(Closed) Need to vent, can't take the yelling

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Not that you deserve to be screamed at, but you did go on his phone and delete something off it. It sounds as though you’re both acting immature. 

Post # 4
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You don’t deserve to be screamed at for anything. If he’s upset, he can talk to you like a rational respectful person.

Post # 5
4722 posts
Honey bee

Just to make this clear… this was your husband, correct?

Post # 6
511 posts
Busy bee

A raised voice is an indication of anger and hostility.  Regardless of whether or not what you did is acceptable (and I’m not going to say anything about that) yelling at you anywhere is a sign of aggression. Not cool. Ever.

Post # 8
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Hmm…how to answer this… Part of me just wants to say grow the eff up to the both of you yet I also feel like I should state briefly that although his screaming was perhaps not timed appropriately that you deserved it in a sense. 

You found this video on his phone. A video you were not aware of it until you snooped around and found it. I’m assuming you made him aware of the horrid photos you took of him and honorably removed the offending materials when he asked you to. Bravo.

In this recent incident however, you, without asking or giving him the opportunity to delete the offending material took it upon yourself to discard of it without his permission or knowledge. I can understand why he’d be a little hot under the collar. You snooped, you judged and you then destroyed all without consent

I mean, for all you know, he thinks you’re cute when you snore. 

Post # 9
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Um he really shouldn’t have been taking video of you sleeping and not telling you about it.  It was a video of YOU taken without your permission.  He definitely overreacted and SHOULD NOT have screamed at you.  I can see him being annoyed that you deleted it without talking to him about it but he needs to chill.  You guys are supposed to be on the same team, right?  If he is upset with you he should be talking to you in private, not yelling and screaming in a public place.

Repeat: your husband should NOT be screaming at you.  Your fights, discussions, etc. should not be happening in front of your friends.  Regardless of the incident that starts the fight, there is no excuse for either of you to be yelling at each other.

Post # 10
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

That’s really inappropriate for him to scream at you regardless of what you did (which, of couse, I don’t think that what you did was uncalled for at all). Raising your voice at someone in that way is abusive and meant to scare you. I’m just saying this from experience with abusive people myself, its just not okay to yell like that at someone…

Post # 11
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I sounds like BOTH of you need to work on communication. If he does something that bothers you, you need to calmly explain why and let him fix it rather than just going behind his back. He should also express himself in a way that doesn’t make you uncomfortable. He clearly has different standards for communication than you do. So you rather than approaching it as his communication style (yelling) begin wrong, you should focus on how it makes you feel. For example, “I know you didn’t mean it like that, but when you did X, I felt Y”. Another thing you can do is refuse to engage when he’s yelling. Just tell him that you’ll talk about it when he can talk calmly and then walk away.

ETA: Not to get off-topic, but I wanted to provide another point of view. Yelling != abuse. Some people just have that kind of communication style and it doesn’t make them bad or abusive people. Since yelling makes you uncomfortable, you should work with your husband to learn to communicate differently, but the fact that he gets upset and yells doesn’t make him a bad guy.

Post # 12
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow, yelling is so disrespectful. This is your partner, not a stranger. He should not be yelling at you. Maybe you should have asked him if you could delete it before you did, but he had no right to yell at you. You guys need to work on communication for sure.

Post # 13
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

edited because i thought you said your friend yelled at you, not your husband.  Totally not cool. You definitely should have asked before you deleted it because that would upset me too but his response is totally not okay, especially given that it was in public!  How embarassing for the both of you!  Not that yelling is okay behind closed doors, but my word, if he’s going to yell at you in public, what is he going to do behind closed doors?!  

Post # 14
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

The yelling is worrisome, but what worries me more is his comment that that’s his family and you don’t compare? WHAT?? UM, excuse me, you ARE his family now. His circle should be you and him smack dab in the middle with no one else before you. I would seriously reconsider this marriage if I were you.

Post # 15
4722 posts
Honey bee

@MeiFrancis:  +1. I didn’t even notice that comment until you said something, but yikes! Talk about a major, major red flag. 

Post # 16
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I would disagree with the sentiment that you could deserve to be yelled at. Even if he became upset or angry, there is no reason a person cannot say, “I’m feeling upset right now because you just deleted that video and I really wanted to keep it” in a calm voice. I’m curious why you don’t want to go to therapy with him to discuss it?

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