- 5 years ago
This is a burner account I didn’t want to post this under my real one. I don’t even know where to start so I suppose I should start at the beginning. But I don’t want to give too much of a back story on the off chance that someone from my family ever decides to become a bee and finds it so i’ll say this. I also apologize if it’s somewhat jumbled I just want to get it off my chest and sometimes when doing that things don’t always come out the way they should.
I am from the Caribbean, my mom and dad had me young and got married young. My dad left my mom and I when i was 6 years old – although to be honest he’d left us long before then he’d migrated to the US not long after they got married under the pretense that we would join him but that never happened at at 6 is when he made it official with divorce papers etc. At which point he conceded custody of me. By this point he had already began to build a new family he’d been dating a woman and had a son with her who was one year younger than I am. After the divorce he disappeared off the grid we did not hear from him for years. I always remember being in what is the North American equivalent of 2nd grade and I needed to write an essay for father’s day about my father and couldn’t write anything because I knew nothing about him. I remember crying (always to myself because somehow at that young age I knew I’d never want to burden my mom with it). I was raised by my mom and her family and they were amazing, i was surrounded by love from my aunts and uncles and grandmother and I wouldn’t trade them for the world but it’s always hard when you feel as though your dad chose a different family and no matter what my mom told me .
When I was 11 he suddenly reappeared and wanted to rebuild his relationship with me which my mom allowed. I visited him and his family a few times, His wife was nice enough, he always seemed busy and my siblings had their won lives so essentially they had little to interest in me. Eventually he put in the paperwork fro me to be able to migrate and when i finished high school I migrated to live with him and his family and it was one of the worst years of my life. His wife who had always been good to me was sudden;y horrible, I felt isolated and sad most of the time. I don’t think I ever cried so much. Everything seemed to be an issue with his wife and there were many occasions when they had huge arguments about me. My siblings began to resent me because they felt as though I was ruining their happy nuclear family. Eventually I moved back to the Caribbean with my mom and went to university. In that time my dad and his wife separated he bought his own place and his and my relationship began to get solid.
When I graduated from university my dad began to make a fuss about me moving back because i would have better opportunities in north american than i had in the caribbean according to him so a few months ago I remigrated to living with my father but I don’t know what happened he and his wife decided to reconcile and he began accusing me of intentionally isolating myself and doing other horrible things when i was living with him and his family in an effort to ruin his marriage which isn’t true and then he got more upset when I refused to apologize for it but for me apologizing meant that I would be admitting that I did that which isn’t true. He accused me of being manipulative among other things. Since then the relationship that we had built has essentially ben destroyed. He does not speak to me unless he’s asking how my job search is going (which isn’t going well at all) he offers no support in any way and its been hard for me moving to a new country with a new culture is a huge transition doing that with all this stuff looming over your head as well as going months unable to find a job all begins to take it’s toll on you.
He rarely if ever comes home and when he does the only time he talks to me is asking me about my job search and he has this way that he makes me feel like I’m not tryng when in fact I am. He doesn’t support me financially, he doesn’t buy groceries. I’ve basically been living off my savings since i got here because I don’t want to pressure My mom tries to help me in any way that she can but it cost a lot more for her to do so here than if i was in the caribbean where mind you with my degree and voluntary experience I would have been able to get a job by now. And I’m especially angry with my father because of this because when he walked out my mom had only a high school education and spent her life making every sacrifice so that I could have a good life she wasn’t able to finish her university degree because she spent all the money that she made making sure I had the best tutors went to the best schools and had the best life that she could afford to give me. She has a good job now but i think it’s so unfair to her. The only monetary participation my dad ever had in my life was my university fees which cost exponentially less than it would have if I had gone to school here. He has a GOOD paying job etc.
I just find that I’m back to feeling the same way I did when I lived here after high school, I feel sad and lonely and isolated and angry. And i feel like I can’t talk to anyone I don’t want to burden my mom my friends never seem to understand. To top it off my now former FI couldn’t handle the stresses of a long distance relationship so we broke up. my life plan is just screwed because even though I had pretty good grades in university (graduated with honors) I’ve been rejected by 3 grad schools here and it looks like i’ll have to resort to doing my masters online. I can’t get into law school and i just feel worthless and overwhelmed.
I’m so young and I’m just so tired. And I know i have a whole life ahead of me but right now I just don’t know what kind of life that will be.