- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I have backspaced and rewote this post about a bajillion times now. I’m obviously a basketcase. I think I need advice? Perspective? I don’t know. I need something.
You can read all my past posts to truly understand because there is a LOT of backstory that has gone on that needs to be understood before really knowing the gravity of my situation, but long story short: I have an overbearing MIL who, on Sunday, told me that we WILL be catering to everyone when our child is born because we are not the only ones in his life. I took time to cool off, came back in, and with an even, calm voice I essentially told her that she is not the mother of this child, I am, and DH and I will make the decision of where to be at what time. This didn’t sit well with MIL as she screamed at me and proceeded to kick me out. In all fairness my DH didn’t say or do anything because it all hapened so fast, and he was pretty much shut out of our talk.
A few days later, DH and I talked about it, came to agreements about how visits will be handled with our child (who is due in April), and we agreed when MIL was ready, we would sit down and discuss this further. He assured me he would be able to sit down and tell his parents that this is just the way it is, and they can feel how they want to feel, but ultimately we get the final say. We know she obviously isn’t going to be happy about not being able to control this situation, but we both felt it was good to at least make sure she knows this is how we plan to handle future situations and possibly work on rebuilding my broken relationship with her. It was a very positive conversation, and I was so happy DH was supporting me, and we could agree on all of this.
This morning as I was brushing my teeth I kind of asked myself why we need to sit down and do this all over again. MIL is very controlling. If she can’t control the situation she will NEVER to be happy, so what is the point? She won’t ever be able to control this situation since it’s our child. DH was quick to say he agreed about not sitting down to talk again, and that made me upset (even though it was kind of my idea), and I THINK it upset me because I know he is a passive person, and I feel like he just doesn’t want to have the conversation now NOT because of what I said above but because it would kind of let him off the hook to stand up to his parents.
However, then I got to thinking a whole hoard of things. If we decide to sit down we could possibly mend what’s broken. It truly is possible. It would also be a good chance for us to get our point across that in the end our decision is final and that’s that. Setting boundaries, you know?
Then I thought if we don’t have the conversation, and we let things go, what does that mean for future visits to the in laws? I was kicked out and my MIL is fuming mad at me. Do I not go anymore and have the possibility of her talking shit to DH behind my back? Do I go with the possibility of her ignoring me or setting a tense tone at every visit and the possibility of her saying something and me getting kicked out again?
And if I don’t go, and DH supports my decision to stay behind what does that mean for us later on down the road? Can our marriage truly survive that way? Visits without me? We are a family unit, and DH says he loves me and we are one. We go together, but I can’t expect him not to ever see his parents. That’s not my place. BUT he should support me too, right? If he hasn’t had the strength in the past to defend me against his parents why would he start at that point? His parents will also relish the fact that I wouldn’t be visiting too because they don’t care about their own marriage, they don’t care about ours, so why would they care if anything happens to us?
And then we have the issue with our son. If we DO talk about this and possibly start getting the relationship back on track, what does that mean if I take my son to visit, and we decide to go? Am I going to become scum of the earth again because we decided to take our child home at 5:00PM instead of 7:00PM like SHE wants? Do I have the strength to deal with all of that while trying to take care of my baby? If we don’t talk about this, how will visits with grandma even be handled? Will DH take our son himself to visit? What if I say no, the baby is not going on an overnight visit this weekend, and my DH disagrees? At that point is our marriage pretty much done?
I’m sorry everything is so messy and crazy. I am just trying to figure everything out, and I know I shouldn’t do that. I can’t come up with a solution or outcome to every possible senario, but if someone can give me some perspective that would be fantastic.
**Just as a side note, and with me obviously anxious right now, this may come off as bitchy and I apologize but please…if you are just going to tell me to go to therapy you’re wasting your time and not offering anything helpful. I already go to therapy for anxiety, see my doctor, and I have considered marriage counseling, but haven’t gotten to that point with DH yet due to the fact that this is an issue that could prevent that.