- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
I just need to get this off my chest. I’ve been married for over three months now (yay!), and my wedding was truly the most amazing day of my life. I have never felt so much love in my entire life, and having all my friends and family join me and see my world was truly a dream come true. One day, I’ll have to do a full recap when I actually get the pictures back (which I’ll have to do to counter balance this post…). I loved my wedding, and I love my husband and nothing could have ruined it.
But this one thing happened that every time I think about it, I get so angry. And it’s not like it “ruined” my wedding, because in my mind the events are very separate. Just this event, on any day would have made me feel equally enraged, it just happened to be on my wedding. So I feel guilty speaking negatively about my wedding day, because so many people went out of their way to make such a beautiful day, and I got to marry the love of my life.
But I’m still very pissed off about this event, and I would really like to receive some closure so I don’t feel so negatively about this.
Here’s what happened: My dad has a long and complicated medical history. Every time he goes to a doctor’s appointment he has to literally bring a thick binder of his records. Myself, my sister, and my mom have really been there for him. In my late teens to early twenties I was there for him when he had a heart attack, then chemo, and then a rare autoimmune disease which required going to specialist after specialist around the entire country. He then started to develop mental illness, and he was diagnosed with being bipolar. He was being treated, but he still tends to make very poor choices and does not listen to other people (between chemo brain, being bipolar, and in general a type A person, it’s hard to tell where the lines are). He does things without thinking, which leaves himself hurt (mentally and sometimes physically) and his support system emotionally drained. I drove him to the ER on more than one occasion because he didn’t take his meds. I’ve been snapped at a million times by him, and it’s difficult to watch my mom, who had to deal with him all the time, have to be sucked into this force of nature. With that said, I love my dad and he hasn’t always been this person. He did so much for me and was such a great dad. I’ve lost part of that person which is so tragic. But I love my dad, and when it comes down to it I am there for him.
He was doing a lot better before the wedding, so I didn’t worry beforehand too much about him coming out (he can be a very convincing person, which is bad when he doesn’t keep his word when he acts impulsively). Long story short, he did not travel well and made it very difficult for my family member in coming to my wedding (which was in France, as I live here now). He would stay out all night in Paris without telling people where he was, and in general did not have normal behavior. During my wedding I asked him to make a joint speech with my mom and he refused because he wanted to do his own thing. During the ceremony, he tried to intervene and show me how to put the ring on my husband’s finger. He would pull guests aside during the reception and tell them how he almost died. He literally yelled at me during my wedding because I didn’t want him taking any more pictures of me at 5 am because at that point I just wanted to let go and enjoy being with my friends (I hate having my picture taken, I’m not sure how I managed the whole day, lol!).
….And you know, this is not what I’m upset about. I understand my dad is not a well man, and I feel very guilty for putting him in a stressful situation that would bring out the worst in him. All the stuff he did, I forgive him and I’m not mad (he even called me once he was back home crying about his behavior, poor guy), and bless my family and friends who helped him stay together for my wedding.
What I am upset about is this: At the end of the night (or the beginning of the morning, it was 6 am and starting to get light out), the bus comes to pick up the remaining guests and take them back to their hotels. My dad didn’t leave with the rest of the Americans (he’ll stay awake for long periods then fall asleep for a day, which is so bad when he needs to take a handful of pills on a regular basis), so he needed to get on the bus to go home, so the bus could come back and get all the other guest who were staying in a hotel farther away. Well, my dad strikes up a conversation with one of my husband’s coworkers, who is known to be a bit of an ass especially when he is drunk. I had slight reservations about inviting him, but in my husband’s small office it would have been weird to invite everyone but him. I approach my dad, and knowing how easily he gets distracted, and knowing how much he really needed rest at this point, I told him nicely but firmly that he needs to get on the bus, I’m not going to get into a conversation now but I love him and I’ll see him in the morning for brunch, but now he needs to focus on getting on the bus.
This coworker, then tries to keep my dad talking, and I cut him off and get my dad on the bus. I told him he can tell me what he needed to tell my dad. He then goes on to tell me that he didn’t like the way I was talking to my dad, and that he doesn’t like how sick people are treated as “a problem.” I try to tell him about my dad’s history which is so complicated, but he cut me off saying he didn’t want to hear it. He then went on to tell me his dad was a doctor, and that his dad could fix my dad (because I’m sure your general medicine doctor in the middle of nowhere France is better than all the doctors in UCLA, Northwestern, and Mayo Clinic who have worked on my dad…).
It hurt. It really hurt to be judged on my relationship with my dad. He is not a bad person, I know this, but neither am I. But with him you need to put up boundaries for yourself and for him, even though he really tries to push them. It’s complicated. Plus yes, everything in our family has been about supporting him for the last 10 years. All I wanted was a day, with my husband, to show people the life I was now living, and to not have to tell my dad he couldn’t come to my wedding. Also, the whole “my dad can fix your dad” really hurt. My dad ran an ER for 20 years, he was my hero and rock for so long before he got mentally ill and making harmful decisions. It was a huge reminder of the man I had lost due to things that were beyond anyone’s control. I lost a very strong man, and it sucks the dad I respected – I still love him, but can’t always trust him – wasn’t there with me on my wedding.
I had two options. I could punch him in the face and turn into trashy bride. Or, I could excuse myself from the conversation and compose myself before heading to my room with my husband. My voice cracked and I said I needed to excuse myself and I started to leave. He then put his arms around me and pulled me in (WTF, the only person who should be holding me is my husband!) and forcefully held me saying “don’t cry” while I kept on repeating “let me go let me go” as I finally lost it and started bawling. Finally the group of people hanging out noticed, and as my husband approached the jackass let go and I ran off towards the house and just cried so hard. My husband came over to hold me as I was on my knees in the grass, and told the coworker that he was there to take care of me, and the coworker should get on the bus to go home. I finally got my composure and my husband chalked most of it to being slightly drunk and tired (which probably didn’t help, but still…). I tried to put it out of my mind, but after my husband fell asleep I just felt so bad, I felt like an awful daughter but I don’t know how I could be any different given the circumstances.
He had the balls to show up to my brunch the next day, and I was polite but not exactly warm. I haven’t seen him since, but I get so angry with this guy every time I think about how much he hurt me. It’s not logical for me to detest someone so much who doesn’t even know what my family has been through, but I just can not stop hating him. I told my husband I was no longer interested in hanging out with his coworkers until I at least got an apology from this guy. My husband, not one for drama and doesn’t tend to go along with me when I get worked up (which is good about 90% of the time), doesn’t like confrontation and hasn’t brought it up. My husband is out with his coworkers tonight, leaving me to recall how much I despise this guy who found the darkest part of my life and stabbed me in the back with it…at my own wedding too, which doesn’t help.
So, how do you get over something like this? How do I stop feeling so much negatively towards this person who caused me so much pain? All I want to do is throw a drink in his face. But as my husband is much more calm than myself, I really respect that and wish I had a much calmer mind. I’m hoping this post will somehow help me find that.