Post # 1
I am so hurt and not sure how to proceed. I just got this email and it made me cry! Granted I am unbelievably stressed and sleep deprived so I am a bit emotional…
My bridesmaid S is my oldest friend, our moms are BFFs, she’s 4.5 yrs older, and is like my big sis. I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding, over my birthday weekend, in my hometown where I no longer live. I flew in for as long as she needed me, helped with last minute stuff, and attended every event, including on the day of my birthday (naturally, I’m a friend). Obviously I would have liked to spend time with lots of people while home, but it was her wedding so I was wherever she needed me to be.
Fast forward 5 years and it’s my wedding. She was 6 mths preg when we got engaged and we had a longer engagement than we wanted for her sake – wanted to get married when her baby was 3 months, waited til 6 months instead, I can’t say I understand the difference. I asked my BMs to be in the wedding with a handmade mini-scrapbook, which took time. Before she got hers, she freaked out to her mom about how upset she was that she thought I wasn’t asking her. So then she’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man, 700 miles away, and a brand new mom – obviously I don’t expect her to help or travel to showers, and she and her mom did throw me a small shower in her mom’s house. She is extremely unresponsive to all forms of communication (to everyone not just me) – never answers the phone or calls back, texts back a week later, hardly emails back but sends dumb forwards all the time. She is missing the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner because she didn’t want to fly out with her mom, she waited for her brother who is not taking off work so he is flying a day later. She is missing my bridesmaid sleepover the night before because she has dinner plans with an old friend, AND because in her words she doesn’t know any of my bridesmaids or groom’s sisters so we would have more fun without her. FYI – I became friends with her husband’s sisters after meeting them at their wedding, and she knows this!! Then the next morning she is going to brunch with more old friends and says she will be back right in time to head off with the photographer for pre-ceremony pics. FYI her baby and husband will NOT be traveling here so it’s not like she is spending that time taking care of her baby.
I am SO HURT!!! I asked her to be a bridesmaid because I want her to be part of my wedding, not just standing next to me after a quick hello… I understand her wanting to see old friends, and I am fine with it, but to not even say she would swing by and meet everyone later? WTH??!! Why would she throw an emotional fit when she thought I wasn’t going to ask her, only to fly into town and completely ignore me until right before my wedding?!
Post # 3
Try and talk to her. She is probably stressed with a new baby, not sleeping through the night and such. i know you are stressed too, but remember that she is still your friend through it all. Maybe you should send her an email asking to set up a time to talk or something and then get some rest. Dont over extend yourself 4 days before your wedding. SLEEP!!!
Post # 4
That’s really crappy of your Bridesmaid or Best Man. I’m not a mom, so I don’t understand what it’s like to have a child, but I can imagine she’s pretty busy. But at the same time, like you pointed out, she’ll be at your wedding without her baby, so she really should be putting in more of an effort to spend time with you, especially on your wedding day!
Unfortunately, you really find out who your friends are when you plan a wedding, and often, it leads to broken relationships. My Fiance lost two really good friends during the process after they did a complete personality 180 when we got engaged and asked them to be in the wedding. The good side? Now you know who you can count on 🙂
At this point, you should probably keep this girl in the wedding (I’m assuming you planned on it). And just, I don’t know, put up with her? I think what will change is after the wedding – I get the feeling you won’t want to put that much into the friendship because you know it’s usually one-sided.
Post # 5
I think if the friendship is worth saving, you hav to be honest with her- mainly about the weekend during the wedding. The at-home life with the baby can be really busy and unpredicable so cut her slack for that. Talk to her (when you’re calm and focusing on how the situation hurts you – don’t attack her or call names) and explain how you feel. Maybe she doesn’t realize you are really upset and you really want her around. Or Maybe she thinks you only asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man after she freaked out to her mom and you found out about it.
Post # 6
@KolaBee, I kind of wondered that actually – if she thought I asked her because she was upset. The friendship is 100% worth saving, she is literally like my big sister and our families do Thanksgiving together every year. Even though she is the one who is weaker on communicating, I have grown up a lot and changed a lot from the path I was on, maybe SHE feels less important to me since I stayed far from home after college. I think she’s a bit nuts if so, but maybe that’s what it is. Granted, I was SO excited when she had her baby, I bought last minute plane tickets and was there before he was a week old. I’m just more of a people person I guess.
Anyway I’m going to email her (nicely) letting her know that I would really love to spend some time with my big sister the weekend of my wedding… and can she work that into her plans. And that I asked her to be a bridesmaid because I couldn’t imagine not having her with me as I prepared to become a wife!
Post # 7
Interesting points being brought up. And you think there might be something to KolaBee’s post.
Could you try calling rather than e-mailing? Somtimes things get lost in an e-mail, not to mention, what if you e-mail her and she doesnt reply? I think you ahve an easy way to broach the subject. Aks if she’s upset and that’s why she isn’t into the wedding. (And that you miss her and want to spend time with her.)
I think even as a new mom, she should be able to put a little more effort into the wedding. I’ve been that new mom. I can see if she’s coming into town and trying to see people she hasn’t seen in a while. (Not to mention having all this time to herself, without the baby being woken up three times a night, is like Disney World to her, right now. Get in as much as you can, while you can.) But I do think some of that energy should be into the wedding.
Does she know you moved the wedding because of her? If she’s feeling upset that you might not have asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, maybe hearing this would be good for her. Also, it sounds like you are the type of friend who will bend over backwards for a friend. While it might be nice if yo got that in return, not everyone shows their firendship in the same way. It’s unfortunate, but I don’t tink her not being there quite as yo’ve been, is necessarily indicative of her not reciprocating your feelings of friendship.
Post # 8
I think the previous replies sum up how i feel, but i just wanted to say that I hope she comes around. I am a mom and I remember when I had a 3 month old and it was realllllly hard to think about anybody but her and myself. 🙂 I probably would have done the same without really realizing it. Good Luck!