Need support- handling comments after miscarriage

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s been 4 months since my MC and it’s still hard (and I’m pregnant again – 6w5d). It’s hard. It will be hard. I was supposed to be due in April, and have quite a few friends due then. I know it wil be hard When we get there. I think its hard for a while. It does get less “raw”, but it’s hard. 

Las for telling people, that’s up to you and how close you are to those people. I did find that when I told people, a lot of them had been in that situation themselves at some point. Seriously, I told like 10 people – 8 of them then told me they’d also had a MC. 

Post # 4
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

I would just leave 🙁 . When I had my miscarriage I was 19 weeks so my family knew. Whenever they would talk about it even to say “its not your fault” I would start sobbing. Baby commercials, anything baby related would make me break down. It’s been a year and it still hurts just typing this & remembering but it doesn’t hurt like it used to. That’s why i say to just hide/ avoid these situations since this just happened. But everyone deals with situations differently, if talking about it will make you feel even just a bit betrer than do so. I’m sorry for your loss 🙁

Post # 5
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t bring it up in the first few minutes of talking with somone. but if we’ve been talking for a few minutes and they ask when i plan on having kids or if I want kids or why I’m not pregnant, etc, i just say “I had a miscarriage in June”. Usually they follow up with “I’m sorry” or “well it happened for a Reason and you’ll have a baby when the time is right” which makes me want to punch them in the throat but I digress. 

I think being honest and open about it will hopefully help people be more aware And less likely to make hurtful, albeit well-intentioned, comments. 

Post # 6
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@AvantLaLettre:  I haven’t experienced a MC but I just wanted to say i’m so sorry for what you’re going through 🙁 I hope your story has an exceptionally happy ending.

I think if you feel comfortable talking about it, do. If you don’t, don’t. I once heard an interview with a psychologist where she talked about women who were more open about their miscarriages found it easier to deal with. But it’s very personal and you should do what makes you feel comfortable

Post # 8
Member
2174 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

So sorry to hear. I wish I had advice to share, but I’m really just following for my own use… Having a D&E tomorrow at 21w for fatal NT defects. Being visibly pregnant and having people know and ask questions about me and the baby has been devastating. I’m struggling with coping on a daily basis and would welcome tips myself.

Good luck to you, OP. I hope you have a relaxing holiday… And if you need to no be around people, so be it. Whatever you need to get by.

Post # 10
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AvantLaLettre:  I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I had a a MC super early ( not sure how far along i was as I wasn’t ttc, but I am sure I wasn’t more than 8 weeks or so)  I didn’t really tell anyone and to this day it is not something i like to bring up. its hard, but perhaps if you open up about it you will find a lot more support, especially since many women experience MCs. 

 

Also for the ‘ it happens for a reason’ comments..while it is something I would never say to anyone…for me it was kind of relevant, made me feel better about my situation…so while they -(may not be nice to hear for a lot of people, some people may find them comforting (just another perspective) even while it shouldnt be said, they likely aren’t trying to hurt you. 🙁

Post # 11
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AvantLaLettre:  I know. Seriously, if someone’s four-year-old dies (or any age for that matter) it would never be acceptable to say “it happened for a reason” . in fact I think justifiable homicide could be pleaded. But people think that it’s ok to say things like This. 

Thats why I don’t feel remorse in making people uncomfortable by telling them the truth. 

i can say it won’t be easy and you might cry, I did, but it is completely alright to feel the way you are feeling.  I’m so so sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry we all are part of this dreadful club. 

Post # 12
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry to see you going through this 🙁 I only told a few people when I was pregnant and previously miscarried, but really it was hard on both sides. My mom, sister and cousin that I told know me well enough to know I hate talking about any sort of serious issue I might be having. I was able to tell them once and they didn’t press me about it again which I was so grateful for. My two close friends that I told were a different story – they both talk about their problems in life all of the time so I think they figured I would too. It was very difficult because after the miscarriage they would ask me, sometimes every single month like clockwork, if I had any “baby updates”. I tried subtly saying for a long time “No, nothing, I’ll let you know if there is” but after it was taking us so long to conceive again they finally got the picture that it wasn’t happening – neither one of them had even tried to have a baby before so I chalked it up to them just not getting it. As for the people I didn’t tell about it, like my in laws, it was still hard because whenever they would make comments about when would we be starting a family and blah blah blah it was hard to not speak up because little did they know we had been trying for years. Maybe if I had spoken up they would have known to leave it alone, or it could have been the opposite and they could have been overly concerned – I just opted not to say anything because I couldn’t handle talking about what had actually happened with so many people. 

I wish I had the perfect advice to share, but the truth is that people seem so clueless when it comes to these types of things. What they think is encouragement only feels like unsolicited advice and you know they mean well so you feel like a jerk cutting them off with it. Looking back I wish I had spoken up to my two girlfriends for sure, so if someone continually mentions it to you please don’t be afraid to tell them to drop it. I listened to it all just silently hoping that it would click in their heads that I never have been one to sit there and talk in detail about personal issues, but I think people tend to just do what they think they would want. Probably it is only until they may go through it that they realize this is a totally different feeling than any other life problem. 

I hope you start to feel a little lighter sooner than later. Either way though just don’t feel ashamed or nervous about being the way that you need to be. Seriously, you are strong for holding it together around all of those pregnant women. I felt like when I miscarried I was bombarded with noticing other peoples’ pregnancies and it made me a wreck. Especially with facebook, its like I should have just temporarily blocked those people but I couldn’t look away from it at the same time – this one girl I knew was due a week after I was due so it was torture watching it all on facebook because I knew it was right where I would be. *hugs* Again, I’m so sorry for your loss, you were so very sweet back about me going through mine and I really appreciated it. 

Post # 13
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@AvantLaLettre:  Oh wow!! You poor thing! I’m innthr same boat (D&C two weeks ago). Tbh I haven’t really come out of hiding yet!! I didn’t go to Christmas party at the weekend but I am going to one this week. I’ve told a few people so they’re going to be the people I plan tosurround myself with. I also have lots of pregnant friends. I think I’m going to avoid them in person until I’m stronger. My friend had a baby last week and I bawled when I saw the pic on fb. That madekne realise that I’m not ready for certain things. 

Definitely take a step back until you’re stronger. You’re still very bruised. Give yourself time and don’t be hard on yourself. Still go ou. But be selective about with who. And don’t feel guilty aboUt saying no to invites. I’m not going to my aunts over Christmas because Im not ready for all those people and all the questions!!!

Post # 14
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this.  After my miscarriage, I struggled with whether I should just tell people what had happened to stop the questions, or silently suffer through and hope they stopped.  I ended up keeping it quiet, our immediate families know what happened and 2 of my best friends and my manager at work because i needed time off but that’s it.  I hated the well-meaning comments some people would say too.  I completely agree with a PP who mentioned that if someone lost a young child no one would ever dare say something like that so i hate that they think it’s acceptable in this situation.  For now, I would recommend trying to avoid the people and situations as much as you can.  If you need to just leave, go for it! It does get easier to handle as time goes on but there will always be certain comments in the future that may bring up those painful memories again.  I got pregnant again after my miscarriage, so I’m 34 weeks now.  Just last week i was out to dinner with my SIL and I was trying to find something on the menu I could eat while pregnant (no deli meat, no soft cheese, etc) and most of the things didn’t work.  She said just wait til you have your next child, you won’t be nearly as paranoid about this stuff then and will eat whatever you want.  I wanted so badly to say to her that since i know how much it hurts to lose a child I really doubt I would ever chance something like that during pregnancy as it’s just not worth it to me but I kept my mouth shut.  I hope you are able to get to a place soon where the comments don’t hurt as much and that perhaps the comments will stop altogether.  In the meantime though, do what’s best for you and don’t worry about what others think.  I’ll be thinking about you.

Post # 15
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@AvantLaLettre:  Someone asked me this morning if I had any news because I wasn’t out last week for the Christmas party! I didn’t let it bother me as she really doesn’t have pregnant friends and doesn’t have a clue. All well meaning and she will learn!!! People don’t have a clue in thesesituations and often say the wrong thing (I’ve discovered) but its all well meaning!!!

 

Post # 16
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I hear you. Those comments were annoying before I was ever pregnant, but they really sucked after a miscarriage. I did say to one person, “you know you’re never supposed to say that, right?” I mean, you can only take so much.

We’re spending Christmas with my husband’s family and I don’t think I can handle the million “so, no baby yet?” comments that his family loves to throw our way. His sister just had a baby, too, so there’ll also be nonstop “it’s baby’s first Christmas!” to rub in the salt that much more. BLERGH. 

As for useful advice, just smile and nod and walk away. And if they keep talking about baby stuff, excuse yourself. You don’t owe it to anyone to make yourself uncomfortable. At times like these it’s okay to be a little selfish. 

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