- 3 years ago
I’m a little new to this site and I’ve been looking through some of the posts that are related to this issue, but I wanted to throw my story out there just to get some outsiders opinions. Sometimes hearing something from “strangers” can make things clearer than talking with people who know you and your SO, so here I go- sorry if it ends up being a long read.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years, 6 years come late January. I’m 26 and he just turned 28 last month. Our story isn’t exactly the normal “we met, dated for awhile, moved in together, now what?” kind of story. I was living half way across the country when we first started dating (we hung out a LOT before I had to move to a different state, but we weren’t together). We started our relationship long distance and didn’t see each other for about 3 months. I moved out to California and ended up living with him as his parents house (that was not exactly the plan, but we got stuck living there).
After a few months, his parents made it very clear that they did not want me living there anymore because we weren’t married and they didn’t like the idea of us together under their roof. I didn’t have enough money to move out on my own yet, so we (mutually) ageed to find an apt together, which we did. We lived in our first apartment for 11 months. During this time, the recession hit and it hit hard. He lost his job and I ended up in a position where te finances became my responsibility. After a few months, it came to be too much and we had to move back in with our parents, but since his parents didn’t want me at their house, I had to move back in with my own parents who live across the US. So we ended up in a long distance relationship again.
A good 6 months passed and I saved up enough money to move back to California to be with him. I got a place with a friend and everything was going great until I got news from said friend that something happened at the house I was staying at and I had to be out the next day. With no where to go, I asked his parents if I could stay at their house just to save up money since I couldn’t afford to move back in with mine. As before, they said no and I ended up living out of my car for a good 3 months. I ended up saving up money and finding a room to rent on my own (without the boyfriend) and everything as going fine until, once again, drama hit the house I was staying at that involved a very aggressive “domestic disturbance” and I could not in my right mind stay there (for obvious safety reasons).
We ended up getting another apartment together (we’ve been here for 3 years now) and it really does feel like home now. I’m in a point in my life where everything is falling into place. I can support myself (and him) and do not see anything happening in the future that would cause us to have to be apart again (knock on wood ***).
Except there’s one thing that’s still missing from my life, and that’s a family of my own.
I love this man more than life itself and I would do anything for him if he needed. We’ve been through the stresses of being apart, the stresses of crazy finances- also in this time we’ve gone from only him having a vehicle to both of us having a vehicle to only me having a vehicle. We’ve almost broken up once in these(almost) 6 years and it was because he got into some trouble with his drinking (and driving, you do the math) and it was causing some strain on our relationship.
A few years ago (4 to be exact), he bought me a promise ring on a whim. At the time he seemed like he really wanted to, but if we get into a really heated arguement, he’ll make it sound like he didn’t want to and that it was almost a mistake- but mind you (am I really defending this?!)- this argument has only happened twice- both times were really bad times for us, both financially and emotionally. Things were said that neither of us meant and we have since moved on, but it still happened so I felt I should share.
As of today, we have a great life together. We both work fulltime jobs, come home, have a little dinner together. We go on more dates now than we did when we were younger. Everything we do is a team effort whether it be bills or where we want to go for the weekend. We don’t buy anything without telling the other (unless it’s a surprise) and we’ve really come a very long way from where we were.
When we first started dating, we told each other where we would like to be in the coming years. We were both on agreement that we would like to settle down and start a family when we each 27-28 years old.
Well, now we’re at that age. We’re in a good place, but am I safe to assume that maybe we’re in too good of a place? We’ve talked about getting married, but with mixed results. When he’s in a good mood, he’ll say “I can’t see myself with anyone but you” and if he’s not really feeling the whole “settling down” talk, he saying something like “why get married, nothing’s going to change”- which really, is a little heartbreaking.
So here’s my question. I want to marry this guy and e his wife. I want him to father my children and help me raise them in this crazy world. I’ve never connected with someone like him before. With that being said… I feel like I’m being strung along. Like, the more comfortable we get sharing our lives together, the less likely it is that we’ll actually settle down. I try not to dwell on it too much, but as a girl, it’s just what I do-not all the time, but enough to come on here asking for advice.
Should I keep waiting to see if maybe it will happen or just let bygones be bygones and call it quits while it’s still good? Am I wrong by making everything so comfortable? Should I back off a little and see what happens? I’m actually considering getting my own place for awhile since I don’t like the idea of just living with him and there being no forseen commitment. Is it all in my head?!
I need an outsiders view- if I keep talking to the same people about it, I’ll keep getting the same responses (usually ends up being drastic recommendations – I don’t want to give him an ultimatum. That will drive him away.)