Need some perspective, we fought then husband asked for sex (long)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Perspective.. um.. he sounds immature… the whole screwing you over to look good to his buddies, making you seem less of a priority than his brother, being nice to get sex after you were upset all weekend.. he just seems.. yeah, immature, for lack of better word.

Is this how he generally is?  

You are not crazy.  He’s being a douchecanoe.

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@anonbee112233:  FI and I are very competitive when we play games. I would happily kick his butt and I get pissed off when he kicks mine, lol. I can see the issue of the “lie” but it was just a game. I really don’t think something so trivial should impact whether or not you trust your husband to do the bigger things in life right. FI would totally trick me into losing a game and I’d do the same right back to him 😛

Also, women are generally so emotional and have to be in a right mood for sex (I am not this way, though I do try and understand it). A woman will not have sex unless all is well in the relationship (for the most part), but a guy can often use sex as a way to bridge an emotional gap and connect again. All is well for the guy if you are having sex. That’s why they call it make-up sex.

I do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and you need to choose your battles.

Post # 6
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Did he mean it when he apologized?  I mean, it sounds like you guys resolved it, right?  He had no way of knowing that you didn’t accept his apology and weren’t really over it.  You were upset, he apologized, you guys figured out what the issue was and he agreed to not do it anymore.  Problem solved.  Make up sex is good sex – maybe you should have taken him up on it.  It’s not like he jumped you the night before. 

Post # 7
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Not to be harsh, but you said it yourself:

I think it’s so stupid to be upset about something as trivial as this.” 

It’s a board game. If I got mad at my DH everytime he beat me at something, I’d never get anywhere in life with him.

Post # 8
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@anonbee112233:  You said that this game requires you to be deceptive, so if you have trust issues this probably isn’t the best activity for your relationship.  If your husband is really putting his brother’s perspective of him over your feelings then the issue isn’t what he did in the game; it’s how he treats you around his brother.  He needs to realize that this undermines your relationship with him.  I’m guessing he doesn’t really understand how much he hurt you, so hopefully you can explain this to him.  Best of luck.

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@housebee:  +1. If the real issue is about how he treats you in front of people, fine. That’s valid. If the real issue is the game…I really don’t see that as valid, but to each their own.

Post # 10
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@anonbee112233:  It sounds like, also, that your past place a very distinctive role in this relationship.  You admit you have issues stemming from your history and I think it’s coloring in things here.  Now, I do think he’s being an immature putz, for sure, but I can also side with those who think you’re making a lot out of this.

I do not mean this condescendingly, but have you ever spoken to a therapist?  Maybe some totally outside perspective on your history could help you move forward.  He needs to grow up, but you have to be able to handle simple conflict more efficiently than being upset for two days, you know?  THis was not some big blow out fight.  

Post # 11
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@MrsPanda99:  i was trying to think of how to write pretty much this same thing and then saw your post.

 

OP, it stinks that your husband feels like he has to act differently around his brother.  i do i think you are overreacting about the lying during the game, though. i doubt he realized it would upset you so much and he already apologized for it.

Post # 12
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Really? I don’t think he sounds douchey in this post at all. I think that you way overreacted, but you seem to realize this. As for lying in the game – I play a LOT of boardgames, and if deception is part of it, then that’s the game. FI and I play boardgames and a lot of the time we have to screw eachother over and/or be deceptive… it’s just the game. As for the sex thing, the way you describe it doesn’t sound douchey. I just don’t think he realized how you were feeling and that you wouldn’t be in the mood AT ALL. Maybe he felt you’d made up and just wanted to be close.

Post # 13
Member
6200 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think it was a dick move to ask for sex, but if you have trust issues that are that bad, you shouldn’t be playing a game that has a deception component

Post # 15
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You play a game that requires you to be DECEPTIVE, THEN you get mad when your husband LIES in the game. Girl please let it go… I wouldn’t play those types of games anymore, if it triggers trust issue trauma from your past.

Post # 16
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@anonbee112233:  …honestly, I think this entire thing got way out of hand….

It was a board game, on the scale of deception, 1 being THIS and 10 being The Crying Game…I really think that your trust issues need to be compartmentalized and dealt with by you…because there’s nothing wrong with getting rowdy and kicking your wife’s ass in a board game if the opportunity presents itself…otherwise you aren’t really playing, you’re just letting each other win.

You told him how you felt, he listened, he owned up to being a jerk and said he was going to work on that…what else is there?  How does letting this upset and derail you for entire day accomplish anything and at what point do things go back to normal?

Que the late night sex attempt…after watching you cry, talking about trust issues, his brother, apologizing for screwing you over in a board game and generally being an awesome guy…yeah, he wants sex, he wants to connect with you and needs to feel close after everything…it wasn’t about you just then, the whole day leading up to it however, was….so yeah….I think you got stuck in the emotional loop of being upset and got a little crazy there, but its all totally fixable…..

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