Post # 1
Hi! I’m a longtime lurker finally making my debut! All of you ladies seem so positive and uplifting so I thought I’d reach out. I’m in a situation where my SO (ex SO?) has now decided that his feelings are fading. Over the course of our relationship we’ve had maybe 4 arguments that were really just discussions to me. Primarily they came about because I was trying to foster better communication and understanding in order to strengthen our bond. Apparently, he took them another way and feels they are a sign that I do not “understand” him and am pressuring him and stressing him out. The fading feelings comment frightened me and I basically went into convincing mode. He called once last week and texted because he wanted to let me know he is not “giving up” but he has not reached out to me since Saturday when I called him again to try to talk things through. Convo did not go very well lol. So now, I am giving him space…which is extremely hard and also hurts bc he hasn’t made an effort to talk to me in the 2 days since. I guess what I’m looking for are stories of women who have stepped back like this and had any kind of result. I do not want to talk someone into being with me and I know I can’t change feelings but I would like it if the space could help produce some kind of conversation, with him initiating it. Anyone had any luck with this? Or has anyone ever broken up or dealt with a man who feared love and been able to rekindle things? If so, how we’re you able to do it? If you’ve ever done no contact, how did you get through it? Thanks!
Post # 2
canthelpbuthope: I stepped back and then we finished after 3 weeks. I told him I wasnt waiting around forever and he needed to make an actual decision. He wanted to break up. I moved on pretty quickly. Then 6 months later he wanted me back but I had moved on. after we broke up I never once made an attempt to contact him. Even if he did want me back and I was single I wouldn’t have gone back too much had happened in those 6 months that made be change my opinion on him.
Post # 3
canthelpbuthope: You should never have to convince a man to be with you. If he doesn’t see why you’re a good catch, he probably doesn’t deserve you.
Post # 4
canthelpbuthope: My ex used the “I need space” line on me as well. We had just become long distance when he moved for school and he said my “constant” need to communicate with him was too much and he wanted to give us both time to breathe. We officially broke up a few weeks later when I told him I was tired of living in limbo and needed a decision and he confessed he had developed feelings for someone else and cheated.
I’m always warying of the “feelings faded” comment because, in my experience, that usually happens when feelings develop for someone else (I’ve had this happen to a few friends). That may not be the case here and I’m not trying to discourage you but, based on my experience, I was begin to accept the fact that your relationship may have run its course. I hope everything works out for you though.
Post # 5
canthelpbuthope: sometimes it can work out. When my husband and I were dating, we had to take a step back. I was afraid of the possible feelings I had and the commitment that would bring, and he had some emotional baggage to sort out. We broke up for about a month. When I realized that I could live without him but I honestly didn’t want to, I called him and told him I had been thinking things through and I still cared about him. He felt the same. 6 months later we got engaged.
Sometimes time apart can foster clarity, but you shouldn’t have to beg him and convince him to be with you.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF
This probably isn’t what you want to hear but hopefully it helps more than hurts.
The best lesson that my ex taught me is that you should NEVER have to go into “convincing mode” with a man for him to love and value you. Ever.
Now, I’m speaking from my experience only but when my ex told me after 3 years of dating/2 years of living together that he’d never want to marry me but we should stay together and see how it went, I said every pitiful thing to get him to change his mind. I was so ready but hearing that he didn’t think he’d ever love me enough to settle down crushed me. I HAD to get him to change his mind or what was I worth?! Doing so basically made me disposable in his eyes – something he mentioned during one of our last blow outs – because he knew that I’d be there and I was “desperate” enough to beg him to stay.
Before we reached our final break up, however, I moved out and decided to stop trying as hard to keep him. I made a rule that I’d only message him after he messaged me. At first it was insanely difficult. We’d go for a few days without speaking, which sucked, but instead of floundering in a state of misery, I filled my time with meeting new people (one of whom became my FI down the road) and doing different things. After awhile he started texting ME like crazy but I’d become so involved in creating a new life for myself that I was the one to end things. I decided I didn’t want to be with someone who I had to convince to be with me and even though it hurt at the time, him asking for space was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate
canthelpbuthope: every past relationship I’ve had where the guy wanted to take a break resulted in us breaking up. I had two what I would consider serious long term relationships before I met my FI that ended this way. Funny though, with both of those guys, after we stopped talking for about a month they wanted to get back together. But in both scenarios I wasn’t interested. Of course I was devastated when we first broke up, but with time I moved on and realized I could do better. Especially with the last relationship I had before I met my FI. We dated for 2yrs and I couldn’t picture my life without him. When he said he wanted some space I was shocked and so heart broken. I literally cried for a week straight. Then I found out why he wanted “space”. He was cheating on me with an ex gf. That made it so much worse. About a month after we broke up I met my FI. My ex then started calling me constantly wanting to get back together, but it was too late cause I knew I wanted to be with my now FI. I even had to change my number because he wouldn’t stop calling. Then he started driving by my house on a daily basis. Eventually he moved on once I ignored him enough.
You will know if your meant to be together or not. When I met my FI, I just had a feeling it would last…and here we are 7yrs later getting married in 12 days!
If he wants space, give it to him and see what happens. I guarantee you he will come back, then it will be up to you if you want to continue the relationship.
Post # 8
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I wish it wasn’t so hard just to let things go and walk away – especially when it seems like it’s such an easy thing for them to do. It’s amazing how a person can go from caring to being a stranger. I know that when I push, I only make things worse…but that’s how we women are. Men are entirely different and it’s a hard thing to cope with! You’re right. I’ve been through this before when I was younger, of course, and they all came back (albeit too late lol). My SO is so different (or portrayed himself that way at least) that i dont have a clue what he’s thinking or whether he’ll just forget about me. Anyone else have experiences?
Post # 9
DaniDev143: and congrats on your wedding! I know you must be excited!