(Closed) Need to vent – so much drama!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry!!  ((HUGS))  The hardest thing about a wedding is trying to please everyone, that’s where all the drama is!  It seems like you’ve been working so hard to please everyone and no one is seeing it.  I honestly would just take a break or tell FI to deal with it because he obviously isn’t happy with your decisions!  Put the shoe on the other foot and then he’ll see how hard it is!! 

Post # 5
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

And I’ll tell you, FI and I got in a huge fight too about the wedding planning, so don’t think its just you, it happens to a lot of us!  It’s just a hump in the road and then we all look past it! 

Post # 6
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Oh my goodness! I think it’s nice to try to please everyone (I try to do that too) but the fact of the matter is that you can’t. No matter what, you won’t make everyone happy. What’s important is that you and your FI GET MARRIED Wink

If you haven’t already, why don’t you two sit down and rank everything in order of importance. At least that will get more dialogue going. It sounds like there’s a lot of talking through to do, but you two will get there.

Best wishes to you!

Post # 7
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Calm down and take a breather.  Your FI is just as frustrated as you and is only venting.  So try not talking wedding stuff for a few days.

As for the parents I think we all experience the difference of opinions on what type of wedding they envision.  And the money thing is a big deal too for a lot of us.  I think you need to let your FI know that what you are experiencing is normal.  How you react to the experience depends on you and your family.

For example, originally we looked at very tradtional venues here in Houston.  The FI and I liked them but didn’t love them.  The parents all had different ones they liked etc.  As it turns out we went a very non-traditional route with getting married inside an airplane hangar.  His mom was a little disappointed at first for not doing a church wedding.  But now she is totally onboard.

When you have a decision to make such as the time etc,  be sure to include him and let him feel like his voice (and family’s) are being heard.  Pose him with the question next time and let him offer the solution.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh hunny that’s a tough one!  I’m sorry you’re going through so much already.  Your fiance is just stressed, try to remember that he loves you and he’s venting in his own way too.  Guys kinda suck at that part sometimes.  But he wants to marry you, he just doesn’t wanna drama!

Weddings are hard because you pretty much can not avoid upsetting someone along the way.   But this is YOUR wedding, both your parents and especially his need to remember that.  Regarding the religious issue- I still think you should do a non religious ceremony.  I think its the only way not to disrespect anyone.  His family may be very religious but not everyone is and that has to be taken into account when planning the ceremony, its not fair to include one and not all. 

I think his parents are just gonna be difficult, so let him diffuse it.  Ask him to handle them and you guys plan the wedding together. 

Post # 9
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

*HUGS*

I’m so sorry to hear that all this drama is happening right now.

First thing first – you need to sit down and talk to your fiance about where you’re coming from and the effor that you’ve clearly made to accommodate everyone. I’m sure that all this drama and emotion is upsetting your fiance too – and he likely said what he said out of frustration and not because of you.

Second thing you need to do is have a DEEP and LENGTHY discussion with your fiance about how you both need to be on the same page when it comes to decision making. You can disagree in private – but you have to show a united front to everyone else. These decisions have to be made together – so if your FIL’s are upset about something – your FI needs to stand up for the BOTH of you and vice versa.

Third thing – boundaries. From the sounds of things this isn’t and may not be an issue – but it’s so important to set up boundaries between both YOUR family and HIS family (and everyone else). Early on in our engagement we found a LOT of people over-stepping their boundaries and dictating what they would like at the wedding – at the end of the day you should do what makes YOU and your FI happy – so please don’t let anyone else dampen this special occasion for you.

Keep your chin up and keep working at it!

Post # 10
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

Oh my goodness … I am so sorry. This is an awful lot of drama for something that is supposed to be fun and wonderful.

It’s great that your FI’s parents are contributing to the wedding too … However, the problem with this is that they get a say … An equal say, since you say they are paying half. Maybe you can avoid this by dividing up what each party is paying for. Instead of “half,” say your FI’s family gets to pay for the food (since they have specific food requests anyway) and your family pays for the venue. This way, both sides can consult with eachother, but the ultimate decisions can be left to the people with the cash. That will make the parents feel better about the money they are putting in, and it will also take you and your FI out of the middle of things. The downside to this is that you won’t get as many things just the way you want them, but it doesn’t really seem like that right now anyway. It seems like the parents are running the show and you are thinking of pleasing everyone but yourself. Which every bride is guilty of … Myself included! 🙂

I think what’s most important here is to not let this come between you and your FI. My FI and I have had a few tiffs during the wedding planning process (one today actually …), but I’ve never come away from it thinking, “I don’t want to marry him.” I’ve thought, “Why didn’t we elope?” and “Is a $2,000 investment in the wedding too much to walk away from?” and “Why did I ever think these people were my friends?” But, I’ve never wanted to call off the marriage part of things.

You and your FI should sit down and have a serious heart to heart. Does he really want to call of the wedding, or is he just frustrated with all the family bickering? I don’t think he should be blaming you, though, and you should point out to him that you aren’t trying to have everything “your way” and that you are really trying to consider both families. (But you are the bride … Aren’t most wedding things supposed to be your way??? Call me crazy, but I think that’s how it is supposed to work …) I hesitate to say this, but if he is serious about calling off the wedding, is he someone you want to marry? It sounds like he’s bailing at the first signs of trouble …  Anyway, you just need to get down to the motivation behind his feelings. If he’s just lashing out because he’s frustrated, that’s something you can deal with and move forward.

Good luck! I’ll be thinking about you … This is such a hard situation! Just stay true to yourself and what’s important to you. It is, after all, supposed to be YOUR wedding.  🙂

Post # 12
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Is there a special reason why you’re planning on April?  I know it’s enough time, but I get the feeling you think you don’t have enough time to plan, thereby putting more pressure (and tension) on yourself. Can you delay a bit?  Give all the parents more time to mull decisions over?

Post # 13
Member
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Completely agree with MrsBtobe – A united front is a must. Some guys have a hard time making the switch from trying to make their Moms happy all the time to doing what’s right for you as a couple. Sounds like you guys need to have this talk. I think its also important to prioritize what is important for the two if you and stand up for those things. You can’t let your parents decide verything. This is your wedding. Good luck and I hope it gets better soon!

Post # 14
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this family drama.  I know how emotionally draining and exhausting it can be.  If it helps, it’s TOTALLY normal!!!!!!!  Otherwise level headed families all of a sudden get worked up in the most unusual ways during wedding planning.  

I think the BEST thing you could and really should do is to be on the same page with your FI.  He is having to deal with his parents and all their qualms just as you’ve been needing to deal with yours.  He’s likely as frustrated as you are, but instead of crying, he’s getting angry.

I could see how he feels you are trying to cater to your parents wishes, thus ‘changing’ everything.  I think he feels like he’s alone, which is why he’s so frustrated.  Stop talking to your parents about planning until you and he can decide what’s best for the two of you.  Then, present the proposal to your parents and don’t let them talk you out of it.

Also, not sure if you two are planning on doing any pre-marital counseling, but it could help your FI work out his frustrations about wanting to call it off.

Hang in there!!  There ARE happier planning days ahead!!  You are just in the worst part of it!!

Post # 15
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

DH and I had a Friday night wedding, but we did it on a holiday weekend so no one was working that day.  Is that a possibility for you two?  As far as the ceremony goes, what religion are you and FI?  That’s really the most important part.

I’d also recommend pre-marital counseling.  It really helped put DH and I on the same page about everything!

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