Needing to vent

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry your SO is dragging his feet!

Post # 5
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@mindysoo:  I’m so sorry he is dragging his feet. Hopefully you two coan talk this out and come up with a plan that will make you both happy!

Post # 6
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hi,

 

You’ve jinxed nothing but your SO has lead you up the garden path for now.  He gave you a specific directive to go looking for rings and then couldn’t handle it when you actually went and did it.  Your SO has not handled this well, especially telling you he was going to get advice from another engaged guy as to how much he should spend on a ring before going ahead.

 

I understand that he probably wants you to feel reassured and included in the process of finding a ring and confident that he will propose, but he has put the cart before the horse.  By sending you looking for rings and engaging in the discussion around them with you BEFORE ACTUALLY proposing, he has got you in a position where you are “engaged to be engaged” without actually asking you.  This will take all of the surprise out of the engagement itself and the risk he takes that you might actually say no by soliciting your unspoken agreement to be in a holding pattern to be engaged at some time in the future.

 

Even the best and kindest lovers do this.  My now husband tried to do this before we were engaged, asking me what sort of ring I would like over a period of weeks. I was tempted to have the discussion with him and started dreaming about rings. I ended the conversation by telling him I didn’t want to talk about or look at rings until he had actually proposed and if that meant proposing with a bit of looped string, then that would be the most romantic proposal I had ever heard.  

He ended up proposing to me less than 6 weeks later with a borrowed antique ring which I was able to hold onto until we then went and designed a ring together as an ENGAGED couple.  In doing so, he tells me now he still had all the fear and anticipation that I might say no, and the joy and relief that I said yes, with all the romance of the setting he planned without me knowing.  He tells me that he felt the victory of knowing in the moment I said yes that he’d won me, even though he thought I had said yes, I wasn’t a sure thing.  My yes, made him feel like a King.

 

Don’t despair though, you are so definitely not a fool but it is time to back away from this now.  Let your SO know that you aren’t going to look any further into rings until after you are engaged- if he wants to propose to you using his mothers or your mother’s ring or a ring out a gumball machine, tell him that’s his choice and that you have every confidence in his ability to plan a proposal by himself without input from you.  

Then… this is the hardest thing- put the subject down.  Get on with a new project of YOUR choosing.  Focus on yourself and your friendship, dreams and aspirations that are your own and not reliant on him.  If your partner does not propose by the date that he set (1 Jan 2014), give him and extra 3 months and during that start planning an exit strategy from the relationship.  If he is so definite about spending the rest of his life with you, you will not lose him.  Have confidence in that.  But don’t cry, get frustrated or give ultimatums.  

You are a woman of worth.  He has, without thinking properly, asked you to consider and act on two of the most important decision of your life (whether to marry him and what ring to wear) and done it in a casual way.  He needs to attend to each of these in the right way, with the reverence and care they deserve.  Let him know that you are not going to shop for any rings in order to give him the opportunity to show you the quality of man he is by his proposal.  Then, go shopping for rings together as your first milestone as an engaged couple.

 

@mindysoo:  

Post # 7
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree with your frustration but I want to offer some ray of hope: My FI picked a big fight with me over getting engaged the day before he did it.  He told me the same thing to start looking at rings etc.  He brought up one morning that he was looking and that maybe in about 3 years he would propose.  Obviously I was thrown over the change of heart and he told me I wasn’t thinking about the financial end of it.  I dropped it because it seemed to have gotten him heated. Fast forward to a mere 24 hours later and he was on one knee! He said he wanted to make sure I was really surprised so he wanted me off the trail completely. So who knows maybe your sweetie has a surprise up his sleeve!! Good Luck!

Post # 8
Member
4468 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mindysoo:  I’m sorry this isn’t happening very quickly:( I hope you get a proposal soon- fx for you!

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