Post # 1
I’ve been lurking for a while now and when this came up I knew it was time to join the hive and ask you ladies for some help! Thanks in advance to anyone who actually reads this whole thing..bare with me lol
So just a little background on our relationship, when we met he was my mechanic.. He says it was “love at first sight” for him. I, however, was in a terrible relationship (can anyone say “Sugar Mama”?) that I was trying to get out of but feeling guilty about. Long story short, he pursued me and I turned him down until several months after ex and I finally broke up.
When we finally did get together, it was about 2 weeks before I was set to move 1,500 miles away! Go figure! We were crazy about each other though so we made it work every month we would meet elsewhere for a vacation or he would come to see me, or me him. In this time though I wasn’t working (just going to school And living with family. I needed a break after working 3 jobs to support the ex and myself).
Now, I have since moved AGAIN. This time I am only about 350 miles away from the bf making it much easier to see each other most weekends. He has been SO AMAZING through the chaos of all these moves and has really made every single effort to see me and show his love and support. Now we have planned to get a place together in September but the problem is that I am running out of savings to comfortably live off of. I have told him this, that maybe I should stay put to get a job here and save a bit more $ before I move again. (He says it’s pointless to work for a month and a half)
He says not to worry about anything. That he understands my predicament but just wants me there with him, so he will support us until I get back on my feet. I have an interview lined up also but need some supplies that I said would just have to wait, and again he is willing to give me the money to purchase these things until I am settled there with him.
My question to you ladies is what do you think of this? He really is the most genuinely kind and generous man I’ve ever known but having been the “sugar mama” myself before, I worry that he might resent me later for it. I have always been fiercely independent and just can not believe I am at my most vulnerable and have so little to offer when I finally have a chance to start a life with such an amazing person!
What do you guys think? Take him up on his offer? Stay put longer to save up before moving? Any insight would be much appreciated! Thanks in advance 🙂
Post # 3
@ToBee: As far as I can see you are not planning on living off of his money for your entire realtionship it’s just until you get on your feet. Take him up on it you guys are going to be living together and that’s what people who love each other do. My man had a horrible job when we started dating so I had to pull most of the weight and got a lot of shit from my co-workers for doing it. Months later he got a better job and we’re good sometimes he pulls more of the weight now.
Post # 4
@eecuadrado: Thanks for your input! It’s just scary going into living together in this situation!
Its great you guys have been able to find a balance now, I’m hopeful!
Post # 5
@ToBee: Of course and I promise you’ll find a balance too!
Post # 6
@ToBee: I think it depends on what you’re comfortable with.
If you’re comfortable having him suppport you for a few months while you get on your feet, then that seems reasonable to me.
However, if you’re not comfortable having him support you for a few months while you get on your feet, then ensuring you have enough money to live off of so he doesn’t have to support you seems reasonable to me.
I think the only way you can make a bad choice is to not do what you’re comfortable with or what rings true to you.
I have a friend who is fiercely independent who was in basically the same situation–she ended up moving and is currently being supported by her boyfriend while she is studying for her licensing exam in the new state so she can work in her field. The thing that’s bad with this situation is that she is extremely uncomfortable with that set up and it’s causing some tension in their relationship. She knows things will change once she is actually employed, but currently she feels highly uncomfortable about the situation. So for her it might have been a better choice to stay put at her parents’ house and study and then move later. That’s what she tells me anyway.
Post # 7
@MsKiss: Your friend and I are definitely in the same position! I think (okay, I’m 100% positive) that its just my pride getting in the way as I come from a single mother who always taught my sister and I to not depend on a man. Which is great and all but he’s so damn convincing I can’t help but want to go! I’m a pretty cheap date too so it’s not like he would be spending much more on me than he would need to for himself anyway.
How long has your friend been living with him now? Was it something that started out as a problem for her or it became an issue down the road?
@eecuadrado: fingers crossed! =]
Post # 8
@ToBee: It sounds like it could be worth a try. With your past situation I see why you’re hesitant but like you said, it would only be until you get back on your feet, that’s what true relationships are, about helping and supporting each other out.
I’m sorry you had to be the sugar mama before, but maybe life is giving you a nudge to realize what a real supportive man is 😉
Post # 9
My DH and I also did long distance for 2 years before we moved in together. And during the 5 years before we got married, both of us lost our jobs at one point or another. In both cases, it was somewhat unexpected. We were there for each other when it happened. While neither of us gave each other spending $, we covered rent, utilities etc for the other person.
You sound like you love this man and you want a partnership with him so I say go for it. You may find yourself reciprocating some day in terms of $ or in another way. But that’s the beautiful thing about love, he won’t hold the $ over your head, because you’re worth it to him 🙂
Post # 10
@ToBee: Let’s see, it has been 5 months now, and I think her exam is at the end of this month, so soon. After that, she has to find a job.
Before she moved, she was totally convinced that it wouldn’t be a problem and she’d be able to put her pride aside. From my understanding, it was okay for the first few weeks, but after that she started feeling guilty about going out and having him pay for her in general, so she keeps declining invitations/feeling guilty. They talked about it–he was understanding and she has toned her guilt reactions down, but her guilt is still there.
I am a very independent person also, but at the same time I feel like she is being a bit unreasonable about this. They’re planning on an engagement, a marriage, a family. They will be living off of their combined salaries for the rest of their lives (and he makes much more than she ever will).
To me, true commitment is for better or worse, and that includes one partner supporting the other in times of need without any resentment on either end. Whether or not you’re ready and willing to take that step is up to you.
If you think you’re not comfortable with having him support you, another alternative could be to add up all your bills during the time he is supporting you, divide by 2, and then pay him back over time once you have a job.
Post # 11
@cherriesandcream: Oh, life is most definitely giving me the most wonderful nudge! It’s amazing what we put up with, isn’t it? Only to walk away, find that amazing person, and it feels too good to be true!
@canuckandakiwi: Your right! I would be filling the “housewife (looking for a job)” role by doing all the cooking, cleaning, errand running..so that all he has to do is go to work and not worry about anything else. I think he’s a litte too excited about this part actually lol!
Post # 12
“They’re planning on an engagement, a marriage, a family. They will be living off of their combined salaries for the rest of their lives (and he makes much more than she ever will).”
This is us! We know where we stand for the future 100%, just getting some things in order right now (like getting into the same zipcode lol). And he makes about 3-4x more than I ever will! He’s just so generous and coming from my past situation it’s a lot to take in!
I think it is just my nature to feel uncomfortable taking from someone while having nothing to immediately offer in return, but it is silly in this situation. We actually discussed it again last night (also about joint accounts down the road!!) he literally said to me “what part of ‘you will be my wife one day’ don’t you understand?!” Haha! So needless to say I’m feeling a little better about it!
Its just tricky to let go of your independence for a bit!
You all have seriously made me feel so much better though! Sometimes you just need to see it from another point of view