Need some outsider opinions – no engagement yet, LONG READ

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

How long would you say things have been settled for the two of you? From the sounds of things the two of you have made it through a lot of difficulties which really is something.

 

I know SO and I had no intention on taking our relationship further until we were settled which we are now (aside from one tiny thing which will be gone by next week- yay!) Maybe your SO is just trying to enjoy things the way they are now before the next big event i.e. marriage and babie?

Also my SO surprised me when he said he wanted to be a dad by 28 but that was many years ago and I’m sure that now he is nearly 27 he is changing his mind! Sometimes your timeline changes with age. How old was your SO when he said he wanted ch by the time he was 27/28?

 

Just a few different perspectives…

Post # 4
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

There are people who will see nothing at all wrong with the situation you currently are in, which is, for the most part, a happy, comfortable relationship with a man you love very much and whom you believe loves you and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. They will wonder why you would even consider going backwards in your relationship by moving out or breaking up, even if one of you decides you never want to marry. These are those who would embrace your SO’s philosophy of, “If it isn’t broken … “

There are others, like myself, who believe that there is a very significant and fundamental difference between marriage and cohabitation for reasons that may encompass everything from religious beliefs, faith and morality to economics and legal protection, to matters of tradition and/or practicality and other factors. I should note that all of those apply to me and are why I would not ever have chosen to live with someone prior to marriage.

And there are those who would most closely identify with a number of points in between.

Problems tend to arise when a person who begins in one camp gradually or suddenly finds that his or her beliefs and values are more consistent with those of another, while those of his or her SO have not changed, or vice versa.  In situations such as these, the person who wants to progress toward marriage, while his or her SO does not, often feels as if he or she has little to no control over his or her relationship, life, and future. And, honestly, as long as the person who wants to be married chooses to prioritize his or her current relationship over his or her own personal values, beliefs, and life goals, he or she is going to continue to experience that frustration

It sounds from you post as if you are no longer content to remain in your current relationship given the status quo, and I certainly can understand why.  I think you are very wise to begin to re-evaluate your relationship not in light of where it has been but of where it is likely to go.

Post # 5
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Whenever I hear a case of someone stating- why get married, nothing changes- I think it’s time for the two to talk. Have you sat him down and explained what being married means to you, and why it will be a change and is worth doing?  You have reasons, you just have to articulate them. If he hears you out, and is still of the same opinion, then he’s not really on board. If you explain what something means to you, and he can’t understand that, then I would say take a step back. If something means a lot to me, and means nothing to my SO, why wouldn’t he be willing to do it for me? If something truly did not matter to me, and it would make my SO happier than anything else, I would move heaven and earth to do whatever it was for him. 

I think you need more clarity on why he hesitates and if you’re willing to live life without ever getting what you want. 

Post # 6
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Brielle:  

+ 1

This is one of the best pieces of advice for waiting Bees that I have seen… very wise words. 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@BelliniChic:  Thank you very much.

A long time ago, I heard a quote that really resonated with me.  It was:  “If you don’t want to go downtown, don’t get on the bus.”  It makes a lot of sense. 

Sometimes, when we’re younger (and sometimes even when we’re older), we can lack the wisdom and experience to fully evaluate the likely outcomes of our choices and actions, and we sometimes also tend to ignore the counsel of others who may have more wisdom and experience and who may advise us to consider a different course of action.

However, after we’ve made our own decisions based on what we feel and want to do, even if we discover — sometimes years later — that things just don’t seem to be working out the way we had hoped and envisioned, we can sometimes feel that, by that point, we have already invested SO much (time, energy, effort, emotion, and other resources) in a particular course of action or, in this case, a relationship, that the thought of making a major change can seem overwhelming and even too difficult. Because of that, we sometimes just settle for the status quo, when, all the while, we’re lamenting that we don’t really have what it is that we really want.

I remember when I was younger being in some longer-term dating relationships that I knew in my heart just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Yet, I resisited breaking up with the individuals, because I didn’t want to have to start all over again with someone else.  I felt as if breaking up and getting over the break up, and then waiting to meet someone new, and getting to know that person, etc. would just take so much more time.  Back then, I failed to consider that, by staying in the wrong relationship, I was only continuing to delay my ability to find the right one.

Thankfully, in time, I learned.  By the time I met my DH, I was in my mid 40s, and I had zero interest in even considering dating anyone who did not share my faith-based beliefs and whose goals for a relationship were different than mine. By that point, I had learned to embrace and rely on a healthy “weeding out” process to help keep myself from wasting my time, God’s time, and someone else’s time in exploring relationships that I already knew just would not go in a direction that I needed and wanted to go.

Post # 8
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Brielle:  

So many of us have been there. That is great perspective that also could be applied to many other situations outside of relationships. Excellent food for thought!

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