Post # 1
I just got back from vacation with my FI and his family. For a bit of a background, I have been with my FI for 6 years and we are (finally!) getting married next year. I have always adored his family, especially his mother. I’ve never felt anything but love from her and for her.
HOWEVER. During this vacation, I wanted to KILL FMIL (figuratively of course). She complained about everything, the weather, the heat, the humidity, the food, the drinks, etc. etc. etc. She spent the entire trip telling everyone what to do and when, she was SO BOSSY. Everyone was ready to kill her by the end of the trip.
The thing is, FI has complained about his mother’s bossiness before and I’ve truthfully noticed it before, but it was never as pronounced as this past week where it felt like every minute was being micromanaged by her. FI’s sister’s husband (FBIL) has always had a strained relationship with her, she sees him as controlling and bossy, he feels as though she’s trying to butt her way into their business and has the guts to tell her to stop.
I’ve never felt this way about FMIL before and now I’m seriously worried that our relationship will be forever colored by this experience. I always thought that FBIL was exaggerating or took things too personally, but now I TOTALLY get what he’s been saying for years. I’m really nervous that our relationship will be more like FBIL’s than I ever thought.
Anyone else experience something similar to this?? Words of wisdom or advice??
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I think your relationship with her will be changed by this experience, but maybe you can learn something from FBIL.
My FBIL (same as yours- FI’s sister’s husband) also doesn’t have patience for FMIL- can you respond differently than he does? Ex: “Thanks FMIL, that’s a great suggestion, I’ll take it into consideration.” or “We’ve decided we’re going to the beach this morning, but we’ll meet up with you after lunch,” etc??
Your situation has some similarities to mine- FI ends up just ignoring his Mom, which isn’t what I want to do. A nice chat with future aunt-in-law helped me realize how best to deal with her- is there another family member who would be open to helping you figure out how to best handle her?
Post # 5
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Vacations are always hard… after spending enough time cooped up with the same people, you all start to go nuts. Unless she plans to move in with you, I think you’ll be fine after spending some time apart.
Best wishes 🙂
Post # 6
@supervixen: I have one of those too. The best thing for you to do is be thankful that you are not with her every day! Maybe have a chat with your FI about how you understand his viewpoint now, and ask how involved he envisions them in your lives? Having boundaries and expectations will keep much of the anxiety at bay, because you’ll know what’s coming your way.
Try not to let this vacation ruin your relationship with her. The woman is still as nice as she always was, just a pain in the ass for long periods of time. Anyone can be like that, no matter who they are.
Post # 7
I am sooooooo nervous. When i first started dating FI I could tell she did not like me one bit, because I am so not what she or any of his family pictured his girlfriend would be like. I’m completly different from them but when she realised I wasn’t going anywhere and that I was really trying to fit in with them she opened up and we developed a really good relationship. However she just got a divorce, FI’s dad cheated on her, but she has become really bitter, and I don’t blame her for that. But she is always taking her bitterness out on my relationship with FI. She has 2 older children from a previous marriage and her son is in a horrible marriage and her daughter doesn’t believe in relationships so they are bitter with her and I can’t stand to be the same room with all of them because I can’t even hold FI’s hand without them making comment! It also doesn’t help that he is really the only man in her life that hasn’t her and I’m taking him away and I can tell she is peeved about that, she always insists that he ride with her or sit next to her or stay home with her when I haven’t seen him in over a week!!! I just don’t know what to do, I feel like she is against our marriage. The only advise I have is keep your comments to yourself and be thankful you don’t have to see her everyday. And if it gets to hard to keep your mouth shut get your point across in the most polite way possible because sadly when you marry a man you marry his mom 🙁
Post # 8
thanks for the advice ladies, i’m going to try and chalk up her behavior to just being miserable in the heat for a week… the last thing i want is to be annoyed by her every time i see her (which is quite often).
FI and i had a talk while we were on vacation and we agreed that we need to start stepping up our “front” and be more “unified” so that FMIL will (hopefully) begin learning that she can’t control us or our decisions. we don’t want to wind up like FBIL and FSIL-hating her guts and at the mercy of her bossiness.
i think one of our major problems is that we both live at home with our parents (wah wah-we’re trying to save money! real estate is super expensive where we live) so FMIL still “takes care of” FI and therefore has a say in his decisions. it probably also doesn’t help that FI is the “baby” of his family… lol.
@alyssaC: i’m so sorry that your FMIL’s behavior is so rude! 🙁 i hope that you and your FI can work through it so that it becomes less of a problem…