Post # 1
I know I shouldn’t be selfish like this, but I never get cards or gifts for Christmas, Mothers Day, my birthday, Valentines Day, etc. from my Fi or our children. Our oldest 2 are finally getting to the age where they’ll make me a picture on their own, but that’s the extent of it. My FI used to get me a little something in the beginning of our relationship (almost 7 years ago), but it was short lived. I would honestly be happy with a card or if he helped the kids make something for me (not them doing it on their own), but he doesn’t. I love him to death and I always make sure that he has gifts for these occasions and at least a card from the children. I’ve mentioned to him that it hurts me to know that he doesn’t put any effort into doing something nice for me but that didn’t work. When we had our youngest child (she’s 4 months as of yesterday), I rec’d flowers and balloons from his sister/mom, my mom/sister and my dad/stepmom but nothing from him. I literally almost died on the table to have her and nothing from him except a note saying “I love you” on the back of a scrap piece of paper, when I literally fell asleep while talking to him (I was heavily drugged LOL). I guess I just want to feel like I’m appreciated as a mother and (soon to be) wife and IDK how to get it through his thick skull.
Post # 3
@truefrommetoyou: He needs to lift his game.. Whats his reason for this? Especially if you’re making the effort and giving him gifts. So he’s happy recieving them but doesn’t bother to give them?
It’s not about being materialistic, it’s about making you feel loved and appreciated, and he’s being lazy.
I’m not quite sure how the best way to go about making him realise how important this is to you as I don’t know him but in my opinion, you should definitely address this. I would never be ok with that in my relationship. He’s not showing his appreciation of you and that’s not ok.
Post # 4
@Miss_E_xx: His excuse is that we don’t have the money. But with 3 kids, we NEVER seem to have enough money. And he mentions the money issue when I buy him stuff but it only seems to bother him for a split second.
Post # 5
@truefrommetoyou: Hmm look the money thing is a valid reason if it’s legitimate, but if you can find the money for him, i’m sure he could do the same.
Does he acknowledge your birthday in any way? For example if you guys are really stretched for extra cash, would he do something like make a nice meal or a cake or take you all on a picnic? or something to at least make it a special occasion?
It’s a hard one because of course you don’t want to be materialistic but you deserve to be made to feel special, especially when you do that for him. Is there someone else you could talk to about this who could approach it with him? sometimes it’s better coming from someone else!
Post # 6
@Miss_E_xx: I totally understand the monetary aspect of it, but we are not that strapped for cash for every single holiday/birthday. We do go out to dinner on our birthdays, but that’s a family tradition that everyone in our family does. And my mom always pays for the whole family for mine (we’ve been doing it since I was young). He’s a head chef at work so he cooks all day, that’s his reasoning for never wanting to cook anything when he gets home (even though he is an amazing cook). Maybe I’ll have his mom talk to him…
Post # 7
@truefrommetoyou: Talk to him. You say you’ve “mentioned to him” that you want him to make more effort, but I think you need to do more than mention it. You need to spell out how hurtful it is. Sometimes guys totally miss the cues and need it made clear.
Post # 8
@truefrommetoyou: OP keep your mother in law out of your marriage. I realize this is upsetting to you.
If you have a good relationship with you MIL that’s great. But I’ve never been a fan of going to the partners parent for advise on their children. That’s her son, more than likely she may sympathize with you, but her loyalty is and will always be with him. Do not open the door to seeking and getting “advice” on an private issue within your marriage, from in laws.
This is between you and your husband and it should stay there.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Boooooo! Your situation is making me grumpy! You’re going to have to get this through his skull. I volunteer to write him a letter! 🙁
Post # 10
YOu don’t have to have money to get out construction paper, glue and some scissors. Those are staples in the home of anyone that has kids! Money is an excuse. It sounds like he just doesn’t feel like putting in the effort, which isn’t fair. It’s his job as a father to help the kids celebrate you as you deserve to be celebrated, and as you help him. Have yousaked him how he would feel if he woke up on fathers day and noone said a word about it? If the kids totally ignored that it was supposed to be a day to celebrate him and he got nothing as if it were a normal day?
Post # 11
You and I could be the same person. 3 kids, and my DH neer does anything special for special days. We usually go out to eat and he will say happy birthday, but that is about it, maybe a bag (yes a bag-not a box) of candy for v-day. It use to really hurt my feelings, not it just stings a little. But I have to remind myself he wasn’t raised in a house where special days for him were that special. I have talked to him about it and he says that it isn’t because he doesn’t care, that just isn’t something that comes natural for him.
Post # 12
@truefrommetoyou: A card or love letter doesn’t cost anything. He has no excuse for that except laziness!
Post # 13
@truefrommetoyou: I do think it’s important that he shows his appreciation for you and encourages your children to do the same. I honestly think one of the most important jobs a father has is to raise his children to have respect for their mother (and vice versa of course) and if he’s being lazy, it will rub off on your children and that’s not ok. He needs to lead by example and show them how you should treat the people you love.
Post # 14
@truefrommetoyou: I agree with PP, I would talk to him, more than in passing. It is important for both partners to show appreciation for each other (and to teach their children to do the same), but not everyone shows or wants to be shown appreciation in the same ways. Have you heard of love languages? I don’t know how scientific they are, but I think it’s interesting and useful to think about the different ways people show and prefer to be shown love.
It does seem like your FI might not be showing you appretiation in any ways, but maybe there are a few that you haven’t quite seen that way. I think a little note that says I love you even if it’s on scratch paper is pretty sweet, but I love things like that. Some people prefer gifts, others compliments, others hugs. Of course, if he’s not showing you appreciation in any form that’s a big issue! I hope you guys can figure this out soon.