Post # 1
Regular bee going anon.
My husband and I have been together for almost four years.Up until I’d say the beggining of this year we had a very satisfying sex life. A few hiccups here and there about frequency or creativity but nothing that couldn’t be solved and definitely not something to give more thought, it was healthy and fun.
This year has been REALLY slow. At first, we simply decreased the frequency of our encounters. I attributed this to our busy schedules. Then a month went by without having sex. I think this is terribly long. We never talked about it. I was determined to not let it get over 5 weeks so I made an effort and we did it, and it was good.
Then another 4 weeks. I made a reservation at a nearby nice hotel. We had bad sex. It really hurt me as I don’t lubricate well and we didn’t bring lube and we had to stop. (I thought he would, along with condoms).
Then, another month. Sex at home which was good but not great. Then I stopped counting. This was probably about 6 weeks ago and we haven’t had any sex!!
I have never, not in a million years, thought I’d be in this situation. I feel like the last few times I was the one who took the initiative and that’s why I don’t do it anymore. I go to bed many nights hopeful that THAT is going to be the night, shaved, nice underwear, etc, and nothing happens.
I need actual, real life, tips to recover our sex life. I’m not willing to try therapy yet because we haven’t made an effort to solve it at home. I know that if I ask why he doesn’t initiate he’ll say that I don’t do it either. What to do, bees?
Post # 3
@myotherme: You need to really talk to him about it. Don’t get in an arguement about who doesn’t initiate. Say “We haven’t been having sex that often and it makes me sad. I want to rekindle our sex life. What can we do?” rather than “Why don’t you initiate sex?”. No one is at fault– as a couple something has changed and as a couple you can work on it.
Post # 4
@myotherme: Start initiating sex more often and see if he responds?
Post # 5
I think you HAVE to talk to him! I mean you don’t want to resent him and you never know if there is a deeper issue. Plus, you married the guy so you know and love him dearly- talk to him. You will feel so much better than you do now waiting around.
Post # 7
You need to talk to him. I don’t think you need a sex therapist or anything, but I think communicating with your partner and figuring out why your sex life is declining and what you can do to fix it is going to be your golden ticket.
Post # 8
@myotherme: We are going through that issue now with school and work taking up practically all of our time. The hotel thing sounds like a good idea and probably would have worked if you both were prepared. I think that would be good to try again but to make sure everything is good.
Post # 9
I agree with the talking.
Also, (admittedly, I read this in the huffpo awhile ago), I think making a plan of when to have sex can be helpful. It might make sex sound routine and mundane, but it can also heighten anticipation, make you want to get all prepared for it and such (like a first date!). Maybe sitting down with your husband and making dates, starting at just 1-2 times a week and moving from there, might help to get you back on track?
I wouldn’t be worried too much, I think this happens, people go through dry spells. I think making a real commitment, the both of you, to make time for intimacy can help you guys get passed it.
Edited for typos
Post # 10
@giru618: i love the idea of making dates!
Post # 11
I also agree with the talking–what if something is bothering him?
Otherwise-I am (i think) much older than the average cosmopolitan reader but I do subscribe because there are helpful sex tips in there every issue. (I mean, for 1.99 on my nook you can’t really go wrong lol)
Switch it up. Sexy outfits, putting porn on in the background, go to a place like spencers for fun lube, and sex games, sex coupons. Maybe just letting loose for a night…like taking a shot of some tequila/vodka/rum may help loosen you up, roll some sex dice, and practice licking/stroking whatever.
Yes, some of it IS cheesy…but it’ll get you started even if you don’t follow through.
I don’t want to be all up in your business….Is impotence a possible issue? Does he maybe need to go to a doc and he’s embarrassed? If so, you want to create a safe environment where you can help him through this and not embarrass him/pressure him further, which is why maybe talking is a good thing.
I also hate to give waiting bee advice-But, well, maybe a hair cut is in order? Some high lights? Some new low cut blouses or something? My point is to switch it up a bit, maybe things are too routine.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this-good luck!
Post # 12
me and fh go through this sometimes and usually fh always says he’s tired but we definitely talk about it when I start feeling like we haven’t had it in a while. He might not even realize that it’s bothering you so you have to speak up and I agree with the above…try to spice things up Im actually working on that now…I get little outfits to entertain him and have been thinking about going to a pole dancing class so I can learn some new sexy moves. And we also make plans to have sex I always thought it was a bad thing since we don’t have kids lol but we are both busy and it gives us something to look forward to
Post # 13
Our sex life has taken a major dive in the past several months for a combination of reasons. At first I was going through some mental health problems and adjusting to a medication routine, so we put our sex life on hold until I leveled out. Then things at FI’s job got super stressful, he’s essentially in an abusive relationship with his boss. Couple both of those with almost opposite schedules and FI working 60-70 hours a week coming home exhausted from 10, 12, and even 16 hour shifts and sex was just not happening. We went more than 2 months with out doing it. I realized when we did start having sex again I was always initiating. The huge amount of pressure and stress FI is under at work has completely killed his libido. We had a calm talk about this and we both know what is going on. I told him that it would be nice for him to initiate, but there’s no pressure. We have sex when we feel up to it and if no one finishes, oh well at least we had fun. Since we had our talk and I tried to take the pressure off (I had been mentioning every few days, ‘hey, we should have sex’)of him we have been having sex every 2 or 3 weeks. It is not as much as before, but it is enough.
I think you need to sit down with your husband and find out what is going on in his head and why your sex life is the way it is. Then figure out what you can do as a couple to make things better.
Post # 14
I don’t think condoms are generally associated with serious relationships and marriages. Plus, they are a huge mood-killer. Would it be possible to take the condoms out of the equation?
Also, is he on any medication that may affect his sex drive? A lot of antidepressants have that impact.
Post # 15
Can you give a little more details on when you go to bed in nice underwear, shaved etc….DO you just lay down next to him or you are trying to initiate something? I mean if you don’t try to initiate..your underwear might be completely useless…some men are “blind”..
Second thing..try to really initiate..if you go to bed in your nice underwear..tell him something like”Baby look what I have for you” 😀 or “do you want me to show you somethign?”…or just turn to him..start kissing him…touching him etc..make couple of sexual jokes here and there..Also, you can give him massages..or smth. After you try all that…see how it goes..maybe he will respond well and there will be no need for uncomfortable conversation..
Third thing, if he doesn’t respond go and talk to him..Use “I” statements…I feel like..because this happens etc. DOn’t say you do this and don’t do that.
And finally, for me sex is an amazing thing..I noticed that more sex I have more sex I want..I discussed it with my FI and he thinks the same..Sometimes when we take a break from sex..mostly because my FI travels..we need some time to get our sex life back on track..Usually we have sex 5-7 times a week. My point is..that even on the days when you don’t feel like having sex, because you are tired..you have to push yourself and it will be great in the end..And also it is important to work on your sex life (like on any other aspect of your relationships)..
Post # 16
@CorvusCorax: To each his own.
OP, sounds like there’s something really psychological going on here. He may not even be aware of it. Talking is a good place to start.