- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
Hello lovely bees –
I have lurked for some time. I have a somewhat long and complex story but would really value some input.
My SO and I are two-and-some years together. We had been talking long term from the beginning and moved in together after a little less than a year. Then things hit the skids for both of us separately. He was in an extremely stressful job that ws making him miserable, and was worried about family, who live in what was then aconflict-riven country. I was finishing a doctorate and starting full time work. Then (this was a year ago this week, which I suppose is why I think of it) I lost a very close friend to suicide. I found her body and was obviously very upset by that. I had also been in and out of treatment centres with her in the years and especially months before her death.
Leading up to her death I found it very difficult to find support with my SO, not because he wasn’t offering it, but because I found myself isolating myself and rejecting help. I was very hostile to those close to me, especially to my SO. Understandable I think, but difficult to live with.
Long story short, he embarked on an affair with a girl at work. I found out and he attempted to end it with her, but things with us were deteriorating and she seems to have been very persistent, and their affair stopped and started over the course of four or five months. I also entered into an inappropriate relationship, though not really an affair, with someone at this point but it didn’t go anywhere. Ultimately we realised that things were untenable. I moved out. He immediately andfinally ceased contact with the girl and asked me for another chance. We went to counselling a few times and have been back together and working very well for the last six months. We have grown a lot as a couple, learned to communicate and support each other much better. Having discussed how things got so bad, and why we were unable to communicate clearly, we have entered into a much better relationship. I’m really proud of what we have done. I still get angry sometimes, and we are still working together to build trust, but I have forgiven him and he has come to understand why he behaved as he did and how hurtful it was. He has not been resentful of sharing passwords or working with me when I’m having a bad day.
Things have been easy and good, and even nice and boring, for about six months now. After a year like that, boring is brilliant. Bees, about a week ago, he said that he had been thinking about proposing. I don’t think it’s immediately on the cards, but I am concerned about rushing things. On the one hand, we have come through hell and a stronger for it. My family and friends know what happened and support us, and love him even though this happened. I understand why it happened. We are rebuilding trust and I don’t believe this was a character thing. Our circumstances were impossible and he did an awful thing in response. On the other hand, I don’t know if we have had enough time of it being nice and boring.
Any advice, comments?
TL;DR: SO cheated during very tough time for both of us, back together and doing really well. I’m nervous of rushing into ring shopping. How soon is too soon?!