Post # 1
Fiance and I recently moved out of his mothers house (thank god!) and into our own home. I am 19, and have lived out of home for the last two years as I like to take care of myself, Fiance is 28 and has moved out with friends for a while but was back at home until recently, and when he was living with his mum she was doing ALL the housework.
Now we are LOVING having our own space, but I feel like the housework is a massive burden that I am left with. Fiance will mow the lawn and take the rubbish out but thats about it, unless I nag. He works long hours and is always tired, but I work the same hours and have more travel time then he does, so I don’t think its a valid excuse.
Anyway, last night Fiance made dinner (this happens maybe once a week, and only if I ask) and he uses every bloody pot in the kitchen and splatters mess everywhere. He doesn’t clean anything up. No wiping over the bench, no rinsing dishes, no washing dishes. Nothing. I cook dinner most nights, clean up, do the washing, do the groceries, clean the bathroom etc. The only ‘job’ he has is to mop and vaccum our small house once a week, and when I remind him to do it he gets the shits and acts like its a huge job!
This morning he took the rubbish out after I asked him to, but didn’t replace the bag in the bin and when I asked him to, it was a huge inconvenience that required lots of sighing and ‘fine’s. Then when I went into the bathroom, he had used all the toliet paper and not replaced the roll. I know its only small but it really pisses me off!
How do I get him to clean up after himself?? Love him to death but I’m gonna kill him if he doesn’t start pulling his own weight around the house. Its becoming the biggest thing we fight about as he doesn’t see how it is unfair and just thinks I’m a nag 🙁
Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
Ive read lots and lots of marriage advice and one of the major things is before marriage sit down and AGREE on a schedule or list of chores. Both agree on it and even if you have to sign it. Put it on the fridge. Display it. When one person isnt doing their end of the bargain you have the contract that you BOTH agreed on. You could make it fun…. say when another person has to do a chore that is the others job the person who defaulted has to put a dollar in a piggy bank. Then you can both go out and have a date night with the cash youve saved!
Post # 4
@MrsMagillToBe: I do think a lot of the problem is he hasnt been made accountable his whole life to do it, since his mom took care of it all. He probably doesnt even see the mess he leaves behind. I would also suggest to assign the chores that each person does best so that you dont get irritated and re do the cleaning after he does it!
Post # 5
Hahahaha I had this exact problem when I moved in with my Fiance years ago. He had been living in a situation where he wasn’t expected to do any housework at all for a long time. It’s not that he didn’t want to do it – he just had never developed the habits of a decent housekeeper. So I had to train him. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that he’s not being a slacker on purpose, he probably just has no clue about 90% of the things he’s not doing or doing wrong. E.g. not putting a bin bag in the bin after emptying it – I must have said 100 times in a nice tone, “Could you put a new bag in the bin?” It takes time for people to learn and develop new habits.
The most important part, I think, is for it to be collaborative; you’re helping him learn new habits, not nagging or criticizing him. It also helps to draw up an exhaustive list of all the chores that need to be done daily/weekly/monthly so he can see how much work needs to get done, and then split them up. That way he can see exactly what he needs to do, and if he forgets, you nicely remind him. And you’ll have to nicely remind him for way, way longer than you think you should. Old dogs, new tricks.
Post # 6
if you figure out a way tell me…
Post # 7
Hahaha, you are so not alone 🙂 I always wonder if it’s because mothers like to baby their sons and do everything for them?? And I wonder, if I ever have a son, what will I teach him about stuff like this?
In our house, FH doesn’t do the same amount of housework as me. I have to nag him quite a bit, (but only once per chore), sometimes if I get overwhelmed I will let rip, then he feels guilty LOL.
And I always refuse to take the rubbish to the bin (i really can’t stand it) so I always ask him to do that.
As for cooking we have an agreement that we will take turns, because it’s only fair (when we both work full time, it isn’t fair if one is cooking every night after a big day at work).
Post # 8
Cleaning – I agree with nl, do the jobs you’re both best at, maybe at the same time each wknd so you’re not doing it while he’s sitting around relaxing. One of you could clean the bathroom while the other dusts and vacuums the house? Could work 🙂
With the cooking – my fiance and I do the shopping together every weekend, and plan out 3 meals each, buy the stuff, alternate and whoever doesn’t cook each night does the washing up. Lived together for 5 years now and never had an arguement about it. And then we go out somewhere for dinner and drinks on Friday or Saturday night for a break. Maybe something like that could work for you?
(My fiance is a MUCH better cook since we started doing this too – bonus!)
Post # 9
We have a bit of a weird situation. We’re living in my Mom’s basement, but we don’t have our kitchen done yet. My Mom takes on lots of chores around the house too. I definitely do more than he does, but I am a student and home more often. He often initiates cleaning our bedroom, which we clean equally (sometimes he does more). I often clean the laundry, but we fold/hang our own stuff. At times, I get fed up doing his laundry, so I’ll stop doing his and just do mine! It totally works haha
Since I am home early during the day and he sometimes comes home late, I do more cooking, but he’ll do some if he’s off early. He doesn’t do many dishes.
He is more than willing to do chores if asked, but he’s fully admited to “just not thinking about it” which bothers me, but atleast he’s willing. I hope as pp said, he starts to take routine. There are some things he’s adopted (like cleaning up his face hair in the sink)
We’re renovating our basement and he’s taken about 75% of the work into it, so I have to consider that’s lots of work too.
I hope you figure something out! Maybe go on strike?
Post # 10
Good luck! and if you find out tell me please!
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
chore chart or very specific division of labor is the only way to do it. Tell him this is serious business to you and you WILL NOT marry him unless its figured out. (And mean it.) Trust me, it can only get worse unless its resolved.
But honestly, the toilet paper is a lost cause. Just accept that as part of your half. I am 30.5 years old and have never known a man who replaces it. My Fiance is great at cooking and cleaning (now), but our toilet paper dispenser would never get used again without me.
Post # 12
@lolot:No, I refuse to believe that I can’t train him to replace the toliet paper lol!
Took me 2 weeks to get him to put the seat down and he remembers every time now 🙂
I think not marrying him because of chores is a bit excessive, I’m not going to threaten him with that, our relationship is worth more then that.
I just made up a list with everything from washing to wiping down the bathroom sink everyday.. With how often it has to be done and who will do it.
I will show him tonight and let you know how he takes it!
Post # 13
@MrsMagillToBe: When I first moved in with Fiance I wasnt used to the whole seat up thing either. I lived with my dad and he always put it down lol. But I figured that if he has to put it up, then I guess i can put it down. Its not an issue for me. What will be an issue though is if we have a dog, he needs to learn to put the seat and lid down because I close it for my pup who is still at home with my dad. I wouldnt want her drinking out of the toilet and getting chemicals in her system. So im ok with it but will complain about it for my furry baby lol!
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@MrsMagillToBe: OK I hear ya. I just meant, from my own perspective, having lived with my Fiance for a long time now (~8 years) – this stuff is actually a HUGE deal. So it’s really important to get it worked out as you’re committing to each other for the long term.
TRUST ME, it sucks major ass to fight about chores/cleanliness every day or to be resentful of chores/cleanliness every day. I do not exaggerate when I say that this is has been one of our most difficult challenges – and this is with a very enlightened, 21st century guy who loves to cook and be helpful around the house (but is often unaware of the actual messes around him). And a girl who is pretty lazy and nonchalan about cleanliness and housework.
What works for us is to have general duties – the chore chart turned out to feel too juvenile and mom-lecturing. Instead, he is in charge of most of the cooking and kitchen cleaning, but I will help here and there. I am in charge of picking up the house, doing the laundry / putting away clothes, and usually most of the heavy-duty cleaning – but he will help if I ask nicely. We cut each other slack when somebody doesn’t do their basic maintenance stuff for a couple days, but we gently remind each other after that. (Actually that’s a lie, he doesn’t notice when I slack, haha.)
It can be annoying and easy to get resentful when they fuck things up time after time, but just try to kindly and gently remind him about the stuff he forgets – “Sweetie, thanks for taking out the trash! Can you please replace the bag too?” Like @geekspice: said, it’s about helping him form new patterns rather than nagging / punishing. (Not that you’re doing that! But it’s easy to fall into that habit.)
Anyway, I hope this novel about chores is helpful!
Post # 15
And if you can afford it, hire a weekly cleaner. Many relationships have been saved by this simple act of spending $100/week.
Post # 16
Oh god… We have the opposite problem. I am no slob but I haaate cleaning up and I have to wait until I’m ready to do chores. I had a clean apt when I lived on my own, did dishes every night by hand, did my laundry, etc… Now with FH, who I’ve been living with for over 3yrs, has to have every chore done at once.
We used to argue about it a lot because I work less than he does but he ends up doing most of the chores. We tried chore lists but that didn’t work because he is too impatient. We resolved it by just coming to terms with that he will do more housework than me sometimes. I feel super guilty about it but it’s better for him to just sweep the floor instead of arguing with me to do it. I do offer to help when I see him cleaning, and sometimes he even accepts help!
I do chores when i feel like cleaning which is a lot more than you would think and I cook every meal except breakfast.
Ps it took me like 10 minutes to post this bcs I’m on my phone… Weddingbee on an iPhone is facking impossible…