Post # 1
Hi lovely ladies!
I’ve been with my guy for over two years and we still have, at absolute minimum, another year and a half to go before we are able to move in together, and for him to start saving up for a ring. This is due to school/job situations. I’m trying to come to terms with that somewhat lengthy amount of time compared to what we’ve already been through, but lately it’s been pretty difficult.
Everyone around me is getting engaged/married/having kids and even my boyfriend was just asked to be the Best Man at a friend’s wedding. While I’m happy for him, I feel pretty left out in the whole wedding department. I have never even been a bridesmaid. When I was ten, I was a flower girl for my half-sister, but I think it was because she felt bad for my father had she not included us.
So how have you handled this sort of situation? Any tips are greatly appreciated. It’s pretty darn frustrating not being involved in any wedding activity at all, but still looking around thinking, “When is it my turn?”
Post # 3
I have somewhat of a similar situation. SO has a year and a half before he’s done with medical school, so he won’t be able to start saving for a ring until then 🙁
The only things that have really helped me cope is 1. Keeping myself busy ( I’m in nursing school) which is a GOOD distracter and 2. At some point I just had to completely open up to SO and tell him how depressed it was making me that EVERYONE else was getting WHAT I WANTED. Surprisingly, he totally understood and now, he doesn’t let too much time pass by with out reassuring me that “our time” is getting closer every day and how he can’t wait to marry me! Which REALLY helps.
Hugs*** hope this helps 🙂
Post # 4
@chevaldame: I definitely get how bad and frustrating those feelings are. What works for me is actually taking of my mind of wedding stuff.
I have school, ministry, family, work and of course my AMAZING FI. Embrace what you have! I was longing for the ring in my hand but I realized I had a man, a beautiful man who loved me more than anything. That’s what got me through, texting him everynight “one day closer for us to be together”…
Post # 5
@chevaldame: I get waiting to marry/combine finances until school, jobs, other random ducks congregte in a row (especially for men). But why delay engagement? If you know it’s going to happen why not just have a long engagement? I’m in a similar position as are many many of the waiting bees on here. Have you talked to him about that possibility with a very inexpensive starter ring? It just seems engagement strengthens your bond, relieves the anxiety you feel and allows for completely open communication about your future without the awkwardness of thinking he might not be sure. I’m getting major verbal improvement on a speeded up engagement by talking that through with my SO. I don’t think he understood how much it hurt me/made me crazy anxious with no timeline at all. The SIU pact only lasted 3 weeks for me but I think it made today’s fall off the wagon more productive. Of course I have to re-up again now!
PS I’m still not engaged so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Post # 6
@SomedaymrsWDS: I appreciate your advice! My guy has said several times that he doesn’t see the point in a “starter” ring because it doesn’t mean we’re officially engaged and it’s a materialistic symbol. At one point in a conversation regarding jewelry/rings, he said, “I’ll buy you a necklace if that’s what it takes to satisfy your girly need to have a physical symbol that I love you if that’s what you want”
At one point, we had a discussion after an ongoing rift (just a day or two) where I said I wouldn’t mention weddings/engagements/future stuff anymore because it always leads to the same basic discussions. He isn’t the biggest fan of “promise rings” and such because I gather he thinks they’re silly.
Post # 7
ALSO: He wants to live together before he proposes. In his mind, it’s the last thing necessary before proposal to make sure we’re compatible. His most recent timeline is: Us graduating a year and a half from now, finding jobs in the same town, moving in together and living together for AT LEAST six months before he proposes.
Post # 8
@chevaldame: Same for me everyone is was getting engaged/married around me. My SO was/ is the same way wanted to live together, finish school and DEF does not believe in starter rings but I agreed with him there I wanted my ring to be my forever ring. To took a lot out of me to wait this long we are at 7.5 years. Wine has helped.
But what really helped is a lot of short term goals/ events. A concert that was in a month. A quick getaway weekend. A birthday, a new book. The list went on and on I just liked to set something up that i could look forward to and keep my mind occupied. I’m also super crafty and artsy I have had a ton of projects going lately.
Post # 9
@chevaldame: Go and read some irrational bride threads on here and that will cure you of wanting to be a bride or a bridesmaid for a while.
Post # 10
I am not sure how old you are…I didn’t meet my now husband until I was 34…..so I totally understand what you mean about all your friends getting married, etc. I was single a LONG time! It is hard not to compare yourself to your peers and friends! On the flipside I was in so many freaking weddings over the years. It is over-rated. I can send you some of my dresses! 😉
I will say…Some of my friends who got married years ago are not married anymore. They didn’t pick the right person or got married too young, etc. Its definitely not a race, and look on the brightside…you know who you want to marry!! Enjoy your last year living on your own EVER :).
Post # 11
I’ve been a bridesmaid a couple of times…and the first time I was soo young and in college..I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know WHAT being a bridesmaid was really about and was not as involved as I should have been.
I’ve learned more…but really, it’s a lot of work. Your time will come…and hopefully it’ll be when you are really ready for the responsibility to avoid making any mistakes that you cannot take back!
Post # 12
Not trying to be a debbie downer, but consider yourself lucky you get to attend weddings at all. I’ve only been to one wedding for both the ceremony and reception (and it wasn’t even in English so I couldn’t understand it), and only just the ceremony part for a few cousins weddings when I was younger (too young to care about weddings or understand their significance). I’m worried I’m going to plan a crap wedding because I don’t have much to draw from.
EDIT: Just realised that sounds a bit bitter haha. I don’t mean to be. I have no idea what a bridesmaid even does, apart from stand there and look pretty 😛
Post # 13
Be thankful you’ve never had to be a bridesmaid!!! It’s not that great – you end up spending a lot of money for a crappy dress you’ll never wear again 😉
Post # 14
@j_jaye: Have any good suggestions?! haha
Post # 15
I truly feel empathy for your situation. My SO and I met in Grad School four years ago and only JUST managed to make things work for us both having a job in the same town and the same field we studied in. We’ve been living together for a month, and although I have for years privately cried, screamed in frustration at the sky, and tried to point out all sorts of reasons to my SO that an engagement would be important to me, he has stood firm that we should live together first to make sure we’re truly compatible before getting engaged. He is a big believer in not rushing things and making sure they are correct before moving to the next step.
I would say that eventually I felt the same way he felt – that we need to make sure we take our time to do this big step in our lives the right way; waiting until the ‘right time’ to officially be engaged DOES make sense and doesn’t make me any less cherished by him; and also, it’s important for us to enjoy just being together at each step of our relationship. Life isn’t a saunter and there are many destinations along the way.
now we’re living together, it feels like we are doing things right in the proper order. I look back on the last almost four years and I don’t feel like it was ‘wasted time’ or that we weren’t together, even when there was up to a four hour drive between us. It was really good to get on my feet in the ‘real world’ after school (something he had already done for years) before stepping into a deeper part of our relationship. I told him about two years ago that I considered us ‘pre-engaged’, and that (plus acknowledging that he’s my significant other instead of ‘just’ my boyfriend) helped me emotionally a lot.
Post # 16
@chevaldame: I have to second @hassle_J:.
I was 31 when I met my FI and ALL my friends were past the wedding stage and on to babies (hense my Bee name – LastGirlStanding). So there I was, having missed the wedding boat and now missing the baby train. It was hard to see everyone get what I so desperately wanted.
I’ve been in 5 friends bridal parties and while planning wedding stuff is fun (and great training/research for when your time comes) it’s also stressful, expensive, and puts you in the spotlight for “don’t worry. You’ll be next” comments. Love those. *eye roll*
To stay positive while waiting for your turn – stay positive. Sometimes it was hard for me to be happy for my friends – seeing them get what I wanted led to the green-eyed monster of jealousy. But I’d remind myself that they’d been in the waiting game too, and this was an amazing moment for them (and proof that you don’t wait forever!).
Also, focus on all the great things you HAVE and not on what you don’t have. For me, I had a great job, supportive family, wonderful friends, no student debt, my own home, my own car, freedom to do whatever I wanted, time to sleep in (no kids!) … There were lots of aspects of my life that my friends wished THEY had.
When I felt down, I’d mentally list all the great stuff I HAD. I’d realise how fortunate I was and it would leave me feeling grateful – which is WAY better.