Never thought it would happen to me….:(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

IF you stay together, you’re going to need LOTS and LOTS of counceling.  I think everyone can attest to the fact that once you’re cheated on you’re whole relationship is sour.  You become jealous, and he shuts down.  I’ve even had friends in your situation where there was never physical contact, but they became insecure and a tad pyschotic.  Seek professional help.

Post # 5
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

*hugs* I’m so sorry you have to go through this. No one deserves to be treated this way.

You only just found out about this so you need to allow yourself to be sad, upset, angry, anything you want to feel. It’s all totally normal! And it’s normal to be unsure if you want to salvage anything at this point… you need some time to heal before you can decide if you can allow yourself to trust him again after this. You said there are some issues in your marriage so if you do decide to go ahead and work on things then I would definitely recommend some counselling.

Good luck and huge hugs!

 

Post # 6
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is crazy! Will he go to counseling with you?

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@anonnnnn888:  This is one of the situations where he isn’t sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. He would still be doing it if you hadn’t figured out what he was up to, and who is to say that he won’t start doing it again? Personally I don’t buy that he didn’t meet any of the girls, and what he did was cheating because he betrayed the sanctity of your relationship.

This speaks to a bigger issue – when he’s feeling anxious/stressed/or whatever (which are just excuses in my opinion), he seeks out comfort from outside the relationship. His first point of contact should be you – he won’t resolve issues in your marriage by stepping outside it. I don’t think you are judging him too harshly at all – he made it clear your relationship was not a priority for him and you deserve better from someone who just said vows to you.

I am so sorry this happened – I am outraged for you. I hope that you make the decision that is best for you long term and not what feels easier now. I really believe in the premise of short term pain for long term gain. The rest of your life is a long time to live with doubts and resentment and trust is so hard to build back up once it has been shattered. I agree with a PP that you two would need counseling and only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Post # 8
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow, I’m so sorry you are going thought This! 

But please don’t “try to be happy” the day after you just discovered this.. It’s not possible. Your life just got turned upside down. If you think you’re happy you’re lying to yourself and tying to sweep it under the rug, and that’s not healthy.

For me personally, my view on my partner would be forever soured, and there’s no amount of apologizing he could do to make me forgive him. Let alone after ONE day. IF you choose to stay with him, and that’s a big IF, give yourself time.. And space possibly.

Post # 9
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@anonnnnn888:  *Please* do not make excuses for him or take him crying to mean he’s truly sorry. He’s sorry because he got caught.

This wasnt him messaging one girl one time, his deception is pretty well-evolved: multiple girls, calling/texting, fake emails and even a fake facebook. I’m sorry OP but I do not buy for one goddamned minute this is about him feeling “stressed.” He’s being a player, plain and simple, and it sounds like he’s a pretty advanced one at that.

You might be able to excuse texting with a girl he used to know or something if he was feeling lonely…soliciting women online for photos and pretending to be single? You’re dealing with a grade-A douchebag.

I’d get out. Not only do I not believe there is any way you’ll ever trust him again, but I also feel that this behavior will continue.

Post # 10
Member
8425 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*HUGS*  I’m sorry you had to find something like this out, but at least you know what the problem is and you can move forward now.  I personally don’t think that being stressed is an excuse to cheat.  Sorry, but those two things don’t add up.  People get stressed all the time and find other ways to deal with it.  If that’s what he does when he’s stressed, what’s he going to do when he’s tempted?  IF you decide to stay with him, he needs to understand that he has to bust his ass to earn your trust back.  Anything less than completely transparent and honest is unacceptable.

Post # 11
Member
10992 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I believe your relationship can be fixed. However, I agree with some prior posters that you both are going to need some serious counseling after this.  Also, and this is HUGE — your DH MUST have accountability not only to you but also to a third party, and that third party must be someone who is a man and who is very trustworthy.

If your husband wants to remain in his marriage and to try to move forward to make it work with you, he is going to have to be willing to surrender a lot of his privacy when it comes to his cell phone, iPad/tablet (if he has one), computer, e-mail, passwords, facebook, etc. He not only has to willingly choose to abandon these behaviors that have been destroying the foundations of fidelity and trust in your marriage but also he has to remove himself from the temptation to find new ways of doing what he has been doing.

You have a long road ahead of you, but I believe there is hope if you’re willing to forgive and he is willing to change.

I don’t know what your belief system is.  However, if you are a person of faith, I would encourage you to talk with someone in authority at your house of worship.  Also, I highly recommend two, online, faith-based resources that are designed to help couples build, strengthen, and repair their marriages:

http://www.familylife.com

http://www.randsomedheart.com

I wish you both the best in trying to rebuild your marriage.  HUGS!!

Post # 13
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You shouldn’t be making excuses for this man, I don’t believe in divorce, but in this case I would do it. He’s not going to be truthful to you, you caught him in a big lie. I am pretty sure anxiety about your marriage wouldn’t make any guy try to find another woman, this is all too fishy.

Post # 14
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@anonnnnn888:  hopefully counseling will get him to see that he did cheat. If it’s wrong enough that you hide it, and cry when someone finds out, it’s cheating

Post # 15
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@anonnnnn888:  What anxiety has he had since you got married?!

 

I’m so sorry about this, but I see a real problem with him saying he’s sorry but not thinking he cheated.  This is not porn, it’s communicating with women and even if he didn’t have sex with them this is NOT OKAY.  It sounds like he’s getting over being sorry (which I agree with PP he only said because he got caught) a little too fast for it to be in earnest.

 

Best of luck OP, drag him to counseling ASAP.

Post # 16
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry.

Please always remember, it isn’t your fault in any way and you do not deserve that.

However you choose to deal with this is completely up to you. My advice is though to remember that you only have one life to live, limited time on this earth… and the world is full of wonderful people who would never, ever do this to another person. If you are a person like that, I think you deserve a person like that too. And I don’t believe it is ever “too late.”

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