Never thought of being a mother until now…Help and advice needed!

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

BelleEtoile:  I haven’t experienced the ‘aha’ moment as i’ve always known I want children but I don’t think its unusual for your feelings to change as you get older. You still have plenty of time so if I were you, I’d just sit on it for a while, maybe eventually start looking in to what your options would be if you did decide it was something you wanted and see if that makes those feelings stronger or if it was/is just a passing thing.

Just because it was something you didn’t want in your twenties, doesn’t mean you can’t have a change of heart! How does your FI feel about children?

Post # 4
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I had a teacher (who was also my neighbor and friend) in high school who did not want kids. Her and her husband were really happy without children of their own, and of course, she was a teacher so she was always around high school kids. Then all of her friends started having kids, and she started having doubts…they were in their thirties…then all of a sudden she decided to try to get pregnant. She is now a very happy mother, and he’s a very happy father, of a sweet little girl. The dad posted something on facebook a few months ago about how much having a daughter changed his life, and he honestly never thought that he would ever be a father but now she’s his whole world and it was kind of a tear-jerker post, lol.

Post # 5
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also, happy belated birthday!

Post # 6
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

BelleEtoile:  Ok well in that case I think you guys should maybe have a discussion and like I said, sit on it for a while and see if those feelings grow stronger. At 31 I don’t think you’re necessarily in a position where you have to make a decision right now, which is good as its something you obviously want to consider carefully!

Is it possible that you never thought you’d want them before as it just wouldn’t have been the right thing for you at that stage of your life? Maybe settling in to your engagement and the idea of married life has changed your perspective!

Post # 7
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am going through the same thing.  I never wanted kids and still doubt much of the time that I do but I know my husband wants kids and so I go back and forth between accepting our fate and fighting against it.  In the end I know that I have control over when it’s right, but that’s also a scary part.  Heart vs head.  Who will win?  lol

Post # 8
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

BelleEtoile:  What what I’ve seen of other people, the sudden lightbulb desire to have kids isn’t that uncommon for people in your situation. It’s one reason why doctors give women such a hard time if they want to get their tubes tied at a young age, which I’m sure is endlessly frustrating for people who truly don’t want them (but does help the few who will later change their mind).

It sounds like you are in a good position because your fiance is open to either option. So hey, talk more to your doctor, discuss things with your fiance, and look into adoption options. It’s nice to know what the possibilities are, although as the PP said, you should probably think on it for a while to make sure this is a permanent change in your views.

Post # 10
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

I had the “aha” moment when we had a cotraception failure scare.  Normally I’d be banging down the chemist door for the morning after pill, but this time I found myself half hoping I was pregnant and didn’t go to the chemist (not pregnant BTW).  

Before that moment I always thought we might have kids “some time in the future”.  It’s actually what sparked me into really wanting a proposal and marriage because we both want to be married before we have kids… and now I want kids (feels weird even typing that after years of pulling faces at the thought of labour, babies, etc.)!   

Post # 11
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Yeah I was very adamant I did not want children until I was about 25. i don’t know what changed but after that the feeling just grew and it really settled in. I’m 32 now and expecting our first 😉 by the time I was 30 I was really really ready for my life trajectory to change completely. I just had to wait for my OH to catch up! I used to feel like motherhood was a trap for women; i now see it as opening up so many experiences, which I hope will give me real meaning and connect me to the world. It’s funny, isn’t it? It’s a very different kind of life either having or not having them. 

Post # 12
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My parents were child free by choice until they were in their 30s – one day, they were out drinking and started talking about it and realized they both had started thinking they might want kids.

They pulled the birth control goalie and got pregnant with me on the first try. Then they had my brother. My mom got uterine cancer after that but they said they wished they’d had MORE kids.

I also assumed I would be child free until I was around 30. I was still single then but I realized it was something I really wanted. FI and I will be trying about 6 months after the wedding. FI is one of those guys who not only loves babies, but he’s always been big on passing on his genes so he says he’s always known he wanted kids.

My mom said she assumed she would be a bad mother because she doesn’t like other people’s children. She’s not one of those people who plays with babies or loves big groups of kids. She was the greatest mom ever, and she assured me that you don’t need to love hoards of toddlers to love your own. 

Now that I’m about to get married and start trying (I’m 33), I have the worst case of baby rabies ever. It is borderline shocking to me that I feel this way. Especially because I’m super rational and I keep telling myself how much it will change our lives and how hard it will be.

Post # 13
Member
419 posts
Helper bee

CaroBee:  Thank your mom for saying that. I worry sometimes I don’t like other people’s kids enough to be a good mom. I already like my belly monster though. I do wonder if i’m going to go nuts at those kid groups. Oh and I don’t see myself ever liking children singing that high falsetto voice either. Ever. 

Post # 14
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

This doesn’t strike me as uncommon at all. I know more than a dozen women who always claimed they didn’t want children (including myself) at one time in their lives, and every single one of them is now a mother (yes, I also have a daughter). My uni mate A. was adamant that she did not want children, knew that at age six, repeatedly stated that motherhood was the equivalent of slavery, claimed she disliked kids, wanted to be career woman (which she is), etc. Guess what? She is pregnant for the third time, and due in late September/early October. Many, if not most women, undergo dramatic changes in their 30s, and I would not make any permanent, life-altering decisions.

You still have time. Get a few different medical opinions to see if your MS diagnosis would make having children feasible. A former neighbour has epilepsy, and her doctor told her not to get pregnant. She went to a specialist who informed her that it was possible, but with certain risks. Both of her children, a girl and a boy, are healthy.

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Persephone.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Persephone.
Post # 15
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

keesl:  same! I’m not the type to go over and hold babies and throw toddlers in the air and make them laugh.. I was the youngest in my family, so id never been around babies before! :S I told everyone during my teenage years I didn’t want kids, and after I met my husband (19) and we dated and eventually got engaged, (22), I realized how much I loved the idea of building a family with this guy!!

We’ll be married a year this September and I can honestly say I have the baby bug.. BAD! (I’m 23, almost 24 now) I keep having dreams I’m pregnant, keep thinking about it, talking about it with anyone who will listen, Ect.

My husband and I are planning on buying a house within the next year, and he says once all the furniture is moved in and painting is all done and we’re settled in our new home, then that is my green light and we’ll start TTC shortly thereafter. :):):) IM SO EXCITED!!

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