(Closed) New Bee just engaged fed up already!

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Sorry to hear about all the trouble and drama going on! I know that has to be difficult.

I was present for my dad’s second wedding (I was about 18-19), and honestly no time would have been a good time. It’s just a hard thing for a daughter to witness. Personally, I think no matter what, she is going to be difficult about it. In my opinion, you and her father should choose a date that you think is suitable and that best compromises what you guys want and what she is requesting. You deserve to have the wedding you want as well, one day she will understand that.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I agree with the above. You are entiteld to your wedding as much as she is.
I also come from divorced parents. I watched my Mother get re-married and I loved it because a new man was coming to look after us all (Save the day hero type) and my bilogical dad never married (yet) and honestly I don’t think I would be supportive of it if he did. But that’s because he treats women like crap and no woman deserves some one like him. Other Daughters are just protective of thier “Daddy Girl bond”. She see’s you as a threat.

None the less she should be welcoming you!. Have you spoken to your FI? Could it be she is acting a little spoilt?

Post # 5
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Perhaps try to strike a compromise?  Maybe make it 6 weeks away from her date in one direction or the other?  I’m not saying she’s right, but just for the sake of keeping the peace without compromising your vision of your day.

Post # 6
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Short answer: get married when you want, his daughter can jolly well grow up and get over it.

I think 3 weeks after is fine. Because you’re after her you don’t “steal her thunder” (not that I believe in thunder strealing, but at least it should appease her). Also 2nd weddings are quite different things (as you put it, a “small quiet wedding”), so there should be no competing at any level. It’s unlikely you’ll have a bridal shower, so there’s no need for any pre wedding event to be before her wedding. And 3 weeks is plenty of time for her to honeymoon. Why should she have the only summer wedding? If you want a summer wedding you should have one.

I say just set the wedding date and she can deal with it.

EDIT: And if she thinks you should wait more than 3 weeks, tell her to go on the WeddingBee or any other internet wedding site, write a story about how she doesn’t want her father to get married 3 weeks after her, and see how much support she gets!

Post # 7
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t see why it would be so hard to wait an extra 2 weeks. I mean I agree with PP that you FDIL is being a brat. But If getting married 5 weeks after her wold save the peace and significantly reduce prewedding stress than I would take that path of least resistance. You don’t want your fiance to get caught in the middle of this. It will ruin his enjoyment of both events.

Post # 8
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@butterfly1967:  Three weeks is enough time for them to enjoy a honeymoon and come set up a new home.

Bottom line, and I hate to be brash, but after the wedding NO ONE CARE about your wedding anymore LOL.

You’re no longer a bride, but a wife. After three weeks people just want to know how married life is, not want to see colors or your gown anymore.

 

Post # 9
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

She gets one day, not two months. Tell her you’ll be having the wedding when it suits you and if that happens to fall within her one month before/after, cry me a river.

Post # 10
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@arendiva:  An extra 2 weeks in BC can mean a huge difference between a chance of rain and a TON of rain! My sister lived there for several years and we used to tease her about having webbed feet because of the rain. lol

In general, brides get ONE day. In this circumstance, I can understand holding off a few weeks to keep the peace (if at all possible) but any longer than that I wouldn’t be concerned about. Sorry to say but there will probably be drama anyway. My ex remarried a year ago and our oldest daughter went from being in the wedding to deciding not to attend the morning of the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ladies, it sounds like the bride’s issue is as much with the FI as with the daughter. I see a lot of advice telling the bride to tell the daughter such and such. However, the FI has said to his bride that her date is not good because it’s too close to his daughter’s.

So her conversation needs to be with him. He needs to understand that his vows are “forsaking all others,” and that means the daughter. He shouldn’t want to diminish his new bride’s feelings and needs based on what his grown assed daughter is talking about. If the daughter were a child, I might think differently, but she isn’t.

So the talk needs to be with him about how he’s going satisfy his bride first. She should explain to him that he’s been a good father, and he’ll continue to be one’ however, it’s about him now, not the daughter. While you want to compromise because you do what daughter to have her time, you think that November is just too late, and it will crush your dreams to have to submit to a date deemed by the daughter.

Post # 12
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@arendiva:  I hear you and you have a good point. The only thing I’d worry about is that caving to the daughter here might mean caving to the daughter everywhere. This Bride needs to think about that, because the daughter might try to run ALL future family events and occasions. 

Post # 13
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@arendiva:  +1000!

We so often have threads of “They are getting married so close to us!! Why can’t they let me have my moment?!” ESPECIALLY when it is a parent and the child can’t understand why the parent who is ‘old’ and therefore not rushing to get married because of a biological clock has to be in so much of a rush. (I’m sorry to be blunt but this is often how they see it). It must be very hard to share the spotlight with your parent when “normally” that parent would be 100% focused on your event. 

It isn’t so much that your wedding will be 3 weeks after hers, it’s that for the next 12 months (or however long it is) when she talks about her wedding with her Dad he won’t just be thinking about walking her down the aisle, the Father/Daughter dance etc, he’ll also be thinking about watching you walk up the aisle and your first dance together. Does that make sense? I’m not saying that she shouldn’t suck it up (she should) but you should at least understand why this might be difficult for her. 

Honestly, if you value the relationship with his daughter, the very best thing that you can do would be to get married the year after her. Solely so that he can play the FOB role without also playing the role of Groom. Plus she would probably be more excited for your wedding this way. BUT this is the extremely selfless option and your day is special too! I can completely understand not wanting to wait and you don’t have to! This is just me explaining the other side of things. 

Post # 14
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi butterfly1967: first off I see that you are NEW to Wedding Bee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

I feel for you, you’ve come across a situation that is a bit of a sticky-wicket.  Lets see if I can’t help you out…

I am a bit of Etiquette Snob… as I find it a fascinating topic, and truly when followed, can account for less DRAMA / TRAUMA in regards to one’s social life.  Maybe I can help you understand the “traditional” guidelines that are applicable in this case, and WHERE and WHY they came to be

Back in the day, Weddings were HUGE affairs, in that families usually had to make significant sacrifices when a Daughter was to be married… the women in the family would gather round and help her to organize her trousseau which typically meant a significant amount of time spent hand-sewing household items (quilting, embroidering etc) and assembling the Bride’s wardrobe (most Brides leaving home with a year’s worth of clothing to get her thru all seasons).  While Dad was busy, putting together the funds to organize a celebration for the couple… and then there was the concern of “entertaining and putting up relatives” who would come from afar.  From a Guest’s point of view, there was travel, and a gift to consider.  All-in-all a Wedding was a BIG DEAL… and a bit of a financial stretch for everyone.

Consequently, the etiquette surrounding Weddings was such that there was plenty of notice given for the Engagement Period, and as a consideration to Guests (Relatives) the family would if they had more than one Daughter of marrying age, that Weddings would be paced a good distance apart.

The normal Rule of Etiquette, was that the first child engaged, would pick their date, and if a subsequent sibling was to become engaged, they would allow the first engaged sib to choose “their date” first, and then they’d follow with their announcement… and choose a date a minimum of a season later (so if child one was to get engaged now, and chose June 2013, then child two would be looking at Fall 2013 or later).

Other than the possibility of a family hosting a Double Wedding for both children, this format allowed for the first engaged child to enjoy the spotlight, and the second child to not feel cheated out by discovering that relatives couldn’t attend because they already had made the trek for the first Wedding etc.

In modern society, and your particular situation…

I can understand, where your FDIL might be a bit ticked that you and her Dad are considering the same year, and season (thereby stealing her thunder… this is particularly a BIG DEAL for first time Brides)

As someone else said, from a practical point of view, you guys don’t have the same impediments or urgency to marry as perhaps someone younger such as your FDIL

There was a time, when second marriages were quiet affairs, where a couple slipped off and married pretty much anonymously (a quick trip to the JOP – Courthouse – Elopement etc).  Although more often than not, this is not the modern situation today … in that there are more and more couples today that are remarrying wanting a more high-profile affair for themselves.

Of course this can make for hard feelings between Brides within the same family, as you’ve discovered.

So consequently, the old Rules of Etiquette for siblings are still regarded for many family’s as the best example of appropriate behaviour (a gap between Weddings, so that no two Brides marry in the same Season)

Honestly, for the best on-going relationship with your FDIL, you might want to fall back to the traditional Etiquette position, and choose to marry in another season after her BIG DAY

Short of a quiet elopement, that is what I’d choose to do…

The BONUS will be that it will probably mean that you and your FDIL will get off on a better footing no doubt.

Hope this helps,

PS… If your WBee Profile is correct, I see that you’ve chosen the Wedding Date of September 28, 2013… I would say this would be good if your FDIL is marrying in June or July.  BUT if she has chosen an August Date, then I’d push your own date back to October or later.

 

Post # 15
Member
7885 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Everdeen:  Why should the FOB spend the next 12 months absorbed with his daughter’s wedding? In fact why should *anyone* except the bride and groom be absorbed in it at all until a week or two before?

@This Time Round:  Leaving aside the general issue of close weddings (which I disagree with you on)…. in this case, OP is planning a “small quiet wedding”, so there is no thunder stealing.

@honeybee1999:  offers excellent advice. The key is getting her husband onside, then he can deal with his daughter. And yes, a husband’s first loyalty is to his wife, not his daughter.

Post # 16
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@arendiva:  Agreed. This is going to be your new step-daughter. If 1 or 2 weeks makes a huge difference to her, why not do it? I have to disagree with paula1248, his family should come first. You will be a part of that soon, but for now you need to try and respect the family so the transition is as smooth as possible. 

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