(Closed) Need some support bees (sorry, sort of long) :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m really sorry your biological father is acting this way towards you. It almost seems as if when he divorced your mom, he divorced you too. And that just plain hurts. His relationship with the woman he married after your mom seems to be stronger, and those kids probably lived with him full time. It’s a shame he can’t see what a wonderful person you are.

It’s great that both your mom and your step-dad do though. Even though they aren’t together anymore, it sounds like your step-dad is more of a father to you than your biological father was. Try to focus on that and what a good person your step-dad is. Are you thinking of having someone walk you down the aisle? Would your step-dad be an option without offending your mom? That might be a really nice honor for him!

Post # 4
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@kkish3:  I think it sounds as if your dad feels that you’re capable of looking after yourself now and is just paying your mum for the sake of it. Obviously, this is irrelevant as he owes her the money and should be happy to pay it to help you through college but he probably thinks with his other kids that he has bigger problems.I doubt it’s as simple as he doesn’t care about you as much or at least I would hope not.

I think you need to understand that your father’s behaviour is no reflection on you at all. Whether or not you’re perfect, he’s your dad and should act like one. Perhaps accept that he’s most likely always going to disappoint you because he doesn’t know how to step up. It sounds like you have a great step dad though who appreciates you.

Post # 5
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh hon, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve that.

And yes, even as an adult, there can be painful echoes of a childhood divorce. My parents divorced when I was 7, and they handled it very amicably; in most ways it was an “ideal” divorce. But in my 20s I learned some things about how my dad had behaved when he was ending the marriage, and I learned them because he was doing the same things to my stepmom, who has been in my life for 20+ years.  So it all came out.

It really made it hard for me to look at my dad the same way, and I wasn’t even the one he was treating badly!! So I can only imagine how bad it must be to feel like your dad is putting you 2nd, instead of 1st. 

The same thing happened with one of my close friends – her parents divorced (nasty) when she was a teen, and when he remarried the woman he’d been having an affair wtih, he basically stopped being a dad to his two daughters from his first marriage.  It was horrible to watch. Any parent who can do that deserves a special place in hell.

I don’t have any advice, really, but I just wanted to say that no, you are not alone.  πŸ™ Big hugs!!!!!  You will get through!!!

Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@kkish3:  My mom’s done 2 divorces as well, and is working on her third. She got divorced from my biological father when I was 3, and then there have been a parade of stepdads. I’m 22, and I definitely still get upset from time to time. I have a really hard time feeling loved, and I feel worthless a lot of the time. It’s super difficult. I can’t tell you how to fix it, because I don’t know myself, but I can tell you you’re not alone. I’m glad you have a support system, rely on them, and remember, there are lots of girls out here who feel just like you. You’re not weak, and you ARE loved. Don’t forget that.

Post # 8
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I could have written the part of your post about your biological father. My parents have had court battles over child support and he continues to blame my mother for his troubles because he didn’t pay while I was growing up. My situation is further complicated by other things, but I can offer some advice. First, you have to realize that parents are not all-knowing perfect people. Your father’s issues are with himself, not you. You are perfect the way you are and your parents should love you for who you are. You father may love you, as I believe mine does, but he is flawed (as is everyone, but his flaws directly impact how you view yourself). Don’t feel bad about who you are — ever, ever, ever, ever. I just can’t stress that enough. Secondly, money doesn’t reflect love. I think my father has a “I don’t owe any money because you are an adult now” belief, forgetting that it took money to raise me that he never gave. Focus on the people who love you for who you are because they are the ones that truly matter and will support you into the future. You mother, step-father and, I assume your, FI. I eventually had to cut off contact with my father because that is what was right for me. I am blessed to have amazing family who love and support me and make me feel valued and cared for. My father did not, and, after long consideration and some counseling, I decided it was best to not have him in my life. I’m not saying this is right for you, but you and your furture with your husband are the priorities now. Find worth and value in that — not in your father’s issues. Hugs!

Post # 9
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@kkish3:  I’m sorry you’re going through this hun. The best advice I can give you is that blood is not always thicker than water. The family you get to pick is often better for you emotionally and mentally than the one you get stuck in and however BioDad acts has no reflection on you as a person. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. Big Hugs to you.

Post # 12
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

That must hurt.

My mom and father split up a years ago, and it made me so glad.  He was just not a good partner for her and he sucked as a father as well.  He had quiet a few girlfriends/bootycalls but one got pretty serious and they had a sone together.  When i found out years later that he was paying for this son to go to private school but could barely support us with our basic needs, it made me a little angry.  I am over it now and  I have come to the realization that he is not a bad person (I have trie to forgive him for a lot), he is just not father material.  

Post # 13
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

OP, I’m so sorry to hear of your story.  While I can’t relate in the sense of my parent’s being divorced, I can relate on the fact that my FI is a teacher.  He sees this type of situation many times over his teaching career thus far.  Not trying to generalize all children from divorced families by any means, but he has had so many “turn to him” for that “father-like” (male) support/advice/role model over the years that he can almost tell *most* of his students’ home situations within the first few weeks of classes starting.  I don’t think you are over reacting and it’s sad that people such as your dad don’t realize the impact his hurtful words and actions have placed on you.  However, it sounds like you have an amazing step-father and hopefully you can focus on him and his love for you.  Hang in there and remember that it is not your fault and unfortunately not something you can really change or “fix”. 

Post # 14
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Something I learned a long time ago is that you can’t change ppl. Nothing you do is gona change the person your dad is. Consider yourself lucky to have a stepdad to fill those shoes your bio dad isn’t. It’s time to put him out of your mind and realize how lucky you are to have a loving mother and father figure in your life. It sucks, but you know, some ppl would kill for a father figure of any sort. Count your blessings. Next time he tries to make a scene, just remember how amazing your life is.

Post # 15
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I just wanted to say I’m sorry your biological father is being so hurtful…but it’s awesome you have such an amazing and supportive stepfather!

Post # 16
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@kkish3:  so if this gets worse I might talk to my family therapist about it because I haven’t talked about it with her before.

I think this is a great idea.

Also, I never heard that felons can’t make over a certain amount of money? I know that it can be extremely hard to *get* a job with a record (I worked in a homeless shelter for a year, and I saw so many people who were homeless because they couldn’t get hired after a non-violent felony, it was really disturbing). But I never knew there was an earnings cap. Why is that? Are wages garnished to pay the state for the cost of imprisonment or something?

The topic ‘Need some support bees (sorry, sort of long) :(’ is closed to new replies.

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