- 8 years ago
I have to admit I found this wedding site doing the usual google search of “when will he propose”. Usually, I read the silly internet articles from standard fashion magazines, get a laugh and get overmyself and moveon. However, as I’ve mentioned to my friends, the pendulum of “I NEED TO BE ENGAGED” has been hitting hard and fast lately. Every since January it’s been driving me crazy!
And now the backstory . . .
I’ve been with my SO (well I like to say man-friend) for 5 years this September. We met when we were juniors in undergrad. During month 4 I did study abroad in London and he came to visit for 10 days. It was awesome to say the least. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of money we spent on calling cards.
Then we lived together off campus for a year in his apartment. Senior year plus finals plus living together was not pretty (and a 20 lbs weight gain – don’t worry, it’s gone now thanks to weight watchers). But we surived and more importantly graduated.
Post graduation we both moved to DC area, but both respectively for our jobs. He works for the department of defense and I was a theatre intern. I know – a fun combo. My internship came with housing and he lives out in Baltimore. For those who are unfamiliar – DC to Baltimore is 30-40 min commute.
Anyway, so post graduation 2007, we each have our own jobs (no longer an intern) and places. Though we used to live together, I’m really against living together unless we’re engaged. When we lived in undergrad, I still had my dorm space – I just stayed with him. The thought of moving in then potentially breaking up sounds horrible. I would only do it if it’s for “real” i.e. we’re engaged which I feel makes him take the living together situation seriously.
Thus, my new problem. I’m 25, we’ve been out of school 3 years and we both have great jobs and friends and life etc. And it’s been great – such as we see each other on weekends, I go up on the train to see him, like lots of fun dating stuff UNTIL now that switch has flipped where I’m like suddnely all “dude, we’ve been together 5 years – shouldn’t something happen?” It’s ridiculous how consumed I feel by this so I REALLY try to not think about it. As a theatre person, I have pretty darn good social life as is so it’s not like I’m at home pining. In fact I’m lucky to make it home by midnight.
Alrighty (and btw thanks for being mighty patient and reading the story so the PROBLEMS have context) – so we have recently stepped up the talks about engagement and moving in together in November (when leases are up). But it’s just grown hostile because of the following:
(1) We can’t decide where to live. He needs to commute to Baltimore. I need the metro. We both love where we live – but I really can’t be in Baltimore and he hates DC for no real reason. Being an angrey New Yorker is is M.O.Shouldn’t this be the fun part when we’re exciting about moving in together? It doesn’t feel fun at all. It feels like I’m sacrificing my awesome house and roomies.
(2) He started to get down on my occupation. Yeah, it should really be no real news to him at this point that I’m in the arts. I’ve been in theatre since we’ve been together. For crying out loud it was my major! I work long hours, and I don’t get paid much.He is concerned I’ll be out at 3 AM (for WORK) and will have a crying kid. Fair point, but this isn’t a conistent condition. It’s something I would plan around (it’s called tech week – not tech month).
(2-A) I have rich parents. They’re pretty darn supportive of the arts. And I have a small inheritance I’m only getting when I’m settled (either as a singleton or married – my parents are super empowering)
(3) He wants us to move to Germany in 2-3 yrs through work. Yeah, I’m kind of not moving anywhere unless we’re married. He knows this.
(4) He is concerned I don’t make enough money. He makes more than 3x what I make. And while he would be currently considered the breadwinner – that’s NOW. Later I might very well be if I “sell out” – and what then? Will he be willing to give up the power of location if I’m the one who is supporting us? He keeps telling me I should go to law school . . .
(5) He doesn’t know if he wants to stay government or sell out as well. I think some of his attacks on my career is really projecting his own issues.
(6) I’m starting to not like some sides of his personality. Not sure if this is the resentment talking . . . he can just get really crabby. Again, see angry New Yorker. And I’m a positive SoCal gal, and while I’m easy going. Some days it’s just draining. I feel like I have to figure out how to manipulate him to be a good boyfriend some days . . . which leads me to my secret shame
(7) I don’t know if I have real feelings for my co-worker/best friend. Yeah. Sorry to bring the party down. Basically, my co-worker (and really good buddy) is starting to creep up in my fantasy life. And not in the fleeting-superficial way. Like I could see myself with him in a long term capacity because we have so much in common. It was a friendship, but there’s a lot to him that I consider date worthy.We’ve known each other for 2 years. Before I would wing-man for him, basically be his bro – but it’s just been hard fighting feelings for him too these days. It’s not just physical attractiveness, we’re just super comfortable with each other. And he is essentially my day-time boyfriend (which he jokes about) since I can call him in a pinch for anything. He is incredibly reliable and such a good friend. Like picking me up from the airport when I miscalculated train schedule to remembering ice for parties I throw. My SO – well he’ll do it if I ask – but it’s not quite his nature to remember details. The emotions are always there, but it’s these little things that are starting to pile up. But both guys have other things in common that may have caused the overlap of emotions. Believe me, I’d hate to loose the friend just for stupid lust – he is such a great person to be a friend with. I think because I have so much resentment towards the SO right now it might be reflecting into this other relationship I’m having an easy/fun time with. And before any of you ask – NO I’ve made no moves at all. It’s completely platonic in all interactions at this time. Hell, I got him a date tonight (though I’m a bit jealous probably because I could stand to be on a date myself).
SIGH! Anyway, it felt very good to get this off my chest. I’ve vented to my friends, my parents – but I need some outsider opinions. My friends are sympathetic saying SO is a great guy but get my issues, parents want me to give him an ultimatum. I’ve told guy friend about problems too – completely for guy perspective – and he was supportive saying SO is caring and will come around.
I really don’t want to be an ultimatum kind of girl . . . but I feel I’m going to have to if I want to get over my resentment, and over my crush.
So much of his issues feel like they’re coming out of left field – like he is commitment-phobic all of a sudden. He says all the right things, but it just feels like words, words, words.
SO Bees – hear my plea. I could use some good buzzing right about now before I loose it and sting him. Ok, I had to go for some puns.
Congrats to all those who made it work!