(Closed) need some serious help

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If she doesn’t like it when a girl you’ve dated in the past contacts you, she needs to realize she should be leading by example! Double standards about stuff like that are not ok.

Tell her until she is ready to let go of those guys who are messaging her at all hours of the night, you have no intention of cutting off friendships with women you’ve dated either, and if she doesn’t like, then maybe she should reconsider her stance on the situation on her end.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You will find many many posts on this subject!  I think there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer here, at all.  I think each couple needs to set their own boundaries on this matter, what works, what will not. 

In this case, I think first and foremost you two need to have an honest conversation about your pasts, provided you are both willing to hear it.  Because it seems she has friends, and as they reach out to her, you are then finding out about a past and feel deceived.  Deception can be avoided.  Just be prepared to hear details that may make you uncomfortable.

Then, from there, you have to try to communicate a compromise.  I do not think she should cut ties with ALL these friends, provided you know the whole truth, nor should you be made to feel uncomfortable with these friendships.  It can be as simple as her giving you full disclosure on when they talk, what they talk about, and how often, etc to coming to an agreement that you both hang out with these people in a group setting (although that steps on independence and trust of the other person…)

If this is something you cannot agree on, then this may not be the relationship for you.  For what it is worth, I do believe people can be friends after ‘relations’ are had, and be JUST FRIENDS at that.  I still am great friends with people in my past, and now my SO is great friends with them too.  However, we decided to – early on – to give each other full disclosure, and then from there ALWAYS communicate if we feel uncomfortable by words or actions within the friendships, etc.

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@txflyboy82:  Well… if you think about it, they stopped being intimate for a reason. She is with you now. I get how this might make you feel uncomfortable, but if she is the type to be friends with exes, then I can only see this ending badly for you because she will feel like you’re trying to control her. It doesn’t sound like you’re even worried that she’s cheating on you… you just don’t want her talking to guys she slept with. I think you should try to let it go if you can. She wasn’t completely honest because a) you were grilling her and b) the past really isn’t any of your business, is it? I don’t think it should be. Yeah, you could argue that since these guys are contacting her now, it isn’t the past, but you’re worried about something that happened before you came along.

Post # 6
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@txflyboy82:  I agree with previous posters that say it depends on the couple.

 

*In our relationship*, we don’t have any defined “rules” regarding friends of the opposite sex.  But what I’ve noticed is the ones we have are BOTH of our friends.  There arent girls he talks to or texts with that I dont know or hang out with too, same for me and male friends.  Actually, now that I”m thinking about it, if those shared friends need something, they typically text whichever one of us is the same sex as them.

 

As far as being friends with or talking to people we used to date or sleep with, I know my boyfriend (40 yrs old) would not appreciate me talking to guys from my past, at least from my RECENT past.  He knows i’m friendly (as in Facebook friends) with guys I dated casually from 16-18, but nothing past that. 

 

If it were us and a situation arose he was uncomfortable with, I know he’d say to me “listen, I know you’re talking to ______ and it kind of makes me uncomfortable. How would you feel about me starting to text my exes?”  He wouldnt tell me what to do, just express his feelings, which I’d obviously respect.

 

I would be suspicious about men texting your GF already, but even more so since she lied about it.  Like my boyfriend says “exes are exes for a reason, and I dont see any good coming of talking to them.”

Post # 7
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

It personally makes me a bit nervous when I read things like this. I was in this situation before and I was in your girlfriends shoes. I was the girl that had guy friends that I was intimate with way before I had met my boyfriend at the time. To be honest, I cheated a lot with those “friends” too. I am not saying your girl is being unfaithful, I am just saying that this situation raises some concerns. She seems to be guilty of something whether it is inappropriate texting or possibly something physical. I say this because she gets upset with you when you get a message from a woman, but yet she thinks its ok to text with guys. That isn’t fair at all….so either shes being selfish/hypocritical, or she is doing something behind your back.

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