Post # 1
I am nervous to tell my mom that I’m pregnant-to the point where it stresses me out and I cry about it. DH & I have been married 4 years together for 10. We have been planning this for about 6 years (just between him & I). I feel like she will try to take over my whole pregnancy! She has always been overprotective & a bit of a control freak. One day she texted me & said she hadn’t heard from me or DH in a while (maybe 3-4 days) so I replied that we both have been sick. Literally just we both have been sick. Within 30 minutes she’s knocking on our front door with chicken noodle soup & 7up! (Didnt ask if we needed anything). When we got engaged and told her, her reaction was happy, but then she started ordering around who we needed to call & tell first (family wise) before we announced it on Facebook. (People I’ve never really been close with).
I am dreading telling her because I fear she’ll try to take over my pregnancy and tell me who we need to tell, always be texting me and coming over.
How do I nicely tell her to leave me alone & to let me do things the way DH & I want?
Post # 2
1) Wait until you’re several months along to tell her (like, maybe even 4 or 5).
2) Give her a false due date, a couple of months later than when you’re really due. Even my relatively normal and sweet mom got insufferably over-involved at the end of my first pregnancy, and I swear I am not going to give her the true due date for any future ones. It’s self-defense, a way of creating some protective space around yourself for when you’ll need it.
3) Practice the following statements:
“Thank you for sharing your thoughts. DH and I have discussed this and we’ve made up our minds.”
“I trust what my care provider has told me about that (re. caffeine, eating fish, exercise, whatever).”
“That’s between me and my doctor/midwife.”
“Thanks for the suggestion, let me think about that and talk it over with DH. We’ll let you know what we decide.”
Post # 3
AnonBlondeBee: first of all, CONGRATS!!!!!
second my mom can be a control freak. i would be honest with her.
share the good and happy news with her, let her have a moment of excitement and then be honest and calm and just say something like “mom, i love you and i know that you can be very over protective at times but please just relax and know that you don’t have to check on me 24/7. Its very easy to get overwhelmed and stressed and I want to have a healthy and calm pregnancy. I have DH who takes wonderful care of me, so no need to worry and check up on me all the time. ”
just make her feel loved but at the same time that she has to know her boundaries.
Post # 4
First off, dry those tears and celebrate! You’re pregnant! Yeah!
So tell your mom that you’re preggers just like you would if she wasn’t a control freak “HEY MA! I’M PREGNANT! SQUEEE!” Or something of the sort. Then when she starts the bossy behavior, put your foot down in a kind way. “Mom – I love you. Thanks so much for caring about who gets called and how the shower is arranged. I love your help. But I’ve decided that I’m already doing it in the XYZ way. I would still love your help and I’m wondering if you could do ABC?”
The key is to put your foot down so that you’re calling the shots but not making her feel like she’s completely cut out or unwelcome in the process. The best thing you can do is tell her what decisions you’ve made rather than run decisions by her. ‘”Oh thank you for thinking of that. But DH and I already decided on EFG for that.”
It is possible she’ll feel this power shift and not like it. She may try to say that you act like you don’t want her help. But to avoid that, ask her for help on things before she brings it up. For example, “Mom, do you mind calling the restaurant to book the party room for April 15th? Why? Oh that’s where I want the shower to be.”
If she does call you out on the power shift, then just tell her as nicely as you can that you plan to be the one making all the pregnancy and baby related decisions.
Post # 5
Also, about her showing up without calling first… you need to clearly tell her that she needs to call first.
Post # 6
Give her something to do- I had my mom sew curtains for the nursery. Keeping my mom busy helped her to focus on the tasks I gave her and not obsess about other stuff so much.
Post # 7
KCKnd2: I wouldn’t do your #2. Because if she tells her a false due date a few months later than she is, her mother will freak out when she has the baby and think it is premature. As a mother of a premie myself that is not something you should be lying to people about. There many complications that can arise when a baby is a premie. This is not a really good one and I would never ever advise doing the lying of due date especially by a few months.
OP, I would wait until you are well into your 2nd trimester to say something
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I have similar issues, but I’ve already placed my mother at a VERY long arm’s distance. I just have no iterest in dealing with her antics. We are not pregnant yet, but we’ve already decided that we will tell her when I am obviously showing, and not a momet sooner. We will also continue to keep her at a distance. Hoestly, my first pregnancy was all abot my motehr, how she was going to be a grandmother, how excited she was, how she was going to buy this and that, how I was going to do this or that because she said so, etc. I have no desire to, once again, be her pregnancy proxy. It’s not my fault that my dad cut her off at 2 kids when she aways wanted more.
Anyway, boundaries… firm boundaries.. are what has heled me.
Post # 9
AnonBlondeBee: If I could do this all over again, I would. My 2nd is going to be so much different. My MIL was a horror show to deal with during my pregnancy. I told her after 5 weeks, and for the next 30+ weeks I had to deal with phone calls, texts, belly rubs, and demands. It was truly a horrible experience.
Next time I plan to wait to tell the parents. I want to wait until I either show or until after I find out the gender. I will also be setting rules right then and there and reminded MIL that I wasn’t interested in belly rubbing before, and nothing has changed, and I would appreciate space. Yeah, she may get pissed, but it’s a whole heck of a lot better than what I initially dealt with. We (meaning her son and I) are the sole bearers of grandkids for her since her daughter doesn’t want kids, so it’s made 10x worse for us.
Post # 10
AnonBlondeBee: I know how ya feel and am currently there lol. I’ll be 15w in 2 days and we waited until just after 12w to tell our parents because my mom is the same as your mom and DH dad is the same….. I was also concerned about MC and getting scans done to make sure it was all ok before we told because we knew once the parents found out it would basically be a gong show and neither one would keep the secret for more then 30 minutes.
My mom happens to live on the other side of the country and still…its overwhelming. Shes had a LOT of time to think about things and see ALL her friends be grandmas and she hears all the stories from them about “well things are done differently these days” and Im constantly getting frustrating calls/texts about random stuff that has no relevance right now ie: “you better allow your child to have juice….so and so’s wife wont even let her have any sugar at all even juice, even though they will tell you to you shouldnt put the baby on their back to sleep because it will cause flathead, you were on your stomach and you were fine,” etc etc etc….and she gets SO WORKED UP its like OMG CALM DOWN!!! The baby isnt even here yet!
When we skyped to tell them… she started asking questions like “so …ok…well how long are you going to come home for next summer for ____ wedding? obviously it has to be longer then normal, how many weeks are you thinking? you should really make it long so the family can spend time with the baby…” I was like DUDE…..Im JUST telling you Im pregnant….NO I have not made nor have thought about travel plans for over a year from now….chill—out!
It’s hard because they get so excited…. but I like to drop hints about a lot of stuff. One of the first things I talked about casually was how DH was going to take a week off when the baby was born so we could have some nice private bonding time….and that DH wants to talk about whens a good time for “houseguest” visitors etc….because I knew she was going to get right into the “we wanna be there for the birth…I want to be there when you get home” but…. they would either have to stay with us…or pay for accomodations, so….. both DH and I dont want anyone staying with us the 1st 2 weeks PERIOD! You wanna come and help me? then you need to give me a chance to figure out what I need FIRST because ppl in my face constantly asking when I dont even know yet will just frustrate me!
Try to drop subtle hints about random things to plant a seed.
we also arnt giving anyone a firm due date…. they know its mid-end february but we just said “nowadays its more of a range of 2 weeks because EDD dont actually mean anything anyways…babies rarely come that day”, so that way when that day or the day before comes they wont all be freaking out calling and texting every 5 seconds asking if Im in labor! Im due Feb 19th and we said roughly the 15th-24th lol
It’s times like these I really want wine :s good luck
Post # 11
Thank you for the ideas! I was wondering if anyone else had advice or similar situations they would like to share.
Post # 12
From the daughter of a controlling mother –
You don’t say it nicely, you say it firmly.
Excuse me, my FI and I will share the news of our engagement as we see fit.
Excuse me, you may not come over without calling first.
Post # 14
*bump* My grandmother(my mom passed away) is like this …with our wedding she just took over and is so controlling and hard to be around. DH and I are TTCing and I feel that I should keep it a secret or lock myself in a closet until ready to have the baby.