Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2014 - The Cove Lakeside Resort
So I have a couple of tough situations to deal with when I tell my family I’m pregnant, and i’m not sure how to handle it.
#1 My dad passed away in August, and his birthday is coming up on Nov. 10. My mom is coming out to visit me that weekend, one so she isn’t at home alone that day, and two because it is also my birthday Nov. 11. I want to tell my mom that weekend she is here, and thought it might be good to do it on my dads birthday, in hopes of bringing some happiness to the day but I am not sure how that would go.
Do you think I should do it on the 10th? or another day that weekend?
#2 My brother and his wife have been trying to have a baby for about 3.5 years, we were lucky and got pregnant without even trying. I know it will be hard for them to find out about our pregnancy so I would like to handle this as sympathetically as possible.
Should I email them, so they can deal with their feelings in private before seeing us? or should I call them, like we will do with other siblings of ours? Also, what would I say to them?
Thanks for any help or suggestions you girls have!
Post # 2
shopaholic85: I think that for your brother, an email COULD be useful? It’s perhaps not as personal, but depending on how hard they are taking their struggle…it could be a compassionate way to tell them. It will let them react how they need to in private first. I did this unknowingly with a friend by email and was glad, because they responded explaining their stuggle. Even telling them by phone or skype would have been tough for them I think, so email was the best. I’ve never struggled TTC either though, so this is just my experience with one friend.
I think it’s great you can tell your mom in person, and I send my sympathies to you for your father’s passing. Perhaps you can leave it open, and decide mid-day on his birthday whether the announcement would be best that day or the following on your bday. I think both options are good…perhaps consider doing it at home, not a restaurant or something so it’s more intimate too.
Post # 3
shopaholic85: I would probably tell my mom as soon as she got to my house. I don’t think I would be able to keep it in. If she is coming on the 10th then tell her then. If that is the day you want to tell her then do it, it doesnt matter what people online say.
In regards to your brother. My stepsister was trying for years to get pregnant. When her brother announced his first pregnancy he did it on Christmas in front of her whole family and she did not take it so well. That being said, I wouldn’t do a big reveal in front of them. I would tell them privately. Maybe pretend you were actually trying so he feels better. i wouldn’t go around saying “oh we weren’t even trying hahahaha”.
I dont know if you live really far away but I am telling all immediate family in person. So they will all find out on different dates. I would tell them in person, and if you cant do that then over the phone.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2014 - The Cove Lakeside Resort
SoontobeMrs0831: Oh for sure! I would never try and flaunt that to anyone! 🙂 I only have one sibling that lives in town, my two brothers live fairly far away, and I might not be seeing them anytime soon.
I know they have had a hard time dealing with pregnancy announcements before, so maybe email would be good.
Post # 5
I told a family member who was TTC a and struggling via email. It took her a day or two to reply, but she was really appreciative. I think email is good because your brother and his wife won’t have to hide their reaction, which may be disappointment (not that you are pregnant, but because of their own situation).
As for your mom, just tell her whenever! Go to dinner when she arrives and tell her then.
Post # 6
shopaholic85: So sorry about your dad. I lost my dad about 4 years ago and am currently pregnant with what would have been his first grandchild. I would personally tell your mom as soon as she gets there for the weekend. Give her a bit of bright news for what would be a bit of a dreary weekend, and then it doesnt cloud over the feelings she is likely to have on your dads birthday. Greiving is a weird thing, everyone handles it differently, and the first year is hard. That being said letting her have her feelings on that day and not being ’emotionally confused’ (for lack of a better term) would likely be your best bet.
As for your brother, you know him best and how you typically communicate with him. I probably wouldnt email as that seems kind of impersonal, but a phone call may still leave them trying to be excited but really just being upset in the meantime. I would text them, preferrably at a time you think they are likely to be home in private and let them know that way. Its a lot easier to fake not being upset when you dont have to talk to the person.
Post # 7
For your brother, I’ve been told email is best. That way they can react to it in their own time.
Post # 8
I generally try not to second guess other people’s emotions. With your mother, I would err on the side of caution and pick a neutral day.
I think you ought to tell your brother and wife about your pregnancy in person or on the phone. I would not single them out for different treatment than your other siblings. I’d be upbeat but low key and brief. No cutesie or rehearsed youtube or pinterest type surprise type announcements.
I would also not say anything too early in the pregnancy, since the less time they have to deal with it, the easier it may be for everyone. Again, don’t presume to know how they are going to react to your baby news or say something such as “Your day will come” or “I realize this might be hard for you to hear.”
Unless it is clear they want to ask questions and celebrate the news, don’t go on about it. Be prepared for anything, including a polite, but less than enthusiastic response. They may be happy for you, but sad for themselves. They may not want to talk at length and they may even act distant for awhile. If that happens, don’t take it personally.
Post # 9
1) I would not worry too much about the exact day you tell your mom. If you have it narrowed down to that weekend, then I would just do it when the moment feels right.
2) I would call them like you do your other siblings, so they don’t feel singled out for their situation. But then I would send a follow-up email saying something along the lines of “Just wanted to let you know that with the news of our expanding family, you and SIL have been in our thoughts a lot lately. Love you and want you to know we are always here for you!”
Post # 10
I always HATE and dread the date of my dad’s death, and a year and a half ago, a dear young woman whom I’ve known since she was a small child had a beautiful baby girl ONE DAY before the anniversary.
Although I will always miss my dad, I don’t think I’ll ever again feel the terrible anticipation of the date as badly as I did before that sweet baby entered our lives.
I truly hope your good news helps your DM in exactly the same way!
Post # 11
shopaholic85: Regarding your brother and sister-in-law, maybe instead of phrasing it as “we’re going to have a baby” you could say “you’re going to be an uncle and aunt.”
Post # 12
shopaholic85: In regards to your brother I like Daisy_Mae:‘s idea. I’d be tempted to call them though as I’m sure they’ll be pleased for you, reminded of the disappointment for themselves – yes. I think they maybe hurt if you email them, if I was them I wouldn’t want to be singled out. I’d pick a neutral day as another PP said to tell your Mum.
Last but not least – Congratulations!
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I would call your brother versus an e-mail, and I like the idea “you’re going to be an uncle.” I think this is too big of a life event for e-mail. It may not be an easy conversation- one of my best friends has been struggling with this, and there were some tears that came up in the conversation, but I feel that she appreciated the call a lot more than an e-mail.
For your Mom, it might be cute to give her a present on your birthday, maybe a “grandma loves me” onesie or bib. You could play it by ear- if the 10th is a really hard day for her, “I have an early present for you for my birthday.”
Post # 14
When it is something this important either call or tell them in person. You don’t email.
Post # 15
1. I would probably tell my mom as soon as I saw her too (no way I’d be able to keep my mouth shut). Be prepared for her to be sad and happy at the same time – her first reaction may be about how sad she is that your dad won’t be there.
2. Personally, I wouldn’t do the aunt and uncle thing. Theoretically, I understand why people are recommending it but I had a very strong, very negative reaction to it. I can’t really explain why (sorry!) but I know hearing that would have gut me more somehow. And I would really recommend email as long as you don’t think they would be offended by it (which it doesn’t sound like they would be). We struggled with infertility for almost two years – I can’t imagine 3.5…. – and you really just hit a point where you lose your ability to hide your emotions. Don’t put them in a position to have to choke through tears or talk when they feel like they can barely breathe. You could always start off with something like “I wasn’t sure the best way to tell you and I’m sorry if this isn’t it” or something. If I read that, I would know that the person was using email to be gentle with me rather than being cold or treating me as less important. And if their first reaction is elation, they’ll pick up the phone and call you to celebrate.