Nervous about telling the in-laws

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@awakemysoul:  there have been a few posts like this on the bee. it seems many women recommended maybe not telling them in person. Because then they would have time to settle the news on their own. Or perhaps you SO should tell them himself… If you are worried about YOUR reaction.

There’s no easy way to get over it. You kind of have to go in and know they will likely be unsupportive an not let it get to you. If it’s going to be that horrific and they’re going to make rude comments, if it were me, I would find another way to them other then in person.

Sorry you have to deal with that!

Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@awakemysoul:  I’ve never been pregnant, but I can definitely relate to you having a strained relationship with your in-laws. DH and I recently visited his parents (who live a good 3-hour plane ride away), and we had just broken the dissapointing news that DH had been laid off from his job. It was a difficult trip with several hard conversations (my MIL is super critical), but DH and I came out of it actually feeling pretty good, because we prepared in advance. I think the key is to have a talk with your DH beforehand about your strategy for telling the in-laws your big news. Make sure that you and your DH are on the same page about everything, so that you’re united as a team. I don’t know if you experience this, but my MIL is constantly trying to get between me and DH, so when we presented ourselves as a united front, it made a  huge difference.

I’m sorry if this is vague. I don’t have time to type more but I wanted to lend my support to you. How exciting that you’re expecting! Remember: this is YOUR news. YOUR family. YOUR new baby. It doesn’t matter one bit that your in-laws “aren’t ready to be grandparents”. None of their business! They don’t get to tell you when to start your family based on how they feel.

Post # 5
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Why do you even HAVE to tell them if they are such negative people and probably won’t be happy for you0 or supportive anyway.  Make a phone call if you really want to tell them now and let your hubby do the talking.  That way you can get their response/reaction second hand and although it will hurt if they say anything negative, you an control your emotions since you’re not face to face with them.  I am the same way, if people say hurtful things to me, I feel I have to say how I feel and it might not come out the nicest so it;s best to not be with them in person when you break the news.

My father is not the most supportive person and we aren’t very close but when I get pregnant I never tell him… he always hears it from other people (my grandmother, my sister or my mom..who are all supportive and loving).

Post # 6
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My parents aren’t the most supportive people either.  They seem to criticize everything I do, even if it’s great things like graduating from university or buying a house.  So, I decided that rather than always be upset with their reactions, I just don’t bother telling them.  They’ll figure it out on their own.  I don’t see the point in breaking news that is supposed to be great and then having to deal with all the negativity.  Especially because I’m not seeking their approval, just looking to share news.

My relationship with my inlaws went way south during our wedding planning.  To the point we don’t speak.  I’m not pregnant yet, but I’m almost dreading the day because of having to deal with their reactions.  At this point, my DH can talk to them on his own because I know I will just get upset and probably say something I shouldn’t.

I wouldn’t bother sharing the news if you’re used to getting terrible reactions and you think that will upset you.  Not worth the emotions in my opinion.  There are enough people who will be overjoyed to hear it and those are the ones you want to share with!  If you guys would rather tell them together though, then I agree with PP and you should definitely present a united front and go in with low expectations.  If they are surprisingly happy, great!  And then if they give you the same reactions as you expected, well that’s sucky but at least you saw it coming.  Some people are just negative.

Post # 8
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

You’re making the right decision in telling them, FWIW; the blowback from keeping it a secret or delaying telling them, I’d imagine, would be even worse. The suggestion of not telling them in person is a good idea. My next suggestion, if it needs to be in person, is just keeping the visit very brief. And practice saying; “I’m sorry that you feel that way.” No matter what hurtful thing they throw at you, you can auto-reply with that before beating a hasty retreat.

That said, even the most foolish people often have trouble criticizing the coming of a baby. Of course, you’d know them better – on one hand, maybe their comments were more about their own fear of growing older and less about how prepared they see the two of you as being (I could say the same about your engagement/marriage; fear of being ‘old’). Maybe they really are just people who won’t approve of your decisions no matter what is done.

I’m not pregnant yet, but trying. Absolutely no one knows about it. My family knows I intend to ever have kids, as I’m storing some baby-related crap there. My in-laws are blissfully unaware and they’ll stay that way until the day I announce I’m pregnant.

Post # 9
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@awakemysoul:  

 I’ve told my mom, sister, brother & SIL and a few close friends. Everyone’s been so supportive & excited for us except for my mom, which really caught me off guard. We flew back east together this weekend & I told her when we were at the airport waiting for our plane. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Mom I’m pregnant

Mom: Are you sure? How do you know? Did you pee on one of those things at home?

Me: Yes mom, AF is 3 weeks late, all of my HPT’s were BFP’s, my boobs are growing, all of the signs are there. 

Mom: Oh, its just so soon.

I have no idea what that was supposed to mean, I told her this spring that DH & I were going to TTC this summer. My sister has 2 kids & my brother & his wife are expecting their first in September, so its not like she’s not used to her kids telling her they are expecting. It just set a really bad tone for our weekend together because she literally was not excited for me at all. DH’s parents live 70 miles away & I know he wants to tell them in person. We haven’t decided when, maybe after the u/s so we can show them the pic’s? This will be their first grandbaby so I know they are going to be over the moon when they find out. I’m really looking forward to their reaction.

When DH & I got engaged I was terrified to tell his parents, (they were not big fans of me) I had knots in my stomach, I was a wreck. I had no idea how they were going to react but I just knew that it wouldn’t be good. To their credit they were extremely excited & supportive when we told them over dinner. So I guess you never know how it’ll turn out.

GL with announcing to your IL, keep us posted on how it goes!

 

Post # 10
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

 

Firstly, they may react completely different to how you expect. When FI and I first got engaged, we spoke about having a small, intimate wedding. Future in-laws (specifically FFIL) FLIPPED. Said it was pathetic, and that we hated the extended family (we don’t). We left it at, “this is what we want.” Then we decided to elope…. And we’re panicking about what they would say. But they were SO EXCITED for us. Completely threw us. I couldn’t believe how happy they were. 

 
So, go see them. But be as excited as you naturally are! Tell them they are going to be grandparents the same way you would tell someone with cancer they are cured! Present a united front. An EXCITED united front. And even if they are negative, remember that your husband is by your side. He has chosen you. 
 
Also, congratulations on your family of three! 

Post # 11
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

My mom made the same wise crack “I’m not ready to be a grandparent” yet. A few days later I told her about my infertility problems and she was crushed for me. I think saying they aren’t ready is just an gut reaction but in reality they will be thrilled. With my MC I was actually visiting my parents and my mom was actually legit sad for me. I bet they will be thrilled to have a grandchild! And if they aren’t well, its not worth getting upset over. Its their loss to miss out on this exciting time in your family’s life. Best wishes dear!

Post # 13
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@awakemysoul:  Aww I’m glad it went well! (Though I’ve no idea what FIL’s comment meant).

Post # 15
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@awakemysoul:  MIL has been bothering us for a while about a grandbaby, so we thought, out of anyone, she would be over the moon excited.

We taped my pregnancy tests inside a box and had she and FIL open the box together, and she looked at him and said, “You know what these are right?” He said, “yeah, but I don’t know how to read them.” She said, “It means they are pregnant.” He said, “Oh” and walked away (to give him some credit before we left DH siad he saw a twinkle in his dad’s eye and his dad said congrats). She smiled and started reading the array of stickers my husband taped to the box. I mean are you freaking kidding me? Your son is about to become a dad and you’re more concerned with that the stupid stickers say?!

I was less than impressed, but its ok. His sister was really, really excited and so were both of my parents 🙂

 

Post # 16
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Happy it went better than expected! Hopefully, this can be a start to a more supportive relationship with them. My family was never close with my brother’s wife, but when they had a baby, the relationships changed, everyone made more of an effort towards her because she is in our lives forever now. Hopefully, your IL’s make the same realization and try harder with you.

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