Post # 1
So, I think all of my friends and family wouldn’t give me objective advice on this one. I would especially love to hear from those that have more than one kid.
Now, if you are pregnant, this is kind of a debbie downer post, so read on at your own risk. 😉
I had DS in August. My pregnancy was relatively easy. For example, I had morning sickness, but nothing horrible. He was born 5 days before his due date, naturally. I had one of those labors that some would call easy and some would call hard. No pain meds, only 13 hrs, but I lost a lot of blood and had a pretty long tear..they even said I might need a blood transfusion but I didn’t, so they told me I had to check out after 2 days, even though I still couldn’t stand long at all (and my pulse would increase…right after birth they were unable to xfer me to the recovery ward due to dropping blood pressure when attempting to stand).
Now, trust me, I know I am very lucky to have such a wonderful healthy baby. However, I still have back pain from the birth (previous sports injury). It is way better after physical therapy but still uncomfortable. I feel guilty even complaining, bc I know other people have it much harder.
Also, my DH and I are having a much harder time than we expected. I had to finally go on anti-depressants (in Jan.) for PPD, and DH is struggling, too. We are both in our 30s and both definitely wanted more kids. We originally wanted them about 2 years apart. The thing is, now I really don’t think I want to have a biological kid again. Do I just need to wait for this “fog” to lift (back pain & PPD), or if I’m still feeling this way when DS is already 7 months, will I probably continue to feel this way? We had talked about fostering and/or adopting after we had 2 bio kids but now I just feel kinda lost.
I’m not sure if going part-time at work would help at all with these feelings, but I am under contract and cannot quit w/o a huge financial penalty, so that adds pressure, too.
Thanks for any advice.
Post # 3
@cannotwait: personally, I think you should give it time and talk it out with your DH. You could also talk to counselor about the depression and everything. It couldn’t hurt.
wish I could help out more. good luck!
Post # 4
My only advice is what I’ve been told – wait a few years to make a final decision. Supposedly many people change their minds once their LO is really interactive and fun (I’ve been told around 10 months or so). I too originally wanted two kids and after my pregnancy with my DS, I am pretty convinced I’m not willing to do that again. I’d rather go through labor and delivery again over pregnancy. My family is constantly trying to convince me I’ll have a second baby but DH and I pretty much have made up our minds that it is truly unlikely we’ll go for a second baby. We agreed to keep our options open for about 5 years before making any final decisions (vasectomy).
I’m sorry you’ve had such a struggle. Whatever you decide, know that only you and your husband know what is best for you and you shouldn’t bow to pressure from outside sources. You will do what is best for your family and your relationship with your husband and it will be right for you, which is the most important thing.
Post # 5
@cannotwait: So I only have one kid, born in august, so not your ideal responder….but first I just wanted to say I am sorry you are having such a tough time! PPD is pretty serious – my SIL had it and didn’t get proper treatment for many years and it was very hard on her and my brother. Do you feel like you have a good provider who is helping you? I know getting her meds right was important to her getting back to a good place.
I would suggest focusing on getting yourself healthy before you add the stress of worrying about a second child. I think at this point it wouldn’t be fair to yourself, your baby or your husband to add another baby to the mix. But please don’t think that just because you feel this way 7 months in you are stuck here for good! There are people out there who should be able to help you with the PPD – take care of yourself….
Post # 6
Not having more kids is a viable option but there’s probably not any reason to feel pressure to decide right now. Another kid now doesn’t sound ideal for you guys but things could always change in the future, maybe keep some notes on how you’re feeling now to remind yourself of in the future when you reconsider more kids vs no more kids.
Post # 7
I was seeing a counselor but have since stopped. For some reason, I just feel like the issue of having more kids is weighing on my heart. Overall, I feel like the PPD is much better, but there are just ocassional moments of “darkness”. I am wayyyy too much of a planner, so I have a hard time now that I am seriously questioning what we’ve wanted for a very long time.
I also have never had depression before, so this really caught me off guard! I never really understood when friends went through it and couldn’t just “help themselves” through exercise or whatever and just wanted to stay in bed…oy, now I know!
I usually have a very good work ethic, and I had to call in sick a couple days it was so bad.
Post # 8
Oh, and I have an IUD, so no worries about getting pregnant right now…definitely not thinking anytime soon. At first I thought maybe it was dumb to get an IUD when we wanted our kids close…but now that I have PPD, I am so glad I have something that I don’t really have to worry about (taking every day)…
Post # 9
Since you like to plan can you plan to reevaluate in a year and know that in the mean time both you and your husband are OK with not having another kid? How seriously are you considering adoption? Do you like your job but just feel overwhelmed with learning to be a mommy and a fulltime job or is the job only OK and you are you just waiting for the contract to be up?
Post # 10
I agree to give it some more time before making this decision. It just sounds like you’re not ready for another baby yet, and that’s ok. You don’t have to stick to a timeline that you and your husband decided on before having COWboy; you had no idea back then what it was going to be like. It sounds like yo’re still recovering, and you need to give yourself time to rest and recoup before deciding if another bio baby is right for your family.
Fwiw, a lot of couples struggle after having a baby. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and research, and it seems that having a baby is one of the biggest adjustments a couple can go through. You, individually, need time to adjust, and your relationship needs time to evolve and adjust. I’ve heard from a lot of mommy friends (and from what I’ve read) that most people need a full year after the birth of their child before they are comfortable making a decision about future children. At 7 months, COWboy hasn’t even been on the outside as long as he was on the inside, so I think it would be hard to judge how you are going to feel 5 months from now based on how you feel right now. Take your time; there’s no rush to make a decision right now, right?
Post # 11
I suffered from PPD until my son was about 2years old — however, I have a history of depression so that definitely had something to do with it. If you are still having tough days is there anyway that you can see a counsellor less frequently (like 1x every 2weeks or something or even 1x a month?) just to address the issues?
I found that having me time was key to lifting my spirits–I know it’s hard to go out and do things that are not strictly ‘mom’ but you have to remember that you are more than just ‘mom’ (and ‘dad’ is more than ‘dad’ too) and make time for that. And i am not talking hanging out in the house while your husband watches the baby, but going out without any baby related distractions and just doing something for you every now and then (screw exercise, that’s work haha).
I would wait to see how you feel when your baby is about 18months, and starts acting like a true little person before making any concrete decisions. I didn’t think I would ever want anymore children, ever, but once my son was about 2.5-3years old I started to think “[another] wouldn’t be so bad….just maybe not now…” we had other concerns (career, house, school etc) to consider before continuing with planning our family, but now that things are more settled (career, check, house check) it seems more appealing. Though I will admit, that even after waiting almost 6 years (from pregnancy to now–our son is almost 5) we still aren’t sure– as the old adage goes there is never a perfect time for a baby.
If you want to talk feel free to PM me.
Post # 12
Definitely, we do not need to decide for awhile. I think it just feels good to finally “say” something, bc I know my family would want us to have more kids.
I agree with maybe setting a date for when to discuss again with DH. We had “tabled” the discussion but not set a date to “untable”. So, it’s been staying on my mind still!
As to the job, there are some things I like about it, but I feel like it has become a very negative environment. I think I like it more in theory than in practice, haha. I like the career path but not some of the recent changes here. We lost a bunch of people last year, so we are struggling to handle the workload with a much reduced staff. It also makes me feel like my role isn’t valued, since our department was hit worse than others by the layoff. If I don’t get promoted soon, I’m going to start looking for other jobs. I have some good leads already from a friend that wants me to join her company. (She used to work here.) It’s to the point where people just assume I’ve already been promoted, because I’ve been doing that level of work for so long and been getting good evaluations/rankings plus finished a weekend masters in that time period.
I guess I’m just not used to being so uncertain, as I’m a 5 year plan kinda gal. Right now, I honestly don’t even know what next year looks like! At all!