(Closed) Need some emotional support, please.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I am sorry you have to deal with more pain and distrust. Finding a man that doesn’t look at what you consider porn is going to be nearly impossible. Step back and get some counseling on the matter before getting married. Maybe speak with a younger, more progressive religious counselor.

Post # 4
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I disagree entirely with your thought process BUT, that’s not the topic of discussion. You said it: adultry is reason to leave. He has committed in it despite your views and objections being clearly stated. I think you need to stick to your guns, and leave.

Post # 5
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

(((HUGS))) What about the counselor you talked to before you stated dating again?  Maybe you can sit down with them and hash this all out.  I’m so sorry, it sounds like you got your feet knocked out from under you. 

Post # 6
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

 @FitBee:  I also wanted to say … it’s not like you just woke up this morning with this .. porn is adultry thing…. you’ve outlined your feelings and like you said in your post… that’s the way you feel.  I don’t think you need counseling for that… I think you need to talk to someone to help you figure out all your feelings on what is going on in your relationship and maybe he does too.

Post # 7
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My FI and I have both been working on chastity, and what we found is that doing it together helps immensely. We decided to be open and honest about what was going on at all points so that we could lean on one another when it got tough. Before, when we stumbled we would just keep it to ourselves, but that perpetuated a cycle of more stumbles!

We decided to get it all out in the open. We call one another when we’re feeling tempted and fess up when we fail. It’s made what used to be pretty much impossible, possible.

This is a tough nut to crack. And, just so you know that it isn’t uncommon, my FI and I struggled with this exact same thing, except it was both of us. We both intellectually agreed that porn was wrong and detrimental to our relationship and we agreed not to use it pretty much right when we started dating, but both of us still struggled with it until we brought it out into the open. It’s much better now.

Good luck and god bless!

Post # 8
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@FitBee:  You need to listen to your gut on this one.

Trust is essential to any relationship, and it seems even more paramount to your relationship given your past. While I think trust can be rebuilt, it does in fact take time and hard work.  Do you want to go through with that? Only you can decide.  For me, I know i could not recover from cheating because the trust would be broken far beyond repair.  Everyone has their different limits on where the line of no return is.

Porn seems like it was one of your non-negotiables, a dealbreaker on your list.  I want to tell you to stick to your values and have the strength to leave. The other part of me knows this is hard to do when you’re this far invested, and also because I do not hold the same views of porn as you do. It’s such a tough call.  Take your time and think it through.  Make a list of pros/cons if it helps. Also, now is a great time to try and objectively evaluate the relationship and your list of “must haves” and “dealbreakers’ in a relationship – is he still meeting all of them except this one thing? 

I wish you the best of luck with this situation and hope you can find answers, peace, strength and happiness.  

Post # 12
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Then you have plenty to pick from when you leave your cheating adulterous fiance because what you have described equals cheating in your heart and based on your history you are unlikely to ever trust him.

Post # 13
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Well, I guess you have two options.  Stick with him through this if you’re willing to and delay the wedding.

Or just outright admit ya’ll two are not a match on a significant level and cut your losses now.

I’m so sorry this is happening.  Had he been honest from the get go, a lot of this could have been avoided and/or handled a different way.

Post # 16
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

This seems to be a popular topic on these boards!

You may not like my response but, I really think you need to try to open your mind a little and consider his needs.  He shouldn’t have lied but the truth of the matter is, MOST men look at porn.  He probably wanted to please you and lied in an effort to cover it up (probably because he cares about you a lot and wanted to be with you!). On the list of sexual needs, porn seems like a fairly innocent one in my book.  Even if he says he’s “getting help”, not being on the same page about sex is always going to cause problems IMO.  Its not fair for one person to have something they desire and not be allowed to do it for the rest of their lives.  It doesn’t make either of you bad people, its just not compatible.  So unless you can’t compromise on this issue, I don’t think its fair to say he can never do it.

And my favorite person on the topic:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=15715&show=comments&display=&sort=desc

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15876642

Hoping you work everything out.  Try to use this as an opportunity to be vocal about eachother’s needs and create an environment that allows for honesty, real honesty, including being able to vocalize sexual needs and desires. 

The topic ‘Need some emotional support, please.’ is closed to new replies.

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