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Just ignore it...don't let it get to you. In a conversations, just say "yea? i disagree. We are having...."
It's hard though.
dont let it get to you. every element of a wedding is important. what works for you may not work for others. don't stress it... just think of how beautiful your wedding will be!
I think you are overreacting. I don't really see anything wrong with those statements because I don't feel like they are directed at attacking you or your personal choices for your wedding. Obviously everyone has different priorities and opinions regarding these things.
Also, I don't think it's fair to assume that these comments would be made simply because someone can't afford those things for their wedding. I'm not doing favors at my wedding, and it's not because I can't afford them.
I just respond with, "Oh yeah, I see what you mean. Oh well, hopefully people will like our favors/appreciate the DJ/like the food!"
There's no point in trying to argue about it and change people's minds, IMO. I just smile, say what I wrote above, and move to another topic. I have a coworker who basiclaly thinks that everything in a wedding is overrated--she did her own makeup, own hair, had no bridal party, bought her dress off ebay, etc. I just say things like, "wow, that must have made it so easy for you!" and then change the topic.
I see your point and agree that too many comments about how food doesn't matter give me a pang since it's our one major splurge - but food was important to us and I hope it makes our guests happy and I just try to remember the reasons I made that decision to begin with.
However, the way you phrased your comment "I understand that people might not be able to afford favors..." makes it sound like the only reason people choose not to do certain things is because they can't and money and that's not true. I really do think favors are a waste and not important so I'm cutting them not save a couple hundred bucks but because I refuse to do projects for the wedding that I don't like/see the point of. Does that mean that other brides choices to have favors are wrong? No! Absolutely not! Just because it is a waste to me, for me, doesn't mean it is a waste for everyone else. It's only my particular circumstances.
Similarly I can imagine many brides who wouldn't want a DJ for various reasons and prefer and Ipod, that's not me and it has no impact on my decisions to go with a DJ or a band.
I've heard that "People never remember X, Y, and Z they only remember A" phrase so many times since I've started wedding planning - always with different X Y Z and As! It's kind of hilarious...
Every wedding is different..no one has the same wedding which I think is awesome~ People do make comments that may bother some people, but I just try and remember everyone prioritizes differntly. Most brides have to cut costs somewhere so that may make them feel a certain way of certain aspects! Just try not to let people get to you. Although I totally get what your saying!
I tend to agree with Arachna. I think when people make those statements, they're referring what what they think, and most sane people can understand that not everyone will agree, or that what they do themselves is what is right for everyone.
If they're meant to be insulting or defensive, well, then I think you just have to let it slide. Or a simple, "Well, that's what FI and I decided, and we're very happy about it!" and then a change of subject should do the trick :)
But yeah, as Arachna said, not everyone doesn't have favors because they cab't afford it. I also fall into the category of "just didn't want them" even though we could have easily fit them into the budget if we wanted. Every bride has priorities, and they're always different.
@Arachna & Tulip61110: I didn't mean to imply that budget constraints are the only reason brides cut out favors, flowers, DJs, etc - I agree that there are definitely other reasons to do it!
Regardless of the reason, I just don't see why someone would be so negative. I am definitely cutting or toning down several big aspects of the wedding both for budget reasons and because FI and I don't feel we need them - videography, pro flowers, designer dress, stationery, etc. But although the concept of, say, spending a few hundred dollars on invitations that people will just look at and throw out is completely foreign to me, I don't go around saying "what a waste of money!" or "why would anyone want to splurge on stationery?"
I'm glad some of you can relate to my frustration, in any case. And sorry if I really am overreacting, I usually don't let it get to me, but it is annoying sometimes.
I hear this stuff a lot (mostly from my overbearing, overly opinionated Aunt). Sometimes I can brush it off because I see that they mean no harm. Other times, when it seems like its being said to offend me (basically this has only been from the Aunt), I say something kinda snarky. Well, to me its snarky but I just bluntly say, "well, this is my wedding and its exactly what I want". We brides-to-be can't let these dumb comments set us off though, we'll lose it!
Well I think in general it's an opinion...one that you'd probably do best by just letting slide...because if you let it get to you, then people will probably say you are sensitive to what other people think. I thought a lot of things about my own wedding and about the decisions people make regarding theirs...does it make my opinion right? nope...because it's just that...an opinion.
There are right ways to say things and there are wrong ways to say things. Example:
"We're not doing favors. I don't think they are necessary and I'd rather spend the money on other stuff." - Right.
"I don't see why anyone would waste money on favors. We're not doing them." - Wrong.
When you phrase something and make it about YOUR choices, people can't be (or shoudn't be) offended by it. When you take the same statement and relate it to other people's choices, then you run the risk of pissing people off or offending them in some way.
I think you just have to let the remarks roll off your back. Or figure out why they're responding that way. One of my friends had lots of negatives. I had told her only my sister was going to be in my wedding party (I think she expected to be MOH) and that I was not inviting children (other than out-of-town cousins' kids). She has a 7 years old son who is quite close to me. The negatives continued after I sent my STDs (I included her parents). The negatives finally ended when I told her I was going have her son as my ring bearer. Funny how everything then became postive . . . even when I gave her the same details.
I think this is the kind of wording that is no fun to hear, but occurs very often in every day life. It's part of our culture to tiptoe around certain things but not others, and spending/wedding planning are definitely "no tiptoe" subjects.
I barely notice these things anymore because my smile and nod reaction is so rehearsed. I can't count the number of times I've heard similar things about my major, my career choice, my beliefs, how I voted, where I live, etc, etc, etc.
It'd be nice if people would be more considerate, but I know I don't watch my tongue as often as I should, either. Of course I rarely notice when I say something that offends someone until after the fact, and then I feel silly. So I try to give other people the same bit of wiggle room.
I try not to think about it, after all it's OUR wedding! We can do what WE want. It's all about you as a couple and there is no need to put down others who want different things than you and your FI!
1) “I’m not doing favors – they’re a waste of money since no one ever takes them.”
My response- We have so many out of town guests, I want everyone to feel appreciated for coming and want them to walk away with a small thank you gift. To us, it's not a waste
2) “Why would you ever hire a DJ when you can get the same exact result for free with an iPod?”
My response- live music or a DJ are not the same as an iPod! The experience, the sound, the variety and flexibility are not there. If you cannot afford it, then that's a different story. To each their own budget.
3) And, my biggest pet peeve so far: “Wedding food is never going to be great anyway, so why splurge on it? Guests don’t care anyway.”
My response- venue and food were the two biggest, most important wedding items for us (besides my dress of course!). If I am asking family and friends to fly in from all around the globe, the least I can do is feed them well :) I want everyone to walk away thinking "how happy the couple was" and "what a great wedding it was," and NOT " what was up with the food?" or "why were the portions so small?"
Just my two cents, I get negative responses all the time about our choices.
When wedding planning,I think you just have to have thick skin, know what you want, and not let anything anyone says change your mind about your choices. People always have to say something about everything anyway, and you'll get to a point where you'll be able to laugh it off. It honestly isn't worth the grief!
People are always going to have opinions, and I agree that it can be dificult not to take it personally when someone else strongly disagrees with a decision you've made.
But someone else's opinion is just that - an opinion. Provided what you want doesn't unduly inconvenience anyone, you're not obligated to justify how you choose to design your wedding.
We talk a lot about the ways in which brides abuse the It's MY DAY sentiment, but I do think it sometimes has its uses. When the matter under discussion is entirely subjectvie (ie, colors, menus, music, etc.) then, yeah, the bride's priorities come first. Co-worker Myrtle may turn up her nose at the idea of a three-course plated dinner, but she's not going to be there and, if she is, I guarantee she'll remember and love your food.
If nothing else, there's the tried and true sentiment of Dr. Seuss: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Different people have different priorities, and opinions. Although sometimes people could say things more constructively, they are under no obligation to agree with you. Its all in how you say it I think.
@ Kittyachi: THAT. Exactly. I think we would all, in all sorts of areas of our lives, do better not to project our preferences and situations on the universe, as if what we like or choose isn't just taste or circumstance, but The One True Choice.
I think it works both ways. Not just "why would you waste your money on a DJ?" but "I think (blank) is cheap and tacky." And the only way to really convey your ideas to others, no matter what side they are on, is to choose your words wisely. I try to let comments roll off my back when they are anything but positive.
I agree with the previous poster.
It's all what's best for a person under their circumstances--it hurts equally all the perks being shoved in the other person's face as well.
It's great that you can afford to do those nice things for your attendants, but some can't and so it's a way of making themselves not feel as guilty--I don't think it's to hurt another's feelings.
@beekiss2: I don't think saying something like "We're really excited about these homemade cookie favors we're making for our guests" or "Food was definitely our #1 priority, so we splurged on a gourmet meal" is shoving perks in someone else's face.
However, making comments like "I'm not having XXX because it's a waste of money", regardless of your budget, is rude and, IMHO, not an acceptable way of making yourself feel less guilty.
I know sometimes I can get truly annoyed when people throw around the word tacky when it comes to something I am actually planning on doing for my wedding or how somebody points out something I am doing is not the standard for wedding planning. Even though I would love to say what I am truly thinking I normally just take a deep breath and say well thats what WE want for OUR big day. I have no problem with other people's opinions but there is definitely a tactful way to say it.
One of the hypothetical statements was "I don't see why people spend money on favors. I'm not doing them" or something along those lines... I get that it's a little.. less than tactful statement, but I don't think it's something you should take offense to, that bride just doesn't get the point.
I'm assuming you would like to show your guests that you're happy they came to share the day with you, and you have a little treat for them to take home. Some people will love it and some will not care for it, and if the above bride was a guest at your wedding she would probably be in the second group. I seriously doubt that if she were a guest at your wedding she would come up to you and say something rude about your "stupid waste of money favor that she hates" she would just take it home, and stick it in a drawer somewhere, give it to her mother who happens to love wire heart shaped mini baskets filled with home-made potpouri, or chuck it.
I do feel that it is not rude for one bride to share her opinion of all things wedding related, and you should take it all with a grain of salt.
I do get that sometimes comments like this can hurt feelings, but maybe you unintentionally hurt the no-favor no-dj no-food bride... some other people have pointed out that maybe it doesn't have to do with budgets? I sense a little feeling hurtedness there...
Maybe when these things come up, take a step back and remember why YOU are doing them.. Personally, I'm planning on no favors, but instead a Donation to an animal charity I'm not coming up with any ideas I like personally, so I'd rather take the money I could spend on favors and put it towards something most of my guests will appreciate. No DJ- but hopefully a live band, I would love to do IPOD in between sets and such, but I know paying for all the downloads would cost a fortune! we'll see what we come up with. And food... I'm a foodie, most of my guests are foodies, that food better be DAMN good or else everyone will be drinking all of those calories at the bar!
PS I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful, and unique!
Well, you hit the nail on the head. It is a justification for why people are not doing a certain x,y,z item (aka cognitive dissonance). Although, while the negativity can definitely be a downer (especially if these friends bring it up a lot), different people justify things in their own way. It might not work for you, but it might work for them.
Either way, I think it is perfectly reasonable to say something along the lines of "I appreciate your concern with our budget, but I think we've made arrangents so that x,y,z are cost effective, fun and will add to our celebrations!"
I don't think that those are always meant to be negative.
For instance, I've been guilty of saying things like, "I'm not doing favors- I think they're a waste of money." I'm not putting anyone down for having favors! I'm having a small, low budget wedding, and for me it is a waste. I'd rather spend that money on flowers or my dress. But if that fits into your budget, and that's what you want... go for it!! :)
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I’ve noticed that brides who choose to cut certain elements of the wedding sometimes tend to make negative comments about them to justify their decision. It’s almost like they’re making themselves feel better by putting down brides who do decide to include these elements.
Examples:
1) “I’m not doing favors – they’re a waste of money since no one ever takes them.”
2) “Why would you ever hire a DJ when you can get the same exact result for free with an iPod?”
3) And, my biggest pet peeve so far: “Wedding food is never going to be great anyway, so why splurge on it? Guests don’t care anyway.”
Those all happen to be aspects of the wedding that are very important to us, so these kinds of comments don’t sit well with me. I understand that people might not be able to afford favors, a DJ, or a good menu, but making it sound like these things are a waste of money frustrates me to no end. So, what do I say in response? Or am I overreacting and should just let it go? I didn’t mind these comments at all initially, but after a while, they started getting to me. I’m tempted to say something bitchy in reply, but surely there has to be a more graceful way of handling it.