New baby and home alone all the time, husband at work…

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@SamanthaLovesJames:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  Do you have any friends or family in the area who may be able to visit you, or, better yet, meet you (and the baby, of course) for lunch or shopping?

Post # 4
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@SamanthaLovesJames:  Whoa. That would not be cool with me. I have an almost-11-month-old (whoa! When did that happen?) Those first few months are so hard and you NEED help and support from your partner. Give me his phone number, I’ll call him 😉

But really. How would he react if you said “next Thursday, I’m going out with so-and-so. I need you to be home by XX time so I can do that. You will need to play with/feed/but baby to sleep.” Then remind him leading up to it “oh, I’m so excited! Thanks so much baby” and then “don’t forget I’m going out tonight.”

Don’t make it an option. 

Post # 5
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m so sorry that this is happening! It seems that you two aren’t at all on the same page. A woman needs lots of attention after having a baby, not just because she is struggling with baby chores, but because her hormones are going crazy! This i’m sure you understand. 

You guys need to talk, and if he isn’t listening, you need someone’s help to get your point accross. Maybe counseling, or one of your parents, preferably his mom so he won’t feel judged. But you’ve for sure got a listening and a respect problem. 

You need help, support, and love from him, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to ask.

Also, I am in Austin as well!

Post # 6
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

He is only doing what you let him get away with. Put your foot down. He works, he does school stuff, and he spends time with his family. THAT is what he signed up for when he decided to become a parent. It’s time to put on his big boy panties and deal.

Post # 7
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lovekiss:  +1. He needs to get his priorities in order. Hint: going out drinking is not on the list. 

Post # 8
Member
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Is he planning on being involved in her life as she grows? Or is that your job to be both parents? Just curious as to how he obtained that mindset that he doesn’t need to be involved during these crucial years. 

Post # 9
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SamanthaLovesJames:  what the hell?! What decade are we in? 

“he said his job is to provide and mine to take care of her”
 
does he not plan to have a connection with his daughter at all? That’s really sad. He needs to take care of his marriage with you or you DD’s parents will not survive as a couple. My dad was like this with my mom (back in the 70s!) and they got separated for a year bc my dad wasn’t facing up to his complete responsibilities as a loving husband and father. It’s not enough to just throw a paycheck at your family every 2 weeks. He needs to be present!
 
Sure, he’s free to go out once in a while with his friends but so are you! And you need time together with and without the baby. That is how all of my friends prioritize things and it is how my DH and I plan to do things when our baby arrives next week.
 
I’m so sorry. 

Post # 10
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SamanthaLovesJames:  Your husband needs a kick up the rear end.

Going out having beer with his friends is not cool – he has a wife and child to support. With a newborn, you are worked literally 24/7. So caring for baby is not only your job – it is also his! Your husband needs to pull his weight by being around, giving you breaks, and helping with things e.g. changing diapers.

I don’t know what to suggest because I my husband was more supportive. Maybe refuse to do his laundry or cooking until he starts helping? I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not. Can someone talk sense into him, e.g. his mother or sister? (((Hugs))) to you.

EDIT: How can he “not come home after work”? That raises alarm bells for me.

Post # 11
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I hate to say this, but whoever earns the money has the power. How you considering working? That way you HAVE to split raising your baby 50-50 and things are equal and fair.

Post # 12
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First… (HUGS) cause I know this is hard / frustrating

But you are not alone… this is a common complaint of many NEW Moms

Truth is, a lot of guys think this way when the First Baby comes along… they ramp up their time on being the primary provider (extra hours at work) and still want their other guy time as compensation for the “extra time” they’ve put in

In reality, they figure us girls have the home front… (which if we analyze it is partly our fault… cause we like to tell them that is true… and as new parents tend to be a bit over protective / momma bear over what we see as “our territory”)

You need to sit your guy down… and explain that what being a Parent means… you did not sign up to be a Single Parent Family.

You need to tell him you APPRECIATE / VALUE what he is doing in regards to bringing in the bacon (guys love to hear THANK YOU and they are contributors)

BUT you also need to tell him that the commitment (aka “exhaustion”) that is raising kids needs to be shared.

Then you guys need to set a schedule that works for both of you

I’m not directly saying that he needs to give up what is on his weekly list, just that he should be more understanding of the things that need to be on your list

For your sanity as a NEW Mom you definitely need / deserve some time on your own… without the baby in tow

Likewise, the two of you should be planning some valuable couple time as well

A successful marriage with kids, is all about being able to balance one’s priority, and making time for all the parties involved (solo time – couple time – family time – baby time etc)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 13
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@bebero:  Whoa, I totally disagree with that statement, and so does my husband, who earns all the money for our family. Because while he is at work earning money, I am at home taking care of our daughter, which is just as important for our family as his job. He would never suggest that he had more “power” than I do, and he would never get away with acting as if that were the case.

 

@SamanthaLovesJames:  Being a SAHM is hard, and having a young baby is hard, so I really feel for you! Your husband needs to have a real “come to Jesus” moment. There are two issues here: first, that he is neglecting his relationship with you, and second, he is neglecting his relationship with his daughter. 

It is SUPER important to nurture your marriage during this time. Studies show that the most unhappy period of a marriage is right after a new baby is born, especially the first baby, so you and your husband need to be putting more time into each other than ever. Studies also show that the number one predictor of a child’s success later in life is whether or not they grew up in a happy home with parents who had a loving relationship. You need to talk with him about what both of you need in order to feel loved and to nurture your marriage. He needs to know that this is an extremely challenging time and it’s really important to be vigilant about keeping your marriage healthy.

Second, he needs to know that taking care of a baby is a full-time job that doesn’t end. When he is working at his job, you are working at yours. HOWEVER when he is not working, he needs to be splitting the childcare duties with you (or other household duties like chores) and not just out doing whatever he wants. If he gets to go out and have fun, you should get to do the same for an equal amount of time, while he takes care of the baby. You and he can each have designated time to yourselves, and you should also make sure to have plenty of time when both of you are home with the baby. Family time is important, and really fun. Your husband may not think the baby needs him because she is so little, but he needs to bond with her now in order to have a good relationship with her as she grows up. She also needs to see her parents together and in love.

Your husband needs to realize how hard your job of being a SAHM is. You might want to try leaving him in charge of the baby for a whole day. Let him do EVERYTHING himself just so he can see how hard your job is every day, and that it doesn’t just stop when his work day is over.

For yourself, try to get out during the day as much as you can. Join a playgroup– I’m part of a local playgroup that I found on Meetup. Take the baby out to run errands, browse bookstores, take walks. Don’t stay cooped up in the house, that just makes the days seem so much longer.

You really need to sit your husband down and have a big talk about all of this. If he seems resistant I would even insist on seeing a counselor. This time is so important in the lives of your family, and he needs to realize it. 

I am a SAHM with a 10-month-old daughter. My husband has always been a really hands-on dad, but we did have trouble putting our marriage first and finding time to focus on each other. We fought a lot in the first few months, and withdrew from each other when we were stressed out, and it was really bad for our marriage. We had several long talks about it and we have to constantly work on putting our marriage first because we know that’s what our daughter needs. It’s still a challenge but we make it a priority. For us that means setting aside time every week to spend time alone together (whether we get a babysitter and go out, or just have an at-home date after the baby is asleep), and making sure to talk to each other about everything that’s going on in our lives and everything that stresses us out. We also schedule sex for a minimum number of times per week, no excuses. And if one of us wants to go out with friends or has other things we need to do, we make sure to let the other person know early in advance and make sure it’s okay. All this is necessary to keep our marriage and in turn, our family, strong.

Sorry about the long novel I just wrote. I hope it’s helpful and I wish you the best!

Post # 14
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow. I think your husband needs to set it up a bit more. He should be as involved as possible in raising your daughter. While he is at work/school you are performing an equally important job. You also don’t get a “break” while he is out for beers with his friends. Having a new baby is exhausting… Does he not understand this? 

I feel like you need to leave your baby and him home alone for an entire day or something to give him a wake up call. Not sure that if that would be that easy to do though. Regardless, I really think you need to talk to him about how you’re feeling. Tell him that you feel alone. Tell him exactly what you told us on here.

It might be helpful for you to hang out with family or friends a bit more too. Try to get out and about. Being at home all day must get lonely? If you don’t have much friends/family nearby then perhaps see if there is a neighbourhood mom’s group you could join? Check local churches/community centres/health centres. I think you need some more support.

If you’re ever feeling really unhappy and alone to the point where you are having trouble coping make sure you talk to a health professional. 

Post # 15
Member
3014 posts
Sugar bee

@bebero:  FWIW I agree. I once heard my nasty neighbor yelling at his wife telling her every single thing belonged to him- her car, her clothes, the kitchen rug- and that confirmed to me that I don’t ever want to be in that position. I’m sure it isn’t that extreme 99% of the time but still. 

OP sounds like your hubby is taking the SAH thing too far and thinking that baby is totally your responsibility. Not sure how to fix it But for your mental health you need help and breaks. Maybe a few days away with your parents will help him realize??

Post # 16
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@SamanthaLovesJames:  you need to go and hang with your friends more too.

I was in a similar situation. I didn’t have a job and my SO was MIA most of the time (we don’t live together tho) It played on my mind A LOT! He barely went out with me too. When I aired my thoughts he would act as if the baby was a burden to my soul and he (the knight in shining armour) would come and save our daughter. Whenever he does that, I would freeze him in his tracks. 

When he comes, I would go to sleep so that he could take over. Or I would all of a sudden have to go somewhere. I agree with the previous poster who said that you need to get out of your house more. Find something to do. Join a club or a gym or something. Have him take over.

Yes, since you are a SAHM, I too would expect that you would have more responsabilities with the house and your child but just as he cannot be working 24/7 it’s the same for you.

 

I eventually got a job and found babysitters and my SO eventually pulled up his socks. I believe he had first-time-dad issues. That point where you see that you are actually an adult  responsible for a tiny human being.

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