needing some support

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@countrygirl12:  oh my gosh, i’m so sorry this happened. i’ve never experienced this kind of loss before, but i really wouldn’t feel guilty about how you feel or the things you said to you SO. it sounds like you said them from a very honest and painful place. talking to a grief counselor together might help. have you read blogs like a glow in the woods or by the brooke? i hope you’re both able to find some peace soon.

Post # 4
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@countrygirl12:  My brother and his wife lost their first baby too. It was difficult, and she was sad, but she knew it was common and that it is nature at work, for many reasons. They tried again and my wonderful nephew was born. But she lost another one after that. And had two more babies after that second loss.

What I am trying to say is that it will get better and your situation is not uncommon, but your SO has probably no idea how to deal with this, and maybe he doesn’t realize that even though it is excruciating pain, it does happen often, even in young girls (my sister in law was 23 I think) the first time. He needs to be around, of course, but he doesn’t know how to act, because from what I’ve read, you said you try to be strong around him and not show him how you feel. I’m sorry sweetie, but I think you definitely should tell him how you feel, and be sad around him if that is how you feel. That is how you too will get better. My sister in law and my brother went through their grief, and were ready to try after. Don’t live that without him, don’t leave him out of this. He is there to help you though this and to take care of you. If he sees you’re sad too, maybe he will feel that he can show you that he is also going through a difficult time. For now, it seems to me that he is a bit confused and lost, which is normal, and since you’re really the one who experienced that loss to a deeper level, he wants to see how you are feeling and how you are taking it before he reacts.

Courage! You will get through this.

Post # 5
Member
3112 posts
Sugar bee

@countrygirl12:  I’m so sorry.  I don’t have anything I can say to help other than the Bee is here for you!  I can’t imagine what you are going through.  Do you have a family member or friend who can listen and support you during this time of greiving?

**internet hug**

Post # 6
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

So so sorry to hear about this *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@countrygirl12:

I’m so so sorry 🙁

I think that in tough situations like this, it is really hard to process and channel your feelings, and everyone handles them differently. I’m sure your SO is upset, but he is just showing them differently than you. If you want to apologize, I think you should. Just tell him this has been really hard, and you’re really sad, but you love him and hope you can get through it together. And maybe tell him that you’ve been crying every night, and hope that if he’s going through the same sort of thing, you can lean on and support each other. I think there is an important balance between trying to be okay and moving forward, and also letting yourself mourn.

 

Post # 8
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@countrygirl12:  I’m terribly sorry you’ve had to go through this. I personally have never had to deal with it but the best advice I’ve heard from people who have is this:

Treat this situation as though it were any other loss in the family. What would you do then? Maybe greif counseling, as another PP mentioned. In that situation you’d want to talk it out with your SO and help him understand how you feel.

I think he just doesn’t know what to do or say. You had a physical and emotional attachment to the baby and all the hormones that go along with it so it really is more difficult for you to go through this than it might be for him. And if your trying too hard to be strong in front of him, he might just be avoiding the subject so as not to upset you.

Do whatever you have to to help yourself through this. And help your SO along with what he can do to help because I’m sure he just doesn’t know how to handle this. Give your baby a name. A headstone even if you want to. And grieve, just as you would for anyone else you lost. People NEED to go through a greiving process.

Post # 10
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

@countrygirl12:  I am so sorry for your loss. And i think the tree planting sounds like a lovely idea.
i was in a similar situation a couple of years ago with my SO, and i kinda closed him out, so maybe if you let him know how much your hurting he will be able to be there for you. in my experience most men tend to ‘deal’ by shutting down and not speaking about it- which in turn can seem like they dont care (and therefore leaves you really hurt!) but if you try opening up to him he may way do the same back xx

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