- 4 years ago
*sigh* So, it’s been an interesting rollercoaster since I moved out here to CA to be with my love. Many ups – we have this incredible, rocksteady relationship and bond and enjoy being together so, so much. But the downs have been QUITE down. I have found some work freelancing, but so far I’m not making much money. Although I am significantly happier professionally than I was, the unpredictability of my paychecks is starting to get to me. He’s interning and making a decent amount doing so, but his company will not be hiring him and are basically keeping him on as a favor to his family – so we’re counting our freaking blessings because this is a very unique situation. He’s got a master’s degree and you’d think he’d have gotten an interview by now, but despite applying and applying and applying to jobs he hasn’t even gotten a single callback.
We live in an apartment we can’t afford. His parents are helping us pay the bills. I feel like a total ass about this. I’ve *always* taken care of myself, since I was 18 and especially since I graduated from college. I could barely afford to eat a few months ago, but at least I could pay for everything that was mine. Not the case now. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for the fallout. I hate that we can’t pay rent or have healthcare without his parents helping us out… especially since they aren’t really that happy about it. He’s an only child, so there aren’t other siblings in the mix, but still. He’s 25 and so am I, and I think it’s ridiculous that we can’t support ourselves.
For months he’s been talking about a pre-Thanksgiving proposal. He wants to introduce me to his family as his future wife then. But the more I think about it, the more embarrassed I think I’d feel to wear a ring when we can’t even pay our rent. I mean, how ridiculous is that? And where would the money for a ring even come from – his father? With how pushy and opinionated his parents are, then they’d be the one picking me ring – not him, not me, not us.
So yesterday I finally sat down with him and said, look – I want to marry you. That’s never been a doubt in my mind since pretty much the second week into dating each other. But I don’t want a proposal until we are able to support ourselves. I’ve already done the “playing house” thing with one guy and it was a disaster. If this is going to happen, I don’t want it until it makes sense.
Honestly, wedding planning and marriage are so beyond my scope of thinking right now anyway. I want a full-time job with career options and a steady income. I want him to have the same thing. I don’t want his parents in our business and telling us what to do and how to do it and why everything we’re doing is wrong. I won’t lie when I say this is NOT how I imagined things coming out here… I thought this internship was actually going to become a full-time job. *sigh*
Sorry for all the venting but I’ve only been talking to my mom about this and I know if there’s one place I can rant about this crap safely, it’s the Bee. Not sure if I’m looking for advice so much as moral support. I know I have more than a lot of people do – I am very thankful that his parents are providing the support they currently do. I’m just not used to relying on anyone for anything, and it’s making me feel like a shitbag.
I just applied to 6 jobs, so *crossing my fingers*