@codysgirl16: Better late than never 🙂 …. and I’m sorry, I really hope what I said didnt freak you out further… The most important thing is that the counsellor is there to HELP you guys. As long as both of you are willing to make an effort and are commited to your relationship you will be fine and come out stronger.
This is actually something that is (in my opinion) very important to work through.
For me, I’m often scared that some of the more difficult conversaitons we have might be too much, or I may have said something that made him really angry (he tends to go silent and think, or even worse – he pulls away from my touch when he is really irritated (at me or the convo topic), and then I freak out). This of course causes me to cry, and then he gets simultaneously frustrated and concerned because to him it was totally normal and nothing to worry about – he just needed his space. But he knows that I’m not completely secure in the relationship yet – I often am scared that something will make him leave me, that I’ll be too much, or not enough or… or something. But we get through it together. He supports me as I battle with the scars of my past.
He also sometimes acts like its the most silly thing to be in a bad mood or have a bad day – that might be a girl/guy/hormone thing… and it can be frustrating to be sighed at instead of hugged…
It sounds to me like your FI may have had [a] negative experience
in the past with strong emotions. This might be something he needs to work through as well. Everyone comes into a relationship/marriage with baggage. The important thing is to deal with the baggage before it sinks the ship instead of building all sorts of pontoons and excessive float-y thingys to artifically hold the ship up that can easily be broken and um… I dont think that metaphor worked very well. Point is that its important to deal with the baggage and past before the past creates issues in the future. As our consellors described it to us, It is often that people deal (fight) with issue “A”, when issue A is only a by-product of un-resolved issues B and C which in turn are caused by issue K-L from the distant past.
Also, some guys I think just have NO idea how to deal with crying girls… Its a skill that needs to be learned. Maybe he just doesnt realize its something he needs to do.
I can speculate all I like but I’m unlikely to be correct XD
Seriously though – as long as you are both committed to each other and to your relationship and future marriage, you WILL get through this, you WILL figure out a way to work through your backgrounds and reconcile yourselves to creating a new future with the two of you and leaving your pasts behind. You CAN do this. 🙂
As the book we worked through said (something along these lines):
“The single most important thing in a marriage is the determination that it shall continue.”
Also, you are emotional, he is not emotional – you guys may have to find a compromise maybe he can just be with you and hug you while you are crying and then you can talk when the tears are out. Whatever you guys do – if it works for BOTH of you, then it works NO MATTER WHAT anyone else says. We were told of one couple who had a very happy [monogomous] marriage and lived on opposite sides of Canada – it worked for them. If however, it does not work for ONE of you (no matter how well it works for the other person) then it is not working and you guys will have to try something else.
You guys can figure it out 🙂
(and… if you are okay with it… let me know how it goes – its this afternoon right?)