- 8 years ago
So I’ve only been engaged for a couple weeks now, and I already feel like things are falling apart with FI actually threatening to call off the whole thing. I would love to hear any advice on my situation.
FI and I are both Korean-American, and both sets of parents are Americanized in some ways and very traditional in other ways.
The whole thing started when my parents wanted to invite FI’s parents to dinner for the first meeting thing (which is a big thing in Korean culture). My parents really wanted to treat them to something nice, so they were looking at places that were nice in their mind (this Italian place in particular). My FI’s parents suggested this Asian place, but my mom didn’t like it completely saying the atmosphere wasn’t as nice. So she kept looking elsewhere. Then FI got made saying my parents were trying to control everything and stating that his parents didn’t even like non-Asian cuisine. So I told my mom that, and she started to look at some Asian places, and eventually we decided on a nice place.
So finally we’re at this dinner, and of course we start talking about the wedding. Earlier that day, FI and I had gone to Long Island to look at venues. Both our families are from NJ, and although we were thinking about NJ venues at first, the NJ ones were a little too expensive for our budget. Also, my parents had been to a wedding in LI that they (and other guests) really enjoyed, so they recommended that we check it out. So we did check out that place as well as a few other ones on LI, trying to find places still open for April (which isn’t too far away!).
Of all the places we did see, we really liked the venue my parents suggested. So we showed FI’s parents the pictures, and they seemed to like it as well. So we decided on a venue.
Then we started talking about times, and it was between late Fri evening and Sat afternoon because those were the times the venue gave us. FI and I wanted the Fri evening, my parents said either one was fine, but FI’s parents really didn’t like the idea of Fri night saying that all their guests would have trouble commuting (about a 1 hr drive). So we just said Sat afternoon for now, and we put the deposit down thinking we could change if something else better came along.
The third main issue was religion – FI’s family is Christian, and my parents (but mainly my mom) are Buddhist. I knew this was going to be a big issue, and when it came up during the dinner it WAS. FI’s parents insisted on having a Christian ceremony with a pastor while my parents felt it would be more fair to have a non-religious ceremony respecting both parties. Then FI and brought up the idea of an interfaith ceremony, and FI’s parents hated the idea. So later on, I convinced my parents to have a pastor who would be able to work with us on the content but still respect FI’s families wishes about having scriptures and prayers in the ceremony. And there would be no mention of any Buddhist anything.
So a few days after, my parents called me saying that they’ve been talking to their friends, and because so many of them are self-employed in stores, it would be really inconvenient for them to attend a Sat afternoon wedding. At the same time, I couldn’t get over the idea of an afternoon wedding because I had always dreamed of an evening one! So FI asks his parents if Fri night was ok given these new circumstances, and they said no – their guests would have trouble commuting after work. So then I suggested Sat evening, and even though it would be more expensive, my parents said they could pay for the difference.
I thought Sat evening would be the best compromise, since BOTH our parents’ guests could comfortably attend. But FI got really mad at me, saying I kept disrepecting his parents wishes. He insists that I’ve been doing everything the way I and my parents want, and he wants me to stop bringing up all these new times. He also thinks I’m being selfish and not compromising. FI’s parents are mad at my parents for deciding on a venue (which they really never did, they just recommended it). And they’re now mad that we want to switch the time of the wedding.
FI’s so angry to the point that he says he’d rather call the whole thing off, and that if I want everything my way, I could go do it with someone else.
I’ve been crying everyday for the past few days trying to accommodate FI’s parents, my parents, and FI. And now I feel like I don’t even have his support.
Any advice? What things could I be doing differently to make things better? I seriously think I might start to get depressed if things continue this way (if the engagement even lasts.) And we’ve been together almost 6 years!
Sorry for the unacceptably long rant – I really needed to vent!