New Bee needs some advice! Money & Relationships

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ToBee:  As far as I can see you are not planning on living off of his money for your entire realtionship it’s just until you get on your feet. Take him up on it you guys are going to be living together and that’s what people who love each other do. My man had a horrible job when we started dating so I had to pull most of the weight and got a lot of shit from my co-workers for doing it. Months later he got a better job and we’re good sometimes he pulls more of the weight now.

Post # 5
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ToBee:  Of course and I promise you’ll find a balance too!

Post # 6
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

@ToBee:  I think it depends on what you’re comfortable with.

If you’re comfortable having him suppport you for a few months while you get on your feet, then that seems reasonable to me.

However, if you’re not comfortable having him support you for a few months while you get on your feet, then ensuring you have enough money to live off of so he doesn’t have to support you seems reasonable to me.

I think the only way you can make a bad choice is to not do what you’re comfortable with or what rings true to you.

I have a friend who is fiercely independent who was in basically the same situation–she ended up moving and is currently being supported by her boyfriend while she is studying for her licensing exam in the new state so she can work in her field. The thing that’s bad with this situation is that she is extremely uncomfortable with that set up and it’s causing some tension in their relationship. She knows things will change once she is actually employed, but currently she feels highly uncomfortable about the situation. So for her it might have been a better choice to stay put at her parents’ house and study and then move later. That’s what she tells me anyway.

Post # 8
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

@ToBee:  It sounds like it could be worth a try.  With your past situation I see why you’re hesitant but like you said, it would only be until you get back on your feet, that’s what true relationships are, about helping and supporting each other out. 

I’m sorry you had to be the sugar mama before, but maybe life is giving you a nudge to realize what a real supportive man is 😉

Post # 9
Member
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My DH and I also did long distance for 2 years before we moved in together.  And during the 5 years before we got married, both of us lost our jobs at one point or another.  In both cases, it was somewhat unexpected. We were there for each other when it happened.  While neither of us gave each other spending $, we covered rent, utilities etc for the other person.

You sound like you love this man and you want a partnership with him so I say go for it.  You may find yourself reciprocating some day in terms of $ or in another way.  But that’s the beautiful thing about love, he won’t hold the $ over your head, because you’re worth it to him 🙂

Post # 10
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

@ToBee:  Let’s see, it has been 5 months now, and I think her exam is at the end of this month, so soon. After that, she has to find a job.

Before she moved, she was totally convinced that it wouldn’t be a problem and she’d be able to put her pride aside. From my understanding, it was okay for the first few weeks, but after that she started feeling guilty about going out and having him pay for her in general, so she keeps declining invitations/feeling guilty. They talked about it–he was understanding and she has toned her guilt reactions down, but her guilt is still there.

I am a very independent person also, but at the same time I feel like she is being a bit unreasonable about this. They’re planning on an engagement, a marriage, a family. They will be living off of their combined salaries for the rest of their lives (and he makes much more than she ever will).

To me, true commitment is for better or worse, and that includes one partner supporting the other in times of need without any resentment on either end. Whether or not you’re ready and willing to take that step is up to you.

If you think you’re not comfortable with having him support you, another alternative could be to add up all your bills during the time he is supporting you, divide by 2, and then pay him back over time once you have a job.

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