying awake/waking up specifically to text her? If it is the latter then it is a problem, definitely. 

But there is no need for excessive texting.

Post # 14
Member
7275 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@figgnewton:  I know when DH was in his early 20s, he was into the older women and they were into him. I think he liked it because it probably seemed a little taboo?

Post # 15
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@figgnewton:  This is absolutely not ok, IMO. If something isn’t already happening between the two, it probably will in the future. This is how affairs start. He needs to end it now.

As for you, it is not your job to keep your husband “entertained.” A marriage is 100%/100%. If your husband is feeling unfulfilled, it is his job to come to you, discuss it and help determine a possible solution – not seek fulfillment from outside of your marriage. If he is, it’s HIS failing; not yours.

 

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