Need Some Perspective-Please Help

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry you still have to deal with her.  YOU are the parents, SHE is not.  She is family, sure, so she should definitely be able to visit.

I do think it’s a good idea for your DH to grow a spine and tell his mother that the child’s PARENTS will make any and all decisions regarding the child, where he goes, and for how long.  She can either get on board with it or go eff herself.

Best of luck sweetie!

Post # 4
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@megz06:  I think that its easier said than done, but you need to stay firm and stand your ground with this woman. It’s YOUR child and she has NO rights other than the ones you give her. She sounds like someone used to getting her way and now she’s upset that she’s not managing to steam roll over everyone else. She either interacts with your baby in ways that you approve of and manage, or you don’t let her visit until she can be civil. 

Post # 5
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

After reading all your posts, I think you’d be well served to write your MIL a letter. Like, write it out longhand and snail-mail it to her. Tell her to respond the same way. There’s something therapeutic about writing out your feelings by hand, and there will be so much time passing between each communication that you can’t possibly both stay mad at each other and write anything you don’t mean. It seems like every time you two try to speak, you both get angry and flustered and things get out of hand. Perhaps taking a slower approach will help! Maybe your husband can also write part of the letter — since the handwriting will be his, MIL will read those parts in his voice and not in yours.

I agree with you — I think that there is a chance that this can be fixed. But everyone needs to feel like they can say everything they need to say, and it doesn’t seem like that’s possible when you’re all in the room together.

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m so sorry you have to deal with such a crazy wretch!

I think you and DH need to set the boundaries, then sit her down and tell her what they are. For example: Baby can sleep over at grandma’s (once a week, once a month, once a year, not until he has a sibling). When we visit with baby, we plan to leave (after X hours, when the baby gets sleepy, by 7pm) As far as future holidays go (we will come visit you, we would like you to visit us, we will visit the next day, we will visit some time that week)

And the more difficult she is when the baby actually arrives, the less she sees the baby.

Post # 7
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel sorry for you. We went through something like that with my MIL, fortunately DH was on my side. When she became too much, we both decided to write her an email stating our ”limits”, and that those were non-negociable. She had to accept those and we could pursue a relationship with her, or she could refuse and we would be done. This was about a year ago.

She reluctantly accepted, and has since then made great effort in order to not be overbearing and always play the victim if she did not get her way. We also make sure to not visit her too often, like every 4 months or so, she cannot call me, has to call her son. I think what keeps her in check is she wants very badly to see her grandson, so she behaves.

Anyways, we put much thoughts in our limits and rewrote them 2-3 times, but in the end, it was worth it. What made my husband ”click”, was when I told him I had to deal with his mess with his mother because he never took care of it since he became a man, and I was now the bad guy because he would not take responsabilities.

Hope this helps, I advise to resolve this before baby comes, so you can be at peace and enjoy babay! Wish you all the best.

Post # 9
Member
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@megz06:  I hope your talk with DH is going well. I find it very encouraging that he is talking about his feelings regardless of how he got there, but it would be interesting to find out WHY there has been a shift.

Don’t worry about the entire future (and the future of your marriage) right now. It sounds like you are a good, solid couple I am confident you will get through whatever his parents, and life, throws at you. 

Your needs and decisions may change after you have the baby. That is okay. Don’t feel like you need to set all of your terms today. What I would be firm on, and ask your husband to back you 100%, is that the two of you will decide as a couple when and how long to see them for, and you will leave at that time on the dot regardless of what your in-laws say or do to try to get you to stay.

You don’t seem vindictive so I don’t think you will ultimately keep the baby or DH away to punish the crazies. I doubt your husband will start to resent you. I am guessing you will still attend holidays and you will still choose to visit with your DH. Like I said, when you are making plans, I would agree on what time you are leaving. Even if he goes without you, have him give you a time that he will leave at and HE needs to stick to it. This will establish boundaries with MIL and ultimately strengthen your relationship by honoring a commitment he made to you. 

Post # 10
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

@megz06:  You aren’t the one that needs the therapy! MIL needs to back the hell off! Just because she’s the grandparent, it doesn’t mean she has any right to dictate when you should do what. That is up to you and DH, as the parents, to decide. Your DH needs to stand up for you and be a united front, not united with you when it’s him and you, and not united with her when it’s her and him. He needs to be on your side and MIL needs to see it.

Planning anything is very hard with a baby, and it depends on what you feel up to on the day. If you can’t follow through with plans that MIL has made (be it tiredness, illness, anything really), that’s your right! It’s not being difficult or disrespectful, it’s called being a new parent and trying to get into a new routine and not over committing yourself.

There needs to be boundaries – no unannounced visits as that may conflict with nap times (for you and baby) or feeding. You may just be having a bad day and not have the energy for guests – and that’s fine!

At the end of the day, it’s your child, not hers, and she doesn’t have the right to dictate your life!

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