(Closed) NEED TO VENT, FSIL is like our child

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

She needs her children taken away from her, and everything else. She needs to “hit rock bottom”. I’m sure a big reason everyones helped her so much is for the children… so you guys need to say “You’re kicked out and cut off. We’ll take care of the kids til you get on your feet and get yourself a place.”

She’s probably not as naive as she makes it seem. She sounds like one of those people that knows how to ‘work’ people using pity. This isn’t fair to you guys.

Post # 5
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

@SnowPeony: That’s what I was thinking.. she doesn’t sound naiive or dumb at all, she actually sounds quite cunning. 

I think the family needs to stop enabling her. The kids need to be taken care of for sure, but she doesn’t need to be. For example, instead of people giving her money, buy food, diapers, or specific items the kids need.

Post # 6
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

The phrase that comes to my mind is one we use often in our house.  “You don’t solve money problems with money.”  People who are chronically broke will be broke until they learn to make wise decisions.  My husbands sister is like this.  Over the course of 10 years we have given her some money (not a lot, maybe $250 total) but several years ago we vowed to stop throwing good money after bad and live by this motto.  When she asks for money now we just say that we are willing to make a budget with her or come up with ideas.

Post # 7
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

this could be touchy – blood is thicker than water and always will be. It sounds like your FI is enabling her (along with the rest of the family) and if he’s doing it now, he’ll do it after you’re married. You either need to sit him down now and say “LISTEN! We’re not supporting your sister anymore, a grown-a## woman!”. If it’s not laid out now with a plan on how to handle her, it’s only going to get worse and will weigh on your marriage.

Post # 8
Member
46160 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

A pp has already said what I was going to say- the whole family is enabling this woman. As long as someone always gives her money, or insurance etc, she has no need to become more responsible.

The only thing you can control is the response of you and your FI. Have a talk and come to a mutual decision about how you plan to respond in future.

 

Post # 9
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Yikes what a mess she is!  I say that if your fiance or his family want to help the best way to do it is by helping the kids.  Never give money.  If she needs diapers buy diapers but certianly don’t give her money for them.  People like this never change their habits.  For whatever reason they feel like the world owes them something. 

If you do want her to grow up tough love is the best option!  No help at all! 

I’m sorry you are going through this.  I know it has got to be taking it’s toll on you! 🙁

Post # 12
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I completely felt for you when I read your post.  I have a similar situation with FBIL, but not as bad as there are no kids involved.  For a year, FBIL lived with us because he could not support himself.  It was so bad, that FI actually had to wake him up in the morning just so he would get to work on time.  He wouldn’t do *anything* for himself.  It also was putting as strain on our relationship as we were paying most of his share of the rent, all of the utilities by ourselves, and all of the groceries.  I constantly told FI how much this bothered me, but he could not “cut the cord” so to speak.  However, what he wouldn’t realize was that by enabling him, he was not doing him any favors.  He is 31 years-old and had never lived on his own.  He had bounced back and forth between his parents’ house and FI’s place ever since he got out of college.

Finally it got to the point where it was so bad living with him (because he is so inconsiderate and wasn’t doing anything to help himself), that I told FI it was him moving out or me.  FBIL also went for 6 months without a job and not really looking for one.  I hate ultimatums but it was really hurting our relationship.  Long story short, FBIL finally found a job and was out by the 60 day deadline that I had FI set with him.  It was awful but we got through it.  I think you and your FI need to have a conversation about the money piece though, because you are going to get more and more upset about it through the years.  And trust me, as someone said before, throwing money at the problem definitely doesn’t help.

Post # 13
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@bobsgirl2007:  The problem is not the welfare, it’s a dangerous combo of her self-esteem being in the dumps and that everyone else “…is supporting her life.” If everyone keeps coming to her aid and she keeps getting funds and help from family members, nothing is motivating her to do anything differently. The expectation is that everyone will come to her side. While that’s sweet and generous of everyone, it’s gotta stop. Tough love, but I say it is high time she learn how to manage on her own without the constant helping hand of the family. Regarding her self-esteem, she needs someone to teach her how to care for a car, a household, herself. She needs guidance from someone who is a good example, and she needs to believe in herself and her capability as a young woman. Maybe that is how you can help her instead of monetarily.

Post # 14
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

She’s not naive, she knows what she’s doing. She doesn’t worry about a thing, because someone will swoop n and save the day,so no, she does’t have to be an adult.

She is going to neeed everyone to stop helping her so she can bust the bottom wide open, BUT it may never happen because she has a cushion- the kids.

I don’t know what to say.

Post # 15
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I had a friend like this (but she was on unemployment, and NOT looking for a job)

  You HAVE to cut her OFF!!!  What incentive do people like this have to go get a job, get off welfare, etc if poeple CONTINUE to hand over money like it’s nothing!    People like her KNOW what they are doing and do it because it’s easy….it’s easier to get the money from mommy than to work full time and budget your money.

It’s like the unemployment thing….what incentive do people on unemployment have to get a job, when it keeps getting extended for them!? 

Post # 16
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It really sucks that there are people like her out there because the few bad apples spoil the bunch in regards to welfare.  She’s not a “typical welfare mom” because not everyone woman on welfare is some manipulative loser piece of shit.  But most people seem to take an attitude like yours, and assume that she’s the standard for welfare recipients.  Oh well.

Your fiance needs to stop enabling his sister’s bad behavior, but he probably won’t.  I g uess you’ll just have to give him time to wise up to her bulshit.

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