(Closed) Need some help on my cheating husband – PLEASE!!!!!!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

A lot of relationships survive cheating. It really depends on how you feel about it. Over time, can you forgive him and move forward? Or is it too much and you will always be suspicious of him? If that’s the case, then you’ll probably have trouble trusting him and that would ruin a relationship as well.

Post # 4
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You need to go to couple’s counseling. Honestly, while I hate cheating, I think this is an instance where you could survive it. The environment that he cheated in is very unlike your environment here at home, and it happened years ago, and only with one person several times. Now, if it happens AGAIN, my advice no matter what would be to leave. But right now, if you want to stay together and get through it, I would recommend marital counseling, and possibly individual therapy as well.

Post # 5
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m not sure I could trust someone who cheated on me. If you do forgivenhim you will have to truly put it behind and move forward. I couldn’t do it but maybe you can,

Post # 6
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through – it sounds incredibly difficult!  You don’t say whether or not you are military or if you’ve been involved with someone in the military in the past.  But, as you know from having been with him for 9 years, though, it is a hard, hard life!  I was engaged to a Marine so I’m aware myself of how extremely difficult military relationships can be, let alone, one where one partner cheated.  Listen to your gut – do you trust your husband now?  If not, do you want to live with some mistrust?  If you can answer those questions, you can decide what it is that will ultimately make you happy. 

Post # 7
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

The way I see it, and this may be a little too straight forward, one time MAY be a mistake but the second and third time he just didnt care. He was thinking of himself and not you. People have one huge flaw in life, sometimes, being overly selfish. Unfortunately, people can’t control themselves but that doesnt mean YOU have to suffer. You seem very hurt and very confused but I also think you know exactly what you need to do. You need to move on. Dont put yourself through such heartache. Everytime he is deployed you will drive yourself mad asking yourself and asking him where he was and what he did. He lied to you for years, what makes you think he wont lie to you again?

You’re a smart, strong, and most likely beautiful woman. Stay strong and remember, YOU come first. YOUR feelings are what are in the forefront. Put YOUR happiness first. There is always life after anything that happens in life. Best of Luck to you!

Post # 8
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Fitgirl:  Every relationship is different. The one that you have sounds somewhat lonely and it has a lot of opportunities for mistakes to happen and for mistrust to occur. I am not wondering if you can forgive and forget. I am wondering if you are truly happy with the lifestyle this marriage provides for you or whether you are waiting for it to change some day.

Post # 10
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Fitgirl:  It sounds like the lifestyle feeds the mistrust…

Post # 11
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Fitgirl:  You say, “But truly, like my girlfriends and all his peers say, this man is definately a keeper. He is so loving and supportive that it’s a lovely comfortable feeling. I have never felt like this and we just click in every way.”

He’s not a keeper though. He cheated on you. He had sex with another woman while saying that he loved you. What’s even worse is that when you first asked him,  he lied to you and denied it. Honestly, it’s a whole load of messed up. I would walk. But maybe you’re different.

Post # 12
Member
6686 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

It sounds like couples therapy may be of some help here.  Not to make excuses for him,but he was in a hellish environment.

Wheher you decide to stay or go, a good therapist can make the transition smoother for both of you.  

I think, based in everything you’ve shared, it’s worth trying couples’ counseling before you quit.

 

Post # 13
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Fitgirl:  I would normally say that cheating is a clear sign that the relationship needs to be ended, but I know that couples sometimes can and do work through it, and it sounds like this could maybe work for you two. I think the best way to find out is to go to couples’ therapy, as others have suggested. A good therapist will really help you both take a look at your relationship and his cheating in ways that will make your decision easier and clearer. I wish you all the best. It sounds like you’ve been very strong and level headed.

Post # 14
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@sassy411:  I unwittingly repeated everything you said. Good advice!

Post # 16
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

There are a few things here that strike me:

on the 2003 deployment

So you were not married yet and this happened 10 years ago?

At the time of this you two were serious dating for a year and a half or two years?

We got engaged in 2007 and married in 2009.

So he has been completely faithful to you 4 years prior to asking you to marry him?

He has also been completely faithful to you 6 years after asking you to marry him?

That’s 10 years of being faithful, since 2003?

 

Something I would really want to know is why he did it. “The opportunity was there.” wouldn’t be good enough for me.

Did he do it because he didn’t think he was really tied down?
(Some people don’t think you have to be faithful until you have a ring on it)

He didn’t think your relationship was all that serious at the time?
(by this I mean he wasn’t really thinking marriage)

He thought maybe there was something with this person because of the attraction?

He was lonely?

Some reasons would be better than others.
Ask him… did you see our relationship as all that serious when you did this?

If he didn’t, and doesn’t want to tell you because it might hurt your feelings, it’s actually something that can help you heal. He didn’t see it as too serious at the time… but after this thing happened he did and was afraid to lose you… 4 years later he asks you to marry him.

If this thing was 10 years ago prior to your marriage and prior to your engagement this man made a choice, he chose you over a physical relationship with this other person or any other person when he put that ring on your finger. If you believe he has been faithful to you ever since and would never do it again. There is really hope for this.

Emailing him the letter is good. I would also suggest counseling as some of the bees suggested. Counselors can help you get to the root of what happened and why. They know tons of reasons people do this because they deal with these same problems every day. It’s a good way to help this heal if that’s what you choose.

One thing even the counselor would say this. If you do choose to forgive and heal – you can’t hold onto this thing. I mean you can’t bring it up every time you fight. You can’t look at this man like he is beneath you. etc. Counseling will be helpful for that type of stuff too.

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