- 4 years ago
Just a warning- this might be a long one. It’s been a while since I have been on here, but I’m passively stressing out about my current situation and feel the need to vent.
So here’s the background in a nutshell: boyfriend and I met last July in DC. I had just moved here for a one year internship, he had already been here for about 6 months for a job. We both knew that DC was temporary for each of us. I’m from St. Louis and he’s from Buffalo, and we both figured out pretty quickly that we are NOT big city people and that we both wanted to leave. He started looking for a new job pretty much immediately after we met because he couldn’t stand the one that he moved to DC for. Because of this, I tried to keep things casual because I knew I probably wanted to move back to StL after graduation, and I didn’t want to have a relationship based on the premise of asking someone I had just met to move with me. Long story short- that didn’t work. We tried, but we just couldn’t stay away from each other.
Fast forward to now (one year dating). His job is travel based, and he ended up taking a contract for less money than he wanted with a comapny that would allow him to live wherever he wanted, partially so that he could stay with me and “see how this goes.” After agonizing for a long time over the decision and with his encouragement, I made the official decision to move back to St. Louis to open my own business after graduation in August instead of getting an institutional job. I have a great opportunity to basically take over the very successful business of my now-retired former employer, who worked in the city for over 20 years. The clients and business base are already established- I just have to get space and equipment since my former boss sold his due to shutting down while I was still in school. BF was very supportive, and the majority of the “jobs” in my field are low-paying and located in bigger cities, which is exactly where I do nto want to live, so we decided to go for it and made plans to move to StL together in August.
So now we get to the thing that’s stressing me out. I mentioned that he is from Buffalo, but it’s also important to know that his ENTIRE family, ALL of his friends (he never made any in DC besides my friends because he traveled so much), and basically his entire life is in Buffalo. Oh, and did I mention he OWNS A HOUSE there? Oh, and it happens to be a beautiful house that is next door to his parents’ beautiful house, and they have this huge amazing backyard with an inground pool where they frequently have huge parties and it’s basically like paradise. So he moved back up there when his lease ran out at the end of May because he
1) hates DC
2) has a HOUSE there and didn’t want to sublet an apartment for two months when he would be traveling 75% of the time anyway (I live with my cousins, so there was no room for him to stay with us and it would have been awkward anyway)
So he moves up and I go to visit for Memorial Day Weekend and meet the whole family (I had met parents and siblings before, but this was all the cousins and grandparents, etc). Everyone is amazing. I love his family. The houses are both beautiful. And he is SO HAPPY there. Everyone in his family kept saying how great it was to see him happy, and I could see such a big change in him from those last few months of agony in his former job. Which makes me feel great, because I hated seeing him that way and I love seeing him happy. Now for the problem, though: the whole time I was there, he kept hinting “jokingly” that I could open my business there instead of St. Louis (which isn’t impossible, but would completely negate the opportunity of taking over my old boss’s business). This is not the first time he has mentioned something like this, but in the past it has been more in the vein of “maybe you could get established in StL and then branch out to Buffalo and we could do half time in each place.” This is a bit of a fantasy for my kind of work, and he knows it, but even if it was something we could do, it couldn’t happen for several years.
I had basically told him before he moved back that I was worried that he wouldn’t want to leave once he spent two month in Buffalo. I mean, he OWNS A FRICKIN HOUSE there, he’s super close with his family and friends there, and he’s never been serious enough with a girl to live together, let alone move halfway across the country with her. He knows that I am concerned about it, and told me that he thinks I have a right to be worried about it because right now he is thrilled to be home, but thinks he’ll eventually get over the current “vacation” feeling. He still says that he wants to go with me.
Now, I recognize that have trust issues from a really bad breakup with someone who told me he was going to marry me and then ended up kicking me to the curb, so I understand that a lot of this is my own stuff. But he DID agree that I should be worried. And just tonight, I was on the phone with him and he told me that he was going to get ready for bed after we had talked for only about ten minutes- but it was only 9:00. So, on top of everything else, when little things like that happen I start freaking out. Also, we aren’t going to see each other again until the end of July, because I’m trying to save as much money as possible for establishing my business. This usually isn’t a big deal because he travels and we’re frequently separated for several weeks at a time, but it bothers me that I won’t be there having fun with him. It’s like this HUGE part of his life that I’m not a part of, and that makes me feel left out and worried.
So, just to recap- we’re planning on moving to StL together after I graduate in August. He’s currently living in HIS OWN house in Buffalo (he’ll be paying half our rent and other expenses in St. Louis), having a great time with his wonderful family and friends, and hanging out in their idyllic backyard with perfect landscaping, beloved family dog, and in-ground pool. He doesn’t want to talk to me on the phone, at least not tonight. I’m worried that I’m going to make all of these plans and then we’ll get to August and he’ll realize that he really doesn’t want to leave. And the worst part is that there’s ABSOUTELY NOTHING I can do about it until then, when I find out his final decision. For now, I have to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt, but this is a difficult situation for me. I can’t really talk to him about it, because I have already done that and I don’t want to piss him off by talking about how insecure I am and sounding like I don’t trust him all the time.
Am I just being dumb and insecure? How can I deal with this and not drive myself crazy? Have any of you ever dealt with a situation like this?
Thanks for letting me vent.