I just wanted to share an update on my situation which unfortunately does not have a happy ending.
I celebrated 6 long happy years with SO but last Wednesday, the relationship came to an end on his instigation.
In the summer of 2015 we went on holiday and he hinted a lot that a proposal was imminent. When it didn’t happen on that particular trip, I was very disappointed and confided in a friend that I was considering ending the relationship as getting married was becoming a very important thing for me, I told her that I was weighing up getting a ring and getting married over just being with the man I love and who makes me feel so loved, married or not. It was such a big battle in my head.
November 2015 came and went, and my SO was invited to make a speech at our mutual friend’s wedding. He talked about love, what it meant and referenced me many times in that speech. Afterwards, he said the speech was a turning point for him and he felt ready to move us forwards. He told me I had to trust him, that there was a plan and that I wouldn’t have to wait much longer. During this particular heart to heart, I really questioned him…”is it me, would you feel differently about another person?” He was so adamant that it wasn’t me, and that I had to break this down “people would kill to have what we have” – his insistance that his reluctance to get married was down to his personal views on marriage, and he was now changing his view as he knew how much it meant to me and he didn’t want to lose me.
He then took me ring shopping and we had a great day and it felt very happy. We came out very loved up and he was taking notes about ring size, my cut preference etc. From then onwards, I felt a lot better that something was happening and taking shape.
We had a very happy christmas and new year, and honestly, it felt good. On Valentine’s Day I fell sick and he stayed off work too “to look after me” – he wrote me the most beautiful card that made me cry.
I went on a 12 day buisness trip to Asia start of March and we were constantly in touch – instigated by him, lots of videos, pictures, saying how much he missed me and wanted me to be back at home. When I finally returned it was late at night and he wrapped his legs around me and said “Thank God you’re back!” in the morning I had to get up early and go out and he messaged me saying he was sad that he missed me before he woke up as he wanted to catch up properly.
Last week, after returning from my buisness trip for a few days, it was a Wednesday morning and I got up to walk the dogs as usual, came home to make smoothies and then he asked me whether I had any money to pay the fish tank cleaner who was coming later that day. I said no, I didn’t and why didn’t he mention it or sort it himself last night when we walked past the ATM? This escalated quickly as I was late for work and I was annoyed at him. Out of nowhere, he suddenly said “you know what – we are done. I don’t want to marry you and I don’t want to be engaged to you!!” he then flopped out on the bed and burst out into tears. I was so shocked, I didn’t cry or anything, I just sat there. He said “I’m sorry…I don’t even know if what I’ve said is true or not..I don’t know…I don’t want to feel this way..I wish I could feel more…I’m so confused”
He went on to explain to me that he’s always felt there was something missing in the relationship, but he can’t put his finger on what. He said it’s 90% perfect, it’s just a missing extra 10%. He said he’s wired a bit differently emotionally like his father (which I’ve always known) and that’s been something I’ve made concessions on in the past as he’s not a hearts and flowers kind of guy, but then he’ll do things like making me a survival kit when he travels (magazines and my favourite foods!) or by waking early on a weekend to take the dogs and give me a lie in..you know, the practical kind stuff. He’s always said “judge me on my actions…” – I have been quite satisfied emotionally as he has expressed his love in the way he has treated me! He’s now saying that he doesn’t know if it’s the way he’s wired afterall, and that it could be me and our relationship that’s preventing him from feeling more. He went on to say he’s confused and that he desperately doesn’t want to feel this way as I am his best friend “and you don’t marry your best friend..”
He doesn’t have another previous relationship to benchmark off whereas I do. Aside from the engagement issue, I have been very happy. He said that when I travel, he should feel that a part of him is missing, that he should actually hurt and not just “miss having me around”. He also said that when he has done romantic gestures or even the ring shopping..he’s realised this is just him trying to feel something more, him trying to put himself in “that place” – and it doesn’t feel right. He said he felt comfortable doing the ring shopping, but that it should have made him feel something stronger than he did.
The physical aspect of the relationship has suffered this past year or two, which I think is down to lazyness quite frankly as I was very comfortable and thought he was too. We were on once a month, favouring thursday nights watching walking dead in bed – when we are together it’s still great, just not frequent. He says that this means the relationship has lost it’s spark and that we don’t have that chemistry anymore. We were still affectionate daily however. If I had known that this would have justified his feelings on wanting to leave the relationship I would have made so much more effort…
That evening I came home and we had a face to face discussion. I still hadn’t cried but he was really upset, saying that I deserve to be loved properly by someone that can offer me all of those things, he said he felt that it has been something has has only very recently come to terms with as it meant losing me and facing up to it. It’s very clear he feels guilty that this admission has only come to light, after 6 years.
My knee jerk reaction was that I didn’t want to stay in our beautiful home, so I packed a few things and left for my friend’s house. He left as “he didn’t want to see me leave” – he said whatever I want to do is completely my decision and he will support it. Over the weekend, I decided I want to move back in and take on the apartment myself. We hadn’t spoken at all since the wednesday so on Saturday morning I called him and for the first 10 minutes we just talked about what we had done, funny stories etc. I then said “the reason I’m calling is to see if I can come back to the apartment..” – he was very understanding and said I can keep everything, that he’ll pack his things away and will pay for anything I need until the lease expires in July. I stayed strong and as he moves out tomorrow evening I am aware that this new few weeks are going to be tough. Settling back in, repainting the apartment..we’ve had lots of messages this past couple of days. He has renegotiated the rent for me, even did me a new budget spreadsheet so I can understand what everything costs and to make sure I have enough for recreation (apartment was in his name)
He has told mutual friends it’s for the best but he’s finding it very hard. He’s been away a lot from the apartment and he told me it’s because he doesn’t like being at home with pictures and memories. He said he loves me but he’s not sure he’s ever been “in love” with me but I really beg to disagree. We’ve had a wonderful 6 years together.
I can’t change how he feels about me but I am keeping myself strong and I’m going to pick myself up. I have to hope that there’s a reason to all this. He’s been amazing and has been checking in with some mutual friends to make sure I’m OK and he’s been doing lots of preparation like faclitating the re-paint of the living room and booking the dogs into daycare 3 times a week to take the pressure off me as he knows it will be hard work on my own. He even offered to take them full time to his sister’s but I love my dogs so I told him I will keep them.
I’m not bitter and weirdly I don’t feel angry. I feel he could have voiced this earlier, but it’s a hard thing to admit, I get it. Being single at 32 isn’t going to be easy but I still have hope. I have a good job and great friends and I have that to be thankful for. I felt so loved every day!
Thanks for reading xxxx