Post # 1
I could really use some advice concerning one of my friends. I have a close friend who I’ve known for years and she’s one of my BMs. I really do like her company and enjoy hanging out with her. But the issue is that I don’t want/need to see her super often… and she does. I don’t think I’m a terrible person. Its just that I’m SO busy. I want to spend time regularly with my FI (who doesn’t live with me), my family, my FI’s family, and my other friends (who hang out separately), I go to school full time and work part time and am actively job hunting. And to top it off, I am a huge homebody who really needs a least one night off a week just to just be at home without company to recharge. So its hard to make as much time for this one friend as she would like.
Its just that she texts me daily to hang out -and I mean every day! I try to hang out as much as I can with her (once a week-ish) but she clearly wants to hang out more. One many occasions, I have hung out with her on day 1 (knowing we had plans to hang out on day 3) and she will try to make plans for us to hang out on day 2 as well. Its hard because I hang out with her waaay more than any of my other friends, because she’s so persistant, and I’m starting to resent it.
Also, She frequently texts me “where are you right now?”, which if I say I’m at school or home she immediately wants to meet up with me. She also texts “what are your plans tonite?” and if I don’t have a concrete excuse, she immediately tries to make plans which I find awkward to every get out of, because she has already determined that I’m “free”. It really stresses me and I find myself super careful on what I tell her unless I actually have the time/energy to hang out. Often when I say I’m busy, and she’ll ask me when my next free day is… and whatever that day is, she makes plans. Which is hard if I haven’t had free time in weeks. (I need time for laundry, cleaning, etc!) I know it sounds paranoid, but I feel like she tries to “trap” me into hanging out with her. It is REALLY stresses me out these days
I just don’t know what to do. I constantly tell her how busy I am. And i hate having to make excuses and white lies. It doesn’t help that she’s unhappily single and tends to judge her friends in relationships for spending too much time with our significant others. I guess I should just talk to her, but I have no idea what to say so she wouldn’t be super hurt/angry, etc I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks! :S
Post # 3
hmmm…my friends and I have a girls night once a week. We try to make it the same day everytime but sometimes things come up and we have to reschedule. Maybe if she knows that you are setting a concrete day to hang out, she’ll back off a little bit?? Its hard to juggle everything (and it sounds like your are juggling ALOT!) and friendships take just as much effort as relationships, so she may need to know that you are making an effort to maintain your friendship with her. The constant texting would irritate me too, but think about why you are friends with her in the first place and decide whether or not you want to maintain that friendship. Good luck!
Post # 4
Such a hard position to be in! I know the feeling and have been there before. We actually have friends that are a couple who want to see us EVERY single weekend…we’re the type that we like to hang out and go out, but we REALLY love our “us” time together and don’t feel the need to hang out with them as much as they want to hang out with us.
Take it as a compliment, for one…but also it does sound like she needs a little bit of a stern talking to. Explain that although you love her and the time you spend together, you are feeling overwhelmed right now with everything going on and need some space. Try to keep it focused on YOU rather than on anything she’s doing. Explain that you’re the type of personality who really enjoys and NEEDS your alone time.
It sounds like she has no one else! I would introduce her to my other friends and hope she hits it off with some of htem…help expand her circle or suggest things for her to do to meet others. 🙂
Post # 5
@roseanna258: I really like your suggestion of having a set date. I never really thought of it, but that might do us a lot of good. My schedule tends to change quite constantly due to the nature of my school work (TONS of group work). And the other issue is that sometimes even one day can be a lot… weeks when i spend 4+ nights at school. but if I could make an even semi-permanent day, it’d probably take some pressure off.
@Wannabe-diy-bride: Thanks for the reply. your script is pretty good. its so hard for me to bring up this stuff. Thankfully she does have some other friends, but I think she’s considers me her closest, so i don’t think I give her the time she wants.
Post # 6
Yup, you definitely need to talk to her. Just explain that while you love hanging out with her, you have other commitments and people who you also need to allot your time to, so seeing her more than once a week just isn’t possible right now.
Post # 7
@linguo42: thanks for reply. I really like your wording. I’m always so impressed by how good the bees are being diplomatic.
Post # 8
I can totally understand how you feel because I know I would feel guilty in your situation telling her no all the time, since she constantly asks. But honestly you have to start being firm and vauge when she asks what your availability is. If she texts asking where you are, just don’t respond. I mean like at all. I feel like not responding to those texts will show her that kind of question all the time is not okay and will never result in the two of you hanging out, she can’t trap you. Think about it, she will probably stop doing that if she knows she wont get a response.
Honestly she’s putting too much pressure on you to be her everything. If you two were dating you would have dumped her a long time ago. And a friendship is about give and take, she only seems interested in the taking part. So you may also want to reevaluate your overall friendship, ask yourself if all the energy you’re putting in is worth what you’re getting back.
I would also talk to her. Tell her that you are actually concerned about her because of her behavior, she seems to need to be with you all the time and you’re wondering if she has anyone else in her life to lean on. Not that you don’t want to be there for her, but it downright isn’t healthy to be like that. Then you can suggest for your own mental health having an arranged ‘girls night’ once a week or twice a month.
Post # 9
@moderndaisy: thanks, i really appreciate your frank answer. I got another dreaded text today at work. Feeling myself cringe, I realized how not ok I am with these friend dynamics. I’ve been really struggling whether to be more or less specific in our communications so i wrote the WB post. I tend to be all “sorry, I need to do ____ and ____”, because I’m so afraid to give her ‘wiggle room’. I know she’s means well. But if I say, “sorry I can’t meet you in the library, cause I just left school”… she says “thats ok, I’ll just go to your house!”.
So maybe your idea might cause me less agony…. cause I’m seriously stressed out on a regular basis. and your right – its so not healthy :S
Post # 10
I totally understand what you are going through because I have a friend that used to be exactly like your friend. This girl would ask me to hang out every single day, and while she was a good person, I also sometimes felt trapped into hanging out with her because I felt bad about saying no. And I am definitely one of those people that needs alone time once in a while, so I also resented her for asking me to hang out so much. My friend is also unhappily single and judges people in relationships, and gets jealous when friends spend time with significant others.
Just like someone else above posted, I would say include your friend when hanging out with your other friends so she can get to know other people, especially if you have other friends that are single that she can maybe relate with. I included my particular friend with some of my other friends, and now she is good friends with another one of my close friends and the calls to hang out everyday have stopped. Ignoring her calls and texts might work, but also beware that she might get mad, or she might still continuously text and call you. This was also the case with my friend, if I didn’t answer her phone call right away, she would literally call me again 5 minutes later.
Post # 11
Are we friends with the same person??
My friend does this stuff too. I have a terrible habit of saying “nothing” if someone asks me what’s up, so anytime she got me on the phone or in a text saying I’m not doing anything (even if I am!) then it’s immediately “Oh cool what are WE going to do today?”
But one thing to remember, it is none of her business where you are or what you are doing every second of every day. You have no obligation to tell her you’re at school/home/work/etc. She isn’t your mother. You also don’t have to tell her what you’re busy doing. You could be busy reading a good book in the bath tub. 🙂
I know I’ve ignored countless phone calls and texts from her, because I know once it starts there’s no escaping. She never knows when to leave or get off the phone. If I say something like “OK, well I’ve got to go start cooking dinner now!” She’ll say ok and start telling a whole new story!
I do think I should mention my friend is Bipolar, so my situation could be a bit different than yours. 🙂
Post # 12
OMG your friend is is sooo similar to mines (except my friend is married with child) but what really bugs me is when my friend/bridemaids would say…. “YOU OWE ME ALONE TIME”??!?!?!?! WTF? I sometime want to tell her “Did you give birth to me? bc if not then i dont owe u jack shit!!!!” Now that is what i would say to most ppl except for the ppl I love. And i truely care and love her and i dont want to hurt her feelings.
Thats what kills me… bc i owe her NOTHING? Anyhow, I finally sent her a text… (a mean one i guess) but i basically told her to f’#@*& stop saying that I owe her alone girls time bc it really bugs me like she does not even know. i know that was extremly harsh but i could not take it anymore. I guess u could say i was the boiling teapot and and blew my top.
I made girls night out w HER, my sister, my sister-in-laws and my other friends/other bridesmaid… but if it was not “alone” time w her it DID NOT COUNT…… THATS WHAT FUC… killed me every time she made those comments… Even if I freakn hung out with her and my other familly and friends ALLLLLL day … if it was not ALONE time… it DID NOT COUNT>… as if she fuc…. gave birth to me and i owe her my time
I am sooooo sorry i vented on ur blog but she seriously ruin my weekend w my family and my fiancee bc ur blog touch a very sore topic. Her demanding remarks trigger a bitch in me that i did not want to come out but did….
Again,,,,, I AM SORRY to have ventd on ur blog…. best wishes and i do hope ur needy friends STOPS bc i know its stressing u out… and i literally mean i know what ur going thorught! Now i would not recommending what i did but i guess i will see if she stops bugging me and if our friendship recovers from my rude text….