(Closed) New bee, getting frustrated at finances and gender roles

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Personally, I get offended by the idea that the man has all the control of when the relationship moves forward, while the woman just has to wait silently by until he decides he’s ready. If she brings it up, she’s perceived as pushy or a “ball buster”, but meanwhile, she has a life and plans she should be making as well, right? 

Thus — I think it’s kind of ridiculous he won’t let you pay for half your ring. I’m not sure if he’s chickening out or not, but what is it that will magically change in your alls lives by the end of 2013?

Post # 4
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t necessarily think you should help pay for the ring. Your SO may just not be quite ready to propose yet (I really don’t like saying that because I know how frustrating waiting is) or he could be secretly stashing money away and already have a ring picked out he wants for you. I understand what it is like to have finances that aren’t that great. My SO and I are both in situations where we don’t have a ton of extra money laying around. That is why I decided I would rather have an Asha ring then a real diamond. I don’t need a ring worth thousands of dollars. I just want to be his wife. Have you thought about getting something other than a diamond?

Post # 5
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@anonymiss:  He probably already feels emasculated because you seem to be more of a breadwinner than he is.

I get your wanting to pay half of the ring – it’s practical – especially if it speeds up the process. I am not sure I would push it if he’s completely opposed to it, unless it really means that he is stalling or can’t possibly propose for a long time because of this.

I don’t know… I am fairly traditional, and I think that some things do make sense. Yeah it’s the man who spends thousands on the ring… but then it’s us who have to push out the babies (just one example). Things tend to even out nicely. I am not saying you HAVE to be traditional, but tradition is tradition for a reason… it has worked a long time for many people. I guess since you still want a ring (traditional), it is a little odd to pay for it yourself… but I don’t necessarily see anything wrong w. it if you can convince your bf.

 

Post # 6
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

Our bank accounts were combined long before the ring came, so I guess I paid for part of it. Some guys are just funny like that, they think it’s “their job” to buy the ring. But you also dont have to spend thousands on a ring either.

Post # 7
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think splitting the cost or working together to save for it is a valueable practical thing to do. That being siad with the current the position your boyfriend you guys need to either sit down and speak about him getting a permnant job, going back to school, or you becoming the breadwinner.

Clearly his work/money situation is going to effect your relationship and life like buying a home, paying for a wedding, and getting engaged. If he truly dislikes you paying for your half the ring, then he has to get stable employement even if he lacks passion for it.

Post # 9
Member
646 posts
Busy bee

I dont think you should offer to share the cost of the ring. When it comes down to it, buying a ring shouldnt feel like a business transaction. It should be a statement of your love and committment to eachother. You get the wedding to plan, he gets the proposal. Sometimes we forget that our SOs have probably been planning the perfect proposal, and we try to rush it. Let him step up with the money and ring.

Post # 10
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anonymiss:  Yes. 

My FI and I picked out the ring together, paid for the ring together (though to be fair our finances were already basically combined), and decided that the proposal would happen before we moved away from my family (roughly four weeks later). I let him handle the proposal himself, because that was important to him, but the decision to get engaged had already been discussed by both of us. 

It’s crazy to me to just wait around until (or if!) he’s ready. 

Post # 11
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@anonymiss:  Well.. I would consider trying to explain how you came to your conclusion… That just because you’re the woman and he’s the man doesn’t mean you can’t still split the cost.  Maybe you could come to some sort of compromise that he can “make it up to you later,” like maybe a super romantic dinner with drinks and desserts or something.  Whatever strikes your fancy.

It’s clear he feels like it’s his “role,” but what are “roles” today anyhow?  The lines are blurred, and IMO I think they should be…

To give you a background of where I’m coming from, I was actually the one who “proposed,” and it didn’t make a difference to me.

When you’re married, unless you’re taking the role of being housewife and mom, finances are going to split down the middle ANYWAYS, so why not split this too? (at least that’s how I think)

And if you just stick finances and things like laundry, or whatever, in the same category.. all of that is going to be “whoever can do it, will do it.”  and this includes what you pay for. So.. really things are going to be split down the middle for the rest of your married life anyhow..

I see how some people think that the woman should be swept off her feet with the engagement and that the man should fork it out for the ring, but really? 20 years from now that’s not going to matter.  It’s not your foundation.

20 years from now you’re gonna be more focused on other things.. You’re not gonna be thinking about how, man, he sure did me in with that engagement ring. (or maybe some of you will 😉 )

In fact, if he does it all himself, YOU might end up feeling guilty about it down the line because you know best about his financial situation.

Maybe you could give him control of the account so that you don’t ‘see,’ how much he is contributing to it. And just give him a discussed amount for him to put in said account.

 

There’s gotta be a way to do this! Communication is key. And relationships require a lot of compromising.

 

Or you could just hold off on the engagement…?

Regardless. Give him time to cool off. Get several different opinions. Try to figure out exactly why you think it’s okay for you to split the cost, and try to figure out how to explain it in a way he will understand. 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

I offered to pay part of my ring and my FI said no. He said it was up to him to buy it and it was something that he enjoyed saving for. He told me that he had been looking forward to being responsible for buying it since he was younger. Even though we split everything else financially, buying the ring was really important to him…so I just let it go. I don’t think he was trying to control how fast the relationship went- we never had problems discussing the future so neither one of us really was in control of the topic of marriage. Obviously every relationship is different so it’s possible that another man may be using it as an excuse to hold off on proposing.

To answer your questions:

Am I being ridiculous wanting to pay for half my ring? Nope.

It’s part of our “wedding fees” or our marriage fees, why shouldn’t I pay half?

It might be just really important for him to pay for the ring. You might feel that it’s unequal gender roles, but he might not see it that way (I know my FI didn’t, and I had to respect his difference of opinion)

Not to mention that this will probably lead to it happening sooner, with my financial contributions into the account. Is this an immasculating thing? Am I being a ball-buster? Or is he chickening out because it’s out of his control and could happen sooner?

You’re the one who knows him best; it definitely depends on the guy and his beliefs. If I had contributed my FI and I could have gotten engaged about 6 months earlier than we did. But I know that it wouldn’t have made him happy, and either way he would have wanted to wait until after Christmas anyways. The proposal is about the guy too, I think when I was waiting I forgot that for a little while. I had to learn to let him do his own thing (even if it meant I had to wait longer) so that he would enjoy the process as well.

Good luck (:

Post # 13
Member
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

@anonymiss:  If this marriage is equal (as our relationship has been) why should he get to dictate when it begins? Shouldn’t engagement be a decision mutually embarked upon, and, if viable, financially shared?

Only if both parties agree. If not then you have to come to a compromise and meet in the middle.

Ex:

My FI wanted to pay for the ring completely and propose in about a year

I wanted to pay half of the ring and be engaged right that second haha

The compromise: I helped pick a setting, he paid, and gave me a timeline of 6 months. That way we both got elements that we wanted (:

Post # 15
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@anonymiss:  I agree with you on how silly it is for the man to have to buy the ring. Unfortunately, your SO is probably feeling insecure about his financial situation and lack of career, and by you offering to pay for half your ring it in some ways emasculated him. 

If him buying the ring himself, makes him feel more manly and secure, then let him. Just don’t expect a ridiculously over-priced huge diamond and be gracious when accepting whatever ring he can give you.

Post # 16
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I offered to pay for part of my ring and SO said no. But he did agree that if I put X amount into the savings then he’ll buy it sooner (I’m still trying to get that money, life got in the way). In a way, it’s like I’m paying for it but really he sees it as just more of a cushion so we don’t deplete a chunk of our savings and see the effect that much.

 

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