New Bee needs advice-sorry its so long

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What do you think I should do
    Stay long distance and be patient : (1 votes)
    3 %
    Move to him, take the chance : (0 votes)
    Move on, time to let go : (27 votes)
    93 %
    None of the above, let me explain : (1 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    451 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Your views on marriage and your life-goals are very different. Going long-distance will probably only prolong the inevitable. I think it’s time to let him go.

    Post # 4
    97 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Since you reconnected have any of your circumstances or desires changed? It sounds like you are in the exact same situation as before and if so you are probably going to have a similar outcome. 

    Post # 5
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @80sbabii:  What you guys want is a lot different than you are making it out to be. I think you are quite right in that he wants to live his whole life out before getting married. Not a great sign. If you love someone, you’ll want to do things like buying a house WITH them, not view them being there as a burden on that process. 

    But you also have really different views of marriage and living together, etc.  It sounds like living together is something of a moral dilemma for him, and so I don’t really think you should be pushing it. Even if you did, I don’t think living together with this guy is going to make him magically wake up and realize he totally wants to be with you sooner. Since he is already dragging his feet and wanting to do everything in life before being married, this would basically make that even easier for him.

    I am long distance (by 24 hours were I to drive it), so I know it can work, but from what I read in your post, long distance is not for you, and not with this guy.  With long distance, things need to be very clear, very communicated, and with pretty set timelines. None of those exist in your relationship, and I think it is time to move on to someone more suited to your life goals.


    Post # 6
    62 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    You can really only answer that question for yourself.  I would try to do some deep reflection and figure out what you really want.  Sometimes it is hardest to be honest with ourselves.

    Post # 7
    11379 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @80sbabii:  i understand that you both care for each other but honestly why did you decide to reconnect?  you are in the same position that you were apparently unhappy in.  if the two of you can’t compromise on what you want, why waste each other’s time?  you will still be miserable.

    the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

    Post # 8
    3596 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    You guys remind me of my ex and I, except the living together part. Here is the thing you guys are at very different places with different ideas about how to achieve the same goal.


    I can tell you fron personal experience moving somewhere for someone who isn’t ready for the same level of commitment as you is a mistake. It’s impossible to not think about everything you left behind for him and not resent it when he can’t commit in the same way as you are.


    My boyfriend from college, graduated and moved across the country. I did a year later and followed him. We talked marriage and he was thinking years down the road. I stuck around for five and half years, and eventually when he decided to buy house I put my foot down and said no. So he decided to buy it solo and have me pay rent. I told him when our lease was up I was moving out and I did.


    Six monter later he came back with a ring, our engagement lasted three weeks until I ended it my choice, as I’m sure you know being engaged to someone you have to nag and pressure to do so is no fun.


    I wish one of us would saved ourselves the heartache and ended the relationship, before things got as bad as they did. Love sometimes isn’t enough in the real world. You have different ideas and goals about how to conduct your life, and the only place it’s going to lead too is resentment and hurt on both sides. I don’t think your communication is an issue as both of your positions are crystal clear.  Only you can decide for yourself what to do, but I think the relationship has run it’s course.


    Post # 12
    457 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    It sounds to me you two have very different values, and like you said, it sounds like he wants to live his whole life first before getting married.

    You are 25 right now which is a very crucial age to make a relationship decision. If you wait too long for him to make up his mind, you could be wasting crucial time in building a relationship with somebody else who shares more of your values and actually wants to marry you and not “string you along.” Especially in terms of having children if you want to have children. 10 years can quickly go by without you realizing it. It takes about 3-5 years to get to the stage to marry somebody, then who knows after that how long it takes to have a child.

    It’s important that you and your partner have the same values and are at the same timing in your life. If you aren’t, it’s not going to work, no matter how much you love eachother. 

    As I heard in the car earlier today “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. If he wants to keep you so bad, he needs to marry you. Otherwise I’d suggest ending it and find someone else who is better suited.

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