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I could have written your post word for word 4 years ago... substitute residency for law school, and you've basically got the story down exactly.
I'm going to try and dig up some old posts I've written on the subject, but the short answer from my perspective is that ultimatiums are kind of daunting and not really taken very well.
We did a work sheet about communication in LDRs that I think might have saved our relationship about 2 years into it (LDR the whole time!) After that, he moved to be with me and things started moving more smoothly. At least we understood each others expectations better.
I was never going to push him, because I wanted to be sure that he was in exactly the same space that I was, but over time our timelines definitely came closer together (with some compromise on both sides).
Sadly, they've taken down the link to the site I recommend to people because the guy who runs it is deployed :( I'll look around for some resources.
Oh geez, and I almost forgot... Welcome to Weddingbee!
@Mrs. DG, thanks so much for responding! I'm going crazy, and then I feel bad for being crazy about this because it's not the type of person I want to be, and then that makes me feel worse...it's nice to know that other people can empathize.
I think Mr. Bee's plan is a great first step, and I'm going to look for a cached copy of the communication tool for you!
Here's one helpful link:
http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/features/longdistancerelationships.html
Another link related to the now defunct site:
http://www.waiit.com/Long_Distance_Relationships_Statistics
and finally, I think I found a link to the book:
Welcome to Weddingbee!
My recommendation is never give an ultimatum unless you are really ready to lose someone. It sounds as if you are not ready, so the task at hand is probably to have that talk and make it as no-pressure and geared toward compromise as you can. You might have to trade off living with a longer timeline in exchange for getting the committment to commit from him - know what I mean?
Meanwhile for your own well being, try to focus on what you guys DO have together. LDR's are tough but everyone I know who hung in there and lived through it to be together had a VERY strong relationship for the experience so I think that pain involved will be worht it in the end! I wish you the best of luck and am so glad you're here with us! We'll help you get through it, too! 
I second everything Lorienne said..especially about giving an ultimatum. On the practical side, as a recent law school grad, I think that waiting until after you have taken the bar to get engaged and plan a wedding is the best thing you can do. (Although I know you said Spring of the year you graduate). I know several girls who were planning their weddings for directly after the bar exam, and unfortunately, they didn't pass. Take your time and enjoy your relationship as it is, as frustrating as that can be. I hope everything works out for you. And welcome (from a fellow new bee)!
Welcome to Wedding Bee! I have also felt so many of the emotions you wrote about over the course of my 2.5 year relationship. However, I think you shouldn't wait until your 2 year mark to talk about marriage. You have been together with him long enough that you owe it to yourself (and to him) to make sure you are on the same page about your future. I believe that its always important to "check-in" with the person throughout the course of your relationship to make sure that you are both thinking and wanting the same things in the near future. I also know exactly what you mean about relationships when couples have been together for 6 months or a year and then the guy proposed, so you wonder "why can't that be us." I guess all relationships take their own course. Anyway, good luck to you and stay strong, but definitely talk to your bf about your feelings and your thoughts for the future. It won't do either of you any good if you sense that you might have your differences but don't talk them through.
I understand what you are going through.. believe me. I know the waiting is hard.. I am having a rough time myself. But I keep reminding myself this:
The distance is temporary and I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.. so even if I have to wait a few months longer than I want to... its totally worth it.
My DH's Best Man's girlfriend gave him an ultimatum, and he chose to walk. She later took it back. But she moved to Boston, then was upset when he didn't dissolve his life in Cali to go live with her. I think ultimatums are a bad idea because he may WANT to get married, but he may not be able to say WHEN that is. Maybe talking more with your BF about some short term goals (like moving in together, or even just being in the same city) can really help. Instead of focusing on an engagement, focus on other things that are important to you before you get married. That could take some pressure off him while simultaneously moving him closer to you!
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Hi! I've only been reading for a few weeks and haven't posted yet but I'm getting so sick of myself that I'm hoping putting everything down on (virtual) paper will help. You all give such sweet, caring advice, which I know I could use right now.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 16 months. We first started talking about marriage at around 11 months but it was in a very oblique, roundabout way. We're in a situation where there's somewhat of a sense of artificial pressure because we're long distance: he still lives in the city where we met, and I moved away last fall to attend law school. We're able to see each other pretty frequently, but long distance just isn't that fun. I've done LDR before and was reluctant to try it again but he insisted, so we've been doing it for about six months now. It's fine, but I've made it clear that I do not want to graduate law school with nothing to show for it but a long-distance boyfriend: i.e., I need to make sure we are working towards a more serious commitment in order to make the distance feel tolerable. I'm planning to move back to the city where we met and where he still lives once I graduate school in 2012 and I don't want to live together before we're married, so ideally, we would be engaged by winter 2010/spring 2011 so that I can plan for a spring 2012 wedding.
However, I just don't think that's going to happen. I do think he wants to marry me but I am very, very worried that our timelines are completely different. He hasn't said anything directly to make me think that but I have a hunch and I don't want to ignore my intuition just because it's telling me something I don't want to hear. My big fear is that I will feel I have to give him an ultimatum, he won't respond in the way I am hoping for, and then we'll have to break up, because I know I can't issue an ultimatum unless I am ready to walk. I love him very much and would be thrilled to spend my life with him, but having a family is non-negotiable for me and I wouldn't feel comfortable living with him indefinitely/having children with him without being married.
My problem is that I find myself getting so resentful when I hear about other couples getting engaged, particularly ones who have been dating for a much shorter period of time. I know it's so silly to compare myself to other couples but I feel helpless to stop doing it. I don't nag him about a proposal, but I do find myself becoming cold, distant, and shut-off. When I heard about a friend of his who proposed after six months of dating, I wonder why he couldn't have felt as sure about me as his friend did about his now-fiance.
I need some concrete way to not feel so resentful, anxious, and frustrated every time I hear about someone else getting engaged. I'm also wondering if my internal deadlines are a good idea: I'm thinking I will ask him about his timeline around our two-year anniversary (this fall), let him know that I am expecting something within the following six months, and then if nothing happens, breaking up. It would break my heart, but I have to do what's right for me...
PS I am trying to do Mr. Bee's plan which I think is just great, although it's somewhat harder to implement since we are LDR!